Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 78

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 78

…no phone calls, telegrams, letters, walks along the Midway Plaissance or sit-down Chinese food…

“I hate to be the one to tell you Willard, but you are dead… sorry.” Constance delivers news few dead people ever hear.

“When is the funeral, I’d love to see who shows up.”

“I love that angle. Who could resist eavesdropping on a steady stream of science-types, speculating on what you were working on at the time of your death and about what a good guy you were?”

“Or listen to the whispers from the folks who only pretended to like you,” Libby is aware of the petty jealous nature of scientific research.

“I don’t want to burst your bubble, but the rest of the world knows you as merely missing. World Agnostica-001Your death, as an unidentified indigent in Elgin, is for the benefit of Wolfgram and the other Mastadon creepy creeps,” Constance clarifies. “Oh and by-the-by, it appears that misspelled Mastadon is a just a cheesy front for a more globally active organization named WORLD AGNOSTICA UNLIMITED.

Indubitably! Our ambassador to the U.N. warned me at Tolentine about some nefarious society with bad intent, so that doesn’t surprise me,” the former basket-case concludes. “So what am I supposed to do with myself while my friend Martin and his beautiful sidekicks are out defending Creation’s honor?”

Lay low, that’s all we ask. Your input is critical to our ultimate success, with your informational conference (in the future) as the dangling carrot for your cooperation, so no phone calls, telegrams, letters, walks along the Midway Plaissance or sit-down Chinese food. Martin will be your guardian and will help you from behind the scenes. He will be your mouthpiece, right Marty?”

“He hates being called Marty.”

“This is the real Willard Libby is, that proves it!” Fanny refers to how Eddie D. gets under Martin’s skin with that flippant nickname. “The hospital nicknamed you, Whacked-out Willy.”

Ouch!

From the mouth of babes…


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 73

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 46

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 46

…the patient does mention one incongruous word – wolf …

Wolf by Mark Adlington

“We’ll be there,” Constance bursts into the conversation from the 2nd floor at 6137 Kimbark, “first thing in the morning!”

“Who is that intriguing new voice; does the university have a party line?” asks the curious psychiatric professional.

“That would be Constance Caraway. She represents the private investigation firm we hired to help locate Willard Libby,” injects Martin Kamen.

“Well yes, by all means Miss Caraway, I will be at my office at 5:00 AM, our Rise and Shine time.”

“One quick question, Doctor Steinberg, has our mister Libby had any visitors?”

“My no; we believe someone dropped him off at the front gate… though he does mention one incongruous word – wolf … we are out in the middle of nowhere, but there aren’t any native  gray wolves, perhaps deer and coyotes.”

“Wolf,” Constance makes eye contact with her two allies, both of whom were thinking the same thing; not the four-legged mangy predator, rather the two-legged variety in sheep’s clothing. “You have been an unexpected pleasure Doctor and we will see you at Rise and Shine!”

“Wow, wow, wow, how about that!” This afternoon turns out to be that Christmas morning now passed, Constance Caraway Private Investigation had missed out on; Santa had just arrived a week late.

“Eddie!” she calls out mockingly! It is one thing to have steady work, but the way he has been “on-call”, there is no rhyme or rhythm to this arrangement; but he’ll be there bright and early, though having do dip into his road atlas for their upcoming expedition to Elgin, Illinois.

“It is as important as ever for you to find Libby’s completed work, Martin. Agree with it or not, it appears that your friend’s findings are currently hidden away in a jumbled brain. We owe it to him to preserve it… so no offense, but we’ll be leaving you behind this time.”

Martin David Kamen takes unusual exception to Constance, assuming an upright assertive position, “I am paying the bills and I will be going to Elgin; Will needs to see a familiar face!”


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 44

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 32

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 32

…“Who says we’re not working for ourselves, isn’t that right, Bing Crosby…

“Do you know who you’ve kidnapped?” a shrewd Fanny asks.

The two men in the front seat seem not to care who she is.

“Some wacky redhead?” guesses number one thug. “Are you packin’ heat.?”

“Maybe and My name is Mary Pickford.”

“Eating at a White Castle, right… And we’re movie stars too,” cracks brute number two.

Obviously the men, who have taken Fanny, are just following orders. Maybe she can play them.

“I know the name of your boss.”

“Who says we’re not working for ourselves, isn’t that right, Bing Crosby?”

“That’s right, Gene Kelly,” says the driver.

“You guys are Hi-larious,” she answers back.

“Who are we working for Miss Pickford, I mean Miss Caraway?” they taunt.

They’ve got the wrong girl, but Fanny strings them along, needing to make her response count, while trying to recall a name she picked up on three hours ago at Tolentine, “Vincent, yes you are associates of Mr. Vincent.”

Izzula3 – DeviantArt

They look at each with vacated expressions.

“Cat got your tongue?”

Again there is stunned silence.

“My people are coming for me.”

“Do we look worried Miss Caraway?”

She shows them her Visitors badge, stuck to her sweater. It reads “Renwick”.

“This ain’t the Caraway broad, stupid!”

The black Cadillac pulls up to the first telephone booth they see. “Bing” drops in a single dime, confirming that it is indeed a local call. His demonstrative actions indicate frustration. He returns to the passenger side telling his mate, “O’Malley’s Garage on Western,” turning to their snatch, “tell us what you did with the bag, whoever you are.”

“You guys don’t have a clue, do you?” She can play dumb too.

“The briefcase you took from the convent, Red, where is it?”

She holds out her empty and bound hands.

“Stop the car.”

Better listen to him Bing. You and Mr. Kelly are in way over your heads. The coppers will be looking for you.”

“Get out, now! You ain’t worth the trouble.”

Fanny is unceremoniously kicked to the curb

Crosby blares at Kelly, “We grabbed the wrong dame!


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 31

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 3

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 3

…Private investigation pays no mind to holidays, sleep or any other aspect normal life…

Fanny Renwick, walking tall and proud after being out for the morning, returns with her not-so-subtle Polaroid & its “electric eye” hanging from her neck and 5 crisp $100 bills (+ a $5 for interest) in her hot little hands.

“Our mister Simms saw me taking pictures and accused me of working for his ex-wife. Boy he sure is paranoid, perhaps a tinge of guilt no doubt about his overdue bill?  He couldn’t reach for his wallet fast enough and you should have seen the moths fly out!” As a rule, Fanny personifies unfettered child-like joy.

“But I told him I would have him castrated if he didn’t give us the money,” Unfettered joy meets Constance’s unforgiving reality.

“Ouch Connie, that’s hitting below the belt.”

“We have the dough, don’t we Fanny?” She often brings her friend down hard, just to balance out the woman’s default sweetness.

“While you were out, we got a telegram from Chicago, must have cost a small fortune, reads like a book… Somewhat cryptic, I must say. This guy wants us to come and look for a missing scientist.” The glazed strawberry blonde Caraway whisks her long hair back away from her face. “Here, what do you make of this.”

Dear Fanny, no really, dear Fanny looks at the half-crumpled paper, struggling to read the choppy text. “What is a.s.a.p.”

“Always say a prayer.” Not true. “That is short for RIGHT Damn NOW!”

“But it’s Christmas Eve Connie! Do we have to work?” Private investigation pays no mind to holidays, sleep or any other aspect normal life. “And that’s an awful long drive and the car is at Sam’s Garage.”

“We’ll fly to Chicago… they have Christmas too you know and maybe even real snow!”

“Oh snow, swell.” Fanny loves it. “Hey, isn’t Manhattan in New York, not Illinois?” Fanny points out upon reading the word ‘MANHATTAN in the wire from Chicago’.

“The atomic bombs that took out Japan, ending that stupid war, were developed by scientists working for the government; top secret stuff.” She proceeds to connect a few dots. “Manhattan Project, project, get it? Remember that spy case we were working at the end of the war?”

The light bulb goes on above Fanny’s scattered little brain, but still cannot connect the dots. “That was in New Mexico though,” she points out.

“Yes,” deep breath, “but the spy was traced back to the Manhattan Project at Argonne National Laboratory, which is out west of Chicago.”


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 5

Spring Into Puns #38 – WIF Wit and Humor

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Spring Into Puns #38

John plans to retire in the spring and, like the trees around us, will be leafing.

Teaching your slinky new tricks is like spring training.

We can only have spring break in March, because the last time it happened in February, it took until August to get it fixed

The winter was difficult on the trees, but in the spring they were re-leafed

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – and a pretty good spring and summer, too.

He left the hose on near his back door and soon had a spring in his step

Those selling mattresses have a soft sell in the spring.

Is there a best month of spring? There May be.

Gardeners like to spring into action.


Spring Into Puns #38 –

WIF Wit and Humor

The NULL Solution = Episode 153

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The NULL Solution = Episode 153

…Talk about your triple-trouble, these 3 men are clearly brothers from different mothers…

Chasonn of Seljuk bows, to pay his respects to the Deke-wing of the McKinney clan, with a bonus appearance by a doting Mamma Celeste. He is duly impressed by the scope of the McKinney reach, considering that there are three more members over on or near Earth.

Deke is in the middle of preparing an English {USA} lesson plan.

Celeste is formulating the musical equivalent for Eridanian language comparison purposes.

Cerella is putting out fires in the Null-Gifted social interaction arena, thusly unavailable for introduction.

But it is Skaldic, the former Null, which Sam is anxious to introduce. If there are galactic facts to catch up on, Skaldy is the man with the plan.

Talk about your triple-trouble. These 3 men {Sam, Skaldic, Chasonn} are clearly brothers from different mothers. It does not take long before S2 turn Chase {everyone gets a nickname} on to the Harmonia Query. “That is numerical nonsense.” There will be no help from him. He prefers facts to gobbledygook.

“Well that little ditty boomeranged me and Skaldy all the way from Mars to Eridanus faster than I could send you to the wrong coordinates today.”

“It would seem logical to assume that ⃝    is responsible for an anomaly of such greatness.”

“Chase here is a genuine genius isn’t he?”

“Unfortunately, his transporter does not have a range of 10 light years.”

Chasonn ignores the extraneous banter. “I will be pleased if I am able to return to my ship.”

“I hope you aren’t leaving too soon. You just got here. You need to meet this planet’s head honcho.”

“Do you speak of Ekcello? He has contacted me telepathically in the past. We have a common adversary in the Ÿ€Ð.”

“That Ÿ€Ð colony is on its way to my home planet,” Sam informs.

“Earth; in fact it is getting close enough to affect the gravitation of your moon.”

“That ain’t good!”

“One of the reasons I made my journey, is to be near enough to do the most good if Collapsar Axis becomes a threat.”

“That’s good!”

“It has the capability to defeat the force field I provided Earth.”

“That’s not good!”

“They will not find what they are searching for. Your planet did not have the capability to destroy the Ÿ€Ð fleet.”

 “That’s good!”

“They may retaliate out of frustration. They nearly wiped out our planetary leadership, in the distant past, in their quest for galactic domination.”

“That’s not good!”

“Enough Sammy Mac!” Skaldic concludes.


The NULL Solution =

Episode 153


page 151

The NULL Solution = Episode 134

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The NULL Solution = Episode 134

…”Come on home Gus,” Roy breaks in, “a tired and broken planet needs you more than ever!”…

Solution is secured, ready for lift-off!” Rick is placing the drone as near to the active plume as is safe.

“Take us right into the firestorm Ricko. That’s what heat shielding is for!”

Up and up they travel, propelled by Mother Nature – Mars style. Before you can count to {6 – 2 = 9}, all of NASA property, other than Tycho, has exited Martian gravitational influence. Covered in soot and free as a bird, the captives follow the plotted path back to Earth.

“Riddle my ass!” Gus looks at the rear-facing monitor. As Mars gets smaller, he catches the glimpse of an image off to the side. In the roundness of the reflection they see Harmonia, not the empty and lonely space scraper, but one dotted with moving figures and previously nonexistent shuttles, looking more like a village than an edifice.

Lorgan?”

Lorgan.”

Come on home Gus,” Roy breaks in, “a tired and broken planet needs you more than ever!

Roy Crippen fires off video and files pertaining to the current state of affairs, which he had withheld, until now.

“How is my family?”

Grandpa Roy responds, “Marscie is a real champ, slept through it all.”

“How about you?”

“I am going to sleep for the entire two months it takes for you to get back… right after I tell the world that Stanley & Gus are coming home from Mars.”

“How did the world know we were gone?”

“Alf Quigby.”

“Huh?????”

“He’s the president of the Space Family McKinney Fan Club.”

“Oh that Alf, I sent him an autographed SEx toy last year.” That didn’t come out right. “You know what I meant…”

“Hi-larious!” The tension needed some easing. “Ignore stories about that planetary distress signal, for now.”

“Roger Roy!” Not Roy Rogers. —


The NULL Solution =

Episode 134


page 132