Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 141

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 141

…After narrowly escaping a fiery end, Agent Daniels decides to pull a fast-one on Constance…

Mimi and Eunice

Humor is a subjective form of expression. Something that seems hilarious to one person may be dull and offensive to another.

Scene board-001Martin Kamen and Agent Daniels hatch a plan that will garner an unknown reaction from Constance Caraway, who has also been known to do the unexpected for effect. To add insult to injury, they recruit Ajax Bannion who, when Daniels tells him of the gag, “Count me in. She’s upstairs taking a bath, but she should be down soon. She has been a real basket case ever since you guys left.”

So the scene is set, preloaded to have Agent Daniels sitting on the front room sofa with Ace. They portray a somber mood befitting the loss of a compatriot. When Connie comes downstairs, in her pink chenille robe, sopping wet hair piled atop her head bound by a towel, she is taken aback by the presence of someone other than Ace (and the elusive William, but he doesn’t count) in the house. That she is clothed at all is a good thing.

“You’re back!” Her excitement is tempered by one person, who is conspicuous by his absence. “Did he take the bait…?” she asks pensively.

The two men react not to her, continuing to discuss things as though they don’t hear her.

“Where is Martin?”

Daniels rises to his feet, his black trench coat wreaking of smoke and faced stained by soot. “There was a fire… poor Martin didn’t have a chance.”

A million thoughts flood her imagination, not the least of which is grief. What went wrong? The plan was rock-solid. No one was going to get hurt. She plops into a chair, glaring at Daniels like he has managed to behead her favorite doll. “Why do we continue the fight: kidnapping, shootings, suicide and now a fire? Maybe we’re overmatched, when one side is a nearly invisible bastard with unearthly power. I think you can take it from here Daniels, or whatever damned names you’re using today—–“

“Is Eliot Ness taken?” Daniels blurts in gut reaction to Constance’s rant.

“Great, a f*****g comedian, just what we need,” she only swears when there is no end to the rope.


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 123

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 126

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 126

…“No, my mom was a big fan of that newest cleanser at the time, AJAX…

“And how about that girl of yours, she has been a real treat!” Willard Libby is a big fan.

“Like cotton candy in a cavity,” Ace attempts to head off her reaction to the scientist’s use of a possessive pronoun.

Too late, “I belong to no one, certainly not to someone who pretends I don’t exist for years at a time and then compares me to tooth decay.”

“Hey kids, it is my fault for making a false assumption,” intellectually speaking, “but I would be thrilled for you Connie, if it were true.”

She softens her knee-jerk reaction, “Ace and I have had some good times.”

“Then let’s raise a toast to more good times,” the sound of clinking glasses to the brim with Italian Nebbiolo fills the university basement hideaway.

“To good times,” Martin, Constance and Ace respond in unison. The newcomer is blending in quite well; the men are taken by his dynamic presence.

“Ace: That is quite a name. Is that your given name?” helplessly inquiring minds need to know.

“No my mother named me Ajax Aidan Bannion. Can you blame me for changing it?”

“Did she name you after the muscular mythical hero of the Trojan war?” educated people ask smart questions.

“No, mom was a big fan of that new cleaner AJAX.” He was kidding.

“STRONGER THAN DIRT!!!!!!” Constance makes an arm muscle, while singing the familiar advertising slogan. “Hey buddy, you really did need another syllable anyway; ‘Ajax Bannion, he can clean up the mess you make’.”

“Boy, I am going to regret letting that cat out of the bag,” he takes it like a man. “But can we not use that name in public?”

“Sure, but if you’re late for dinner I’m going to say, ‘Ajax Aidan Bannion, you better stop what you are doing and come inside’.”

His secret is safe… maybe.


 Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 111

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 112

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 112

…After some wheeling, dealing, begging and other “general groveling”…

General Grovel

At times you pick the flight, but when Uncle Sam picks you, it’s his right to throw you a curve.

After flying into a general aviation airstrip outside Mobile, they cab over to Brookley Air Force Base, only to find that they’ve been bumped from this Monday’s flight.

Following a high level pow-wow, he is ready to face the music, aka the Boss, i.e. Constance.

“What’s the deal AB? I was under the impression that you were calling the shots.”

“I forgot that a certain Army Air Force general is in charge of this base,” he is uncharacteristically sheepish.

“Okay, let me see, did you have an affair with the man’s wife?” she aims below the belt.

p51_mustang

“No I’m not talking woman trouble,” he comes clean about a serious transgression. “I borrowed a P-51 for a few days.”

“I take it a P-51 has wings?” Good guess, bad news, “Is that a no-no?”

“That would be a court martial… were I an active service member.”

“So I am in league with a fugitive?”

“No, he wanted to extract a different type of penalty. He would drop any charges if would take his step-daughter to the base’s New Year’s Eve dance. Unfortunately this Three-Star has a good memory.”

“That is strike two, so now what? I do not have a week to waste and we don’t have time to book a Pan Am or TWA transatlantic, which would cost us beaucoup bucks by the way.”

After some wheeling, dealing, begging and other “general” groveling…….

“We’re back on the plane CC.”

“He swings at a 0-2 fastball… it’s a single to left field.”

AB “At least I’ve finally made it to 1st base with you.”

CC “Oh you mean who.”

AB “What do you mean?”

CC “No, what’s on 2nd.”

AB “I don’t know!”

CC “He’s on 3rd

CC “You saw Abbott and Costello on TV too?”

AB “Yes, yesterday.”

CC “He’s in right field. Then you know that nobody scored.”

AB “That’s me. I am nobody!”


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 99

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 109

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 109

…Slow down sweetie, you lost me at ‘Hello Ace’…

Constance continues her twisting tale of woe to Ace Bannion, the newest addition to the CCPI team.

 Long_Story_Short“And what’s this stuff about the Devil? Are you sure you haven’t had some bad Chinese food or maybe psychedelic mushrooms?”

“I am not joking AB. There is some crazy stuff going down and it’s becoming downright dangerous. Beside the misplaced scientist, we have a dubious suicide, a mysterious man struck and conveniently killed by a lightning bolt, the guy we hired to drive us e-v-e-r-y-where gets shot trying to rescue his kidnapped wife… and that’s for starters.”

“Friendly little town.”

“And much closer to home, Fanny was abducted by guys named Bing Crosby & Gene Kelly, but I killed them the other day and since returning to Florida, Fanny finds out that someone tried to blow up our building leaving 1500 Lira behind.”

“You can always count on my help, you know that, but it sounds like it may be hazardous to my health.”

“Hey, we got the science-guy back, thankfully Fanny back, Eddie & Edie D. back and now you have my back.”

“Sounds like you have a back problem, when, about a week back?”

“Funny, very funny. This goes all the way back before the 1951 even got rolling.”

He is discovering that Constance has some pent-up frustration.

“I’m not just going to get back at them, I plan to get even,” she promises. “Are you up to a trip to Italy?”

“Why… because Betty found some Italian money blowing around in your backyard?”

“Not just that Ace, oh no! We’re kinda working with a CIA guy, with about 10 different names, and he tells us that he’s been inside the devil’s headquarters, in Rome. And, and that they are behind the Forever Mastadon movement who is behind all the kidnappings.”

“Slow down sweetie, you lost me at ‘Hello Ace’.”

“Do you want to help or are you here to make fun of me?”


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 97

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 104

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 104

…“My cousin Hilbert from Sandwich Illinois is a crop-duster,” proof that Eddie D. is getting back to his old self…

Click on for video

With Fanny away in Florida, Constance Caraway respectfully skips the Tolentine performance in favor of a well-being check at the home of Eddie Dombroski. She has taken personal responsibility for putting the man in harms way. An experienced private eye should have guessed that Eddie would want to be the one to rescue his wife, even though they were only playing a hunch and he normally followed orders to the letter.

Edie Dombroski has been so gracious in the face of this family crisis. She is a gritty city woman, loving on the inside with an urban-tested exterior. Her husband had been mugged in the past, had his share of fender benders and even had a hand in stopping a bank robbery, but he had never taken a bullet to his midsection or his left shoulder.

“Do you need a spleen?” is one of the questions Eddie has for his post-op caretakers. His other was more of a commentary, “Lucky for me I’m a righty; I can steer, shift gears, the whole ball-of- wax.”

“You won’t be driving any time soon Edward Francis,” Edie lays down the law. “Miss Caraway has given us $1000 dollars so you/we can make it to spring.”

Constance’s care extends to her pocketbook.

“Don’t forget about that color television she bought us. I bet we’re the first on the block to have one,” he brags, “and it has a record player too!”

“You can see I’ll have my hands full,” she casts a lamenting gaze Constance’s way. “Guess who has to change the channels? Edie this, Edie that, Edie I could use a snack…..”

“I cannot help you with that Mrs. Dombroski; though I did keep the receipt from Goldblatt’s Department Store?”

“Oh no you don’t missy!”

“I need to get going,” she checks her Timex wristwatch, “I’ve got to meet a friend at Meigs Field.”

“Fanny?”

“No, she’s back in Tallahassee on another case.”

“Meigs? That’s that new runway on the lake, but it’s only for private planes.”

“My friend has a BeechCraft Bonanza.”

“Does this flyboy have a name?”

“Ace Bannion.”

“And my name is Clark Kent.” Not Elvis or Gene Kelly.

“Well Clark, I’ll bring Ace around for a visit while he’s in town.”

Eddie's Cousins-001“My cousin Hilbert from Sandwich is a crop-duster, no airports needed for him. I mean to tell you, when he comes home for lunch he just flies right up to his back door.”

Proof that Eddie is getting back to his old self.

“Sandwich? I have relatives in Bologna!”

Constance is always herself.


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 93

Laborious Puns #22

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Laborious Puns

“No man needs sympathy because he has to work, because he has a burden to carry. Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.”

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Labor Day is a good time to stop and reflect on the august events the the preceding month.

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Bringing a baby into the world is labor of love.

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. He labored so hard that he worked his fingers to the bone-us.

. In some places there is a lot of Manuel labor for every Juan.

In the NFL there is some  Manuel labor.

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They used to experiment on dogs called laboratory retrievers.

. A woman union leader who was pregnant had labor pains and then a striking baby.

Image result for unions

. At a company where they dig for gold a labor dispute is a miner problem where no one wants to get the shaft.


Laborious Puns

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Hee-hee

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 78

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 78

…no phone calls, telegrams, letters, walks along the Midway Plaissance or sit-down Chinese food…

“I hate to be the one to tell you Willard, but you are dead… sorry.” Constance delivers news few dead people ever hear.

“When is the funeral, I’d love to see who shows up.”

“I love that angle. Who could resist eavesdropping on a steady stream of science-types, speculating on what you were working on at the time of your death and about what a good guy you were?”

“Or listen to the whispers from the folks who only pretended to like you,” Libby is aware of the petty jealous nature of scientific research.

“I don’t want to burst your bubble, but the rest of the world knows you as merely missing. World Agnostica-001Your death, as an unidentified indigent in Elgin, is for the benefit of Wolfgram and the other Mastadon creepy creeps,” Constance clarifies. “Oh and by-the-by, it appears that misspelled Mastadon is a just a cheesy front for a more globally active organization named WORLD AGNOSTICA UNLIMITED.

Indubitably! Our ambassador to the U.N. warned me at Tolentine about some nefarious society with bad intent, so that doesn’t surprise me,” the former basket-case concludes. “So what am I supposed to do with myself while my friend Martin and his beautiful sidekicks are out defending Creation’s honor?”

Lay low, that’s all we ask. Your input is critical to our ultimate success, with your informational conference (in the future) as the dangling carrot for your cooperation, so no phone calls, telegrams, letters, walks along the Midway Plaissance or sit-down Chinese food. Martin will be your guardian and will help you from behind the scenes. He will be your mouthpiece, right Marty?”

“He hates being called Marty.”

“This is the real Willard Libby is, that proves it!” Fanny refers to how Eddie D. gets under Martin’s skin with that flippant nickname. “The hospital nicknamed you, Whacked-out Willy.”

Ouch!

From the mouth of babes…


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 73