Freudian Slips – “I didn’t mean what I meant to say.”

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40 Clips from 1/17/2014

Freudian Slips

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. — Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago … we’re one of them.”

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. — Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. — William James

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. — Mark Twain

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. — Dave Barry

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast 

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps. — Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. — F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. — Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?” — Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am! — Monty Python

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. — John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. — Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. — Ashleigh Brilliant

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”. Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. — Johnny Carson

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”

Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. — Old Farmer’s Almanac

G: “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?” EB: “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.” — Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. — Plutarch

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. — Salvador Dali

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. — Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. — Mark Twain

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” — Kermit the Frog

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” — Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn’t the zipper on your pants supposed to be in the front?

“I didn’t mean what I meant to say.” — Gwenny

Freudian Slips


Summer Sunday Puns #27

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My Project 5-001

Summer Sunday Puns #27


Grills are a hot item.

It was so hot the other day that even the mosquitoes were dropping like flies.


Sitting in the sun last summer a lot of people became well-red.


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.





Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.


I needed a raise in my allowance. Mowing the grass all summer just wasn’t cutting it.


He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.


I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.


Some people say I’m addicted to summersaults, but that’s just how I roll.


She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

Summer Sunday Puns #27


from WIF


Puns (#27) Imported from Italy

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For Intelligent People (#27)

For Intelligent People (#27)


Puns Imported from Italy

I bought a computer from The Nero Company. It comes with a CD/Rome burner.

I used to think I’d hate Italian food, but I finally decided to give pizza a chance


Why are Italians so good at making coffee? Because they really know how to espresso themselves.


That Italian chef is really annoying. He’s making a pesto himself


Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient.


The compensation received by the Italian chef was a pretty penne.


My friend dropped his box of Italian pastries on the floor. I cannoli imagine what he must be going through

Puns (#27) Imported from Italy

Irish Puns (#26) and Quotes

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Saint Patrick

Puns for Intelligent People 001

The Irish lass was disappointed with the engagement ring from her fiance because it was a sham rock.


When Irish boys carry their little brothers, they get a Pat on the back.


The Irish should be rich because their capital is always Dublin.



Iris Murdoch

“I think being a woman is like being Irish… Everyone says you’re important and nice, but you take second place all the time.”
Iris Murdoch
Daniel Patrick Moynihan

“To be Irish is to know that in the end the world will break your heart.”
Daniel Patrick Moynihan
Pádraig Pearse

“Tír gan teanga, tír gan anam. A country without a language is a country without a soul.”
Pádraig Pearse

“May you have the hindsight to know where you’ve been, The foresight to know where you are going, And the insight to know
when you have gone too far”
Irish Blessing

Irish Puns (#26) and Quotes

Spelling Puns # 25

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Spelling Puns

My son’s spelling test consisted of synonyms of the word incorrect. He was able to write every wrong.


Little Jimmy told his teacher he never saw a hummingbird but he had watched a spelling bee.

The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

Mickey Mouse gives some people Disney spells.

English teachers can keep a class Spell bound.

Witches are good at spell-ing.

Puns for Intelligent People 001

Spelling Puns # 25

Puns for Your Holiday #24

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Those interested only in board games at Christmas might just be chess nuts roasting by an open fire.

This year I made my Christmas wreath out of Franklin Fir branches. I really like a wreath of Franklin.


Was Noel Coward afraid of traditional Christmas music?


A dog breeder crossed a setter and a pointer at Christmas time and got a pointsetter.

I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I didn’t have the gift.


I thought Santa was going to be late, but he arrived in the Nick of time.

I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.


Santa goes down the chimney because it soots him.

Puns for Your Holiday #24

Puns w/a Melody #23

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Puns 001

Puns w/a Melody #23


To add to the punishment, Satan made all the tormented souls listen to elevator music. The Hells Are Alive With the Sounds of Muzak.


What do you call a musician who steals sheet music? A clef-to maniac.

Classical music is better than Mozart forms.


Was Noel Coward afraid of traditional Christmas music?

I wanted to be a clarinetist but I couldn’t reed music.


The optometrist moonlighted as a jazz musician so he could continue to improve-eyes.

Did you hear about the vampire who used to torture his victims with music? His Bach was worse than his bite.


Old musicians never die, they are just disconcerted.

Musicians need a leader because they don’t know how to conduct themselves.


Puns w/a Melody #23