Familial Puns #19

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#19
#19

 

 

When a new baby comes into a family, many changes are necessary.

Poor blood circulation runs through the family.

 

When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family were there to console me.

 

The family elders have relative importance.

 

family joker is jest having fun with his “elations”.

 

 

 

 

A family went to watch a 007 movie at the theatre, it was a bonding experience.

 

 

 

 

 

“You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.

Familial Puns #19

Puns DRIVING Humor #18

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#12 Punny Money

#18 Auto Puns

 

Why did the car cross the river with the boat? It was a ford escort.

Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

The state police highway officer worked tirelessly in the heavy rain to assist a lady whose car was stuck in a ditch. He was a real trooper.

When driving lawyers have to watch out for the sharp attorneys.

He kept an alarm clock in the back window of his car. He was always ahead of his time.

When driving Mickey Mouse sings cartunes.

My boyfriend and I started to date after he backed his car into mine. We met by accident.

My dog failed his driving test, he can’t parallel bark.

A hermit drove to town and was charged with recluse driving.

Puns DRIVE Humor #18

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Sunny Puns #17

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Occasionally in the Caribbean there’s a total calypso the sun.

I noticed that the sun was out, and nobody had bothered to relight it.

The star asked the sun why the moon was always up so late. Sun responded that it was just a phase.

Scientists studying the sun have a flare for research.

You should put on more sun tan lotion in order to save face.

Sunny Puns #17

Hopeful Puns # 16

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Hopeful Puns # 16

We can only have spring break in March, because the last time it happened in February, it took until August to get it fixed.

The winter was difficult on the trees, but in the spring they were re-leafed.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – and a pretty good spring and summer, too.

Is there a best month of spring? There May be.

Gardeners like to spring into action.

 

Hopeful Puns # 16

Post-Olympic Sporty Puns #15

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A skier who makes it to the olympics finds that it is all down hill from there

.

High jumpers should do well at the olympics because it’s always on a leap year.

The athlete colored her hair and started a winning streak.

 

A young professional athlete has to eat lots of pro-teen.

Of all sports humor, football is my favorite. I get a kick out of the punts.

 

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Those who play team sports usually have a ball.

Post-Olympic Sporty Puns #15

Egotist Puns (#14) and Quotes

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Though humble in secular matters, the minister had an altar ego.

An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

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C.S. Lewis

“If a man thinks he is not conceited, he is very conceited indeed.” 
― C.S. Lewis
Robert Burns

“Critics! Appalled I ventured on the name.
Those cutthroat bandits in the paths of fame.”
― Robert Burns
Douglas Adams

“If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.”
― Douglas AdamsThe Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Ambrose Bierce

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”

Egotist Puns (#14) and Quotes

Erase Your Mistakes

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Erase Your Mistakes

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Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

 

The editor received his award with sheer delete.

 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.” 
L.M. Montgomery

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”

He made so many mistakes that he had an err about him.

Erase Your Mistakes

Freudian Slips – “I didn’t mean what I meant to say.”

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Freudian Slips

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. — Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago … we’re one of them.”

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. — Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. — William James

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. — Mark Twain

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. — Dave Barry

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast 

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps. — Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. — F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. — Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?” — Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am! — Monty Python

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. — John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. — Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. — Ashleigh Brilliant

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”. Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. — Johnny Carson

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”

Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. — Old Farmer’s Almanac

G: “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?” EB: “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.” — Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. — Plutarch

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. — Salvador Dali

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. — Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. — Mark Twain

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” — Kermit the Frog

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” — Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn’t the zipper on your pants supposed to be in the front?

“I didn’t mean what I meant to say.” – Gwenny

Freudian Slips

 

Punny Money #12

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#12 Punny Money

#12 Punny Money

 

-  I got a gold filling and put my money where my mouth is.

 

– The IRS left a message on my cell phone that I owed them more money. It was a taxed message.

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– I got a gold filling and put my money where my mouth is.

 

– Money doesn’t grow on sprees.

 

 

–  A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

 

Punny Money