Sick Puns #40 – WIF Wit and Humor

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Diseased (Sick) Puns

 

The flipside of contagious gum disease is an infectious smile.

 

Which illness are witches most prone to? Crone’s disease.

 

When Wally discovered he had Lyme disease he was really ticked off.

 

The mathematician did not practice safe six and ended up with a binarial disease.

 

She could only compose music in 3/4 time. She had waltz timer’s disease.

 

The retired track official has started forgetting things. He has old timer’s disease.

 

He liked to study infectious diseases. It was in his blood.

 

Don’t kiss birds or you may get an untweetable canarial disease.

 

Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

 

Those who write about disease become ill-literate.



Sick Puns #40 –

WIF Wit and Humor

 

Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #319

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #319

…As a direct result of leaving the care of A.O. Campbell, Audrie Franich infects, reacts to an antibiotic treatment from another doc and her frail body gives up the ghost…

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Give up the Ghost by Vincent Xeus

“But…” Ifs and buts may as well be candy and nuts. The Franich girl is quickly becoming a victim of yet another misjudgment. First, she gets pregnant by her merchant marine husband, who goes out to sea and leaves her alone. Secondly, she goes to a white Jacksonville doctor, who makes a lame attempt at an illegal medical procedure; abortion without getting your hands dirty… plain lazy. Then, to correct the second misstep, Doc Campbell is compelled to restore a pre-pregnancy state for young Audrie, the lesser of the previous evils, but it now leads to the final wrong in an error-packed 5 months.

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In the intervening month, Audrie Franich, the young mother of two children, dies. As a direct result of leaving the care of A.O. Campbell, she infects, reacts to an antibiotic treatment from another doc and her frail body gives up the ghost. Mother of Audrie, Mary Gray will be at the deathbed, convinced that her daughter is telling her that it is Doctor Alpha Omega Campbell who performed an abortion on her. Not a doctor in Jacksonville or another at Havana.

 

All this time, A.O. has been drawing unwanted attention to himself. Despite repeated warnings by his legal counsel, Campbell receives other young white women with different, yet similar conditions as Audrie Franich.

One such is seventeen and unmarried. Her future husband insists that she have an abortion. He will pay for it for now, and then they can marry. Are they getting things backwards? Yes of course, but in 1955, women do not have children out of wedlock, at least the respectable ones. The baby delivers anyway, but lives just two days.

Another woman, who cannot keep straight who she is married to and when, needs an abortion to align her life properly. She cannot have the child of the man she is divorcing, because her new husband would not approve. This picture is so convoluted that the doc is unable to separate out the facts from the fiction. What does he do? Yes of course, he tries to help, even though this patient ingested large doses of quinine in a “do-it-yourself” attempt.


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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #317

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #317

…The fact that A.O. was not considering his dealings with Audrie Franich as an abortion has distracted him…

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As young Audrie Franich is taken to the second floor room, where numerous hand-sized lives have been taken, without having had the chance to fulfill God’s intended purpose. This beleaguered doctor, assailed by both needs and the needy, has forever wrestled with the moral aspect of this one small corner of his business. Just what does his Maker and God, looking down from above, see? Is He sorely disappointed with the man, born Alfrey Campbell, or does He gaze with compassion and grace? A devout servant and worshiper has a single soiled corner in an otherwise spotless house.

Alpha Campbell, the doctor, speaks with a new desk nurse named Edwina Stephens. “When I’m done packin’ the girl, make sure that Miss Franich comes back for two more days of packin’ of the uterus. It’s a damn shame I can’t keep her here. What would be the harm in it?”

“Yes, sir, Dr. Campbell, three days,” Edwina is new and nervous. So new, that she is making the worst possible of innocent mistakes. One of her duties is the appointment book. She was not around in 1954. Had she been, the woman she has replaced, Lettie Golden, would be having a coronary, as would Attorney Sinclair Clavitt. Back then, there were but a scant 15 minutes between that appointment book and infamy.

The fact that A.O. was not considering his dealings with Audrie Franich as an abortion has distracted him. More lessons not learned.

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“I want to be there with my baby!” mother Mary cries out.

“This needs to be a complete sterile area, Mrs. Gray. Please wait in the hall.” Head nurse, Lillie Chevis, is a skilled doctor’s right hand. She has been with Dr. Campbell since he opened his hospital in 1947. She had left Florida A&M Hospital because she shared A.O.’s vision. But only her height exceeds her employer, nursing skills notwithstanding.Image result for sterile

“Thank you Lillie...

A.O. has been packing her cervix with sterile gauze, when after two or three more times the uterus would reject the dead fetus.

It is important that she does not miss a packing, lest infection set in. It is a gradual process, but a known way of encouraging the womb to empty itself. No need for invasive surgery.

Image result for concord florida“We will repeat this packin’ until you go into labor. Then you come a callin’ in a big hurry and we will be done.”

For young Audrie it is a tedious process, traveling back and forth from her Daddy’s house at Concord, Florida is not her idea of solving her problem. Concord is no more than a speck in the Panhandle; map makers have ignored it with unsettling regularity. Daniel Boone would have had a difficult time finding it, with directions, a compass and a local Seminole Indian companion.

“Yes, Doc Campbell, I just want this whole thing over.”


Alpha Omega M.D.

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“Daniel Boone – The Home Seeker – Cumberland Valley” c. 1940 by N.C. Wyeth

Episode #317


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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #303

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #303

“Curtis, is that you? What did you see?” Curtis did not answer the doctor’s question because he did not know what he saw…

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It is not long before Curtis pulls up on Virginia Street. Rather than trying to raise the older woman to her feet, he runs to the front entrance, but he finds the door locked. He peers through the only window that does not have a drawn shade. There is no one at the front desk. There is always someone at the front desk.

“Don’t you be fretting’ Miss Edwina, I’ll go around back.” Curtis knows these grounds like the back of his hand and he knows Doc never locks the back door while somebody is in the building. He happens upon nurse Lilly, who is wrapping something in a small bag. Doc Campbell pokes his head out of the door.

lbmh3-001 “Put that in the cooler with the others fetuses. We’ll take care of them tomorrow.” He is startled by a glimpse of his driver, just ten feet away. “Curtis, is that you? What did you see?”

“Miss Edwina Stevens is out front, she hurt her leg bad.” Curtis did not answer the doctor’s question because he did not know what he saw.

“I’ll be out there quick.” A.O. turns to whisper to Lilly, “You finish packing Missy, oh and unlock the front door.” He then runs to the front of the clinic, bloodstained white lab coat and all.

“Help me get her a wheel chair, Curtis; it looks like her ankle is broke.”

“The door is locked, Doc,” he says while A.O. proves him wrong.ball-chain-001

“Take her Room 2, Curtis; she will be spendin’ the night.” He turns edgily toward his wife’s friend, whose brittle old bones are giving out one after another.  “I will be in to put a splint on your ankle in a minute, Edwina. Take two of these for now.”

The doctor heads down the hall toward the back. His other patient is waiting for the final touches to the procedure that ended her baby’s short life. The grief she is beginning to feel, will shift to unwelcome baggage, uncomfortable feelings that she will carry around, like a ball and chain for the rest of her life.


Alpha Omega M.D.

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #302

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #302

… “Do you think A.O. could take a look at my foot tonight? It’s been hurtin’ somethin’ fierce,” asks the house guest of Maggie Lou…

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“Do you want another cup of tea, Edwina?” Maggie Lou Campbell is entertaining a friend from Frenchtown. She enjoys showing off her home. 224 Virginia Street is two stories are filled with finest housekeeperthings that money can buy and kept to immaculate standards by a live-in housekeeper, who supervises the cook and the gardener/chauffeur.

“Yessum, please, Maggie. These little sandwiches is so good.” Edwina Stevens enjoys being entertained, especially being waited on by a real housekeeper, not to mention the chauffeur driven Cadillac that brought her for a visit. “Is that husband of yours workin’ late again?”

Maggie hesitates momentarily. She is beginning to suspect that her dear husband is involved in something suspicious. She has stopped going next door, as well as asking him about the details of his patients. He is paying the bills after all. “Oh yes, yes, Edwina, the man just ain’t slowin’ down.”

“Do you think he could take a look at my foot tonight? It’s been hurtin’ somethin’ fierce.”

“He’s very busy right now, told me he’d be really late, but check in with Lilly. I’m sure she can work you in tomorrow.”

“I believe I will do just that. I got to be scootin’.”

cadillac-1952-001“I’ll have Curtis bring the Cadillac over to the clinic.” The two old friends exchange a warm hug. “I hope that Alpha can fix that foot, I hate to see you limpin’ like that.”

“I”m kinda used to this cane, here… good for scaring’ away the bad ones.” She demonstrates a good whack about an imaginary head on her way out the front door and onto the well-worn path to the LBMH next door. It is past twilight by now and she uses the cane like a blind person. She aims herself toward the lighted front entrance, but does not reach her goal. Her elevated staff is in the wrong position to keep her already ailing foot from wrenching on a loose rock. She goes down at once, howling from the extra pain.


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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #297

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #297

Chapter Seventeen

LOOKING UP

…Carolyn Hanes grieves about the loss of her friend, not a physical loss so much as an amnesia-like deprivation. The Sara she knew and loved is fading away…

Amnesia

“She has been gone for a week now, Bob. Last time it was only two days and I’m starting to get really scared. How long do we sit on our hands.”

“I think you’re right, the same aliens that took her the first time are messing with her again.” They Fountain FOYare trying to figure out what to do next. “She hasn’t aged a bleeping day since New Mexico. Those little beggars have been dipping Sara into the fountain of youth, Lyn.”

“At the expense of her mind, you mean. She has regressed thirty years. She doesn’t even remember that she and I were… uh, friends. Last month she was upset that you and I were married, this week she can’t remember why. It’s getting so bad that Jenny Hawkins has taken over her shop. Sara acts like a customer now, telling Jen that she is a dancer, looking for that she needs the perfect outfit for a recital. Bob, she wanted to be a ballerina when she was in college, but she was two sizes too big. ”

  Conspiracy in the Cactus-001Lyn grieves about the loss of her friend, not a physical loss so much as an amnesia-like deprivation. The Sara she knew and loved is fading away. “What is even scarier is that the ship that crashed in New Mexico may not be the one. There were probably two or more of those things cavorting around the world, messing with us ignorant human beings. And what does our government do about it? ‘     ‘Do not believe your eyes’, they say. I am so lucky we snuck my Conspiracy in the Cactus under their radar.

Do you realize that they would have done anything to stop me had they Lots of lettersknew. We’re not to be trusted with the truth? It must be driving them nuts, tracking down all those poor souls unfortunate enough to believe their own eyes. We are far from the only people seeing evidence of these UFOs; I get fifty letters a week telling me that my book was right on the mark. Thousands of people all over the earth are seeing these things, hundreds are disappearing, some never coming back. Others come back, like Sara, messed with inside and out.”


Alpha Omega M.D.

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Fountain of Youth by Michael Godard

Episode #297


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