Sick Puns #40 – WIF Wit and Humor

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Diseased (Sick) Puns

 

The flipside of contagious gum disease is an infectious smile.

 

Which illness are witches most prone to? Crone’s disease.

 

When Wally discovered he had Lyme disease he was really ticked off.

 

The mathematician did not practice safe six and ended up with a binarial disease.

 

She could only compose music in 3/4 time. She had waltz timer’s disease.

 

The retired track official has started forgetting things. He has old timer’s disease.

 

He liked to study infectious diseases. It was in his blood.

 

Don’t kiss birds or you may get an untweetable canarial disease.

 

Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

 

Those who write about disease become ill-literate.



Sick Puns #40 –

WIF Wit and Humor

 

Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #324

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #324

…A 1954 teal Ford Coupe convertible streaks down less traveled roads to Tallahassee’s “new” Regional Airport…

Image result for airport control tower 1960

Municipal Airport – photographer Bill Malone

“This is FREDERICK ALPHA GEORGE 1610, requesting permission to land on runway 2-9er,” ever the pilot Bob Ford asks.

          “Affirmative FREDERICK ALPHA GEORGE 1610, descend to 1000 feet, decrease speed to 120 mph.”

          “Roger that tower, we’re coming in… hello Tallahassee Regional.”

“Hello Florida indeed,” Lyn chimes in. She is exhausted from the six hour general aviation flight, with two stops, one for fuel & one potty break. Her near 60 year old bladder does not hold as much as it used to. “After we set down, taxi me to the terminal, I want to get Slater to pick us up post-haste.”

“Is he off duty?”

“He better be, ‘cause what we are going to do would get him fired.”

“Do not wreck another man’s career.”

Carolyn Hanes is not about to do that. Even though there is score to settle, Joe Slater’s anonymity is assured.

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A 1954 teal Ford Coupe convertible streaks down less traveled roads to Tallahassee’s “new” Regional ford-coupeAirport. Joe Slater is responding to a telephone call from Carolyn Hanes-Ford, a woman he has always admired from afar, mainly because, in times past, he had heard the rumors about her and Sara Fenwick.

  Deafening were the whispers; when two women live together and never seen in the company of men. Two women, who are extremely attractive at that, more than a few times, when then a young patrolman, did Joe resolve to ask Miss Hanes out, only to have the words stick to his tongue or waft harmlessly into thin air.

For now, he is content to help an acquaintance from the past, help a good and respectable man from her past. Here she is, famous beyond Florida and successful surpassing the cause that she is pursuing. He can’t resist scaling that same righteous mountain.


Alpha Omega M.D.

Episode #324


page 304

Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #307

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #307

…“If she turns you down Mr. Ford, you could pick me?” volunteers Dr. Jane. It appears that Friez is thawing…

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“As far as anyone outside this hospital is concerned, Sara Fenwick is just another patient, is that understood?”

All heads nod.

“… Which means, we don’t want to read about “Constance and Ace” helping their friend become a Constance Caraway-001prima ballerina or anything to do with the fountain of youth.”

“Are speaking about little old me?” Lyn asks with a coquettish tilt of her head.

  “You got away with exposing secrets once before, acting all innocent and ignorant, so don’t think we aren’t watching you.”

“I’m flattered by the attention, Ben, but Bob and I are about to start another project as soon as we feel Sara is safe.”

“From this time forward, we control who knows what and when. The general public wouldn’t know what to do with information about Sara.”

Vertical-001 “You have my word, Ben, my wife will behave herself,” Mr. Ford assures.

          Carolyn Hanes has to think over what she just heard. “Wife? That means we’d have to be married and the last time I checked–.”

          “We can take care of that here in Washington. They have a chaplain and a chapel here at the hospital. What do you say?”

          “Wouldn’t we be spoiling a perfectly good friendship?”

“If she turns you down Mr. Ford, you could pick me?” volunteers Dr. Jane. It appears that Friez is thawing.

“He slurps his soup, Dr. Jane.”Vertical-001

          “So do I.”

          “He has a trick knee.”

          “I can fix that.”

          Hmmmm, I got it, she thinks. “All his underwear and socks have holes in them.”

          “Lyn?” Bob steps in.

          “Darn… socks I mean!” one last try for the doctor.

Lyn always has to feel like she is in control, even when she is not, hence her bantering with Dr. Friez. Even though this marriage thing is not her idea, secretly having considered it in rare quiet bravomoments, she is cornered.  “Since I seem to have competition Bob, I think it’s time we got hitched, fly-boy!”

The conference room erupts in raucous applause. The once stern and professional staff are quickly becoming like family. The coming years, the ongoing contact, with Sara at the center, will only reinforce that kindred ness.

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Image result for capitol balletAt the gymnasium in another wing of the huge hospital, Sara is being coached by the choreographer for the Capitol Ballet. She will be happy for Lyn and Bob, because her memories of love and life are but a faint flickering ember. One night in Ceylon took care of that.


Alpha Omega M.D.

ceylon-001

Episode #307


page 290

Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #304

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #304

…”Assume makes an ass out of u and me.” The wordmeister does not resist…

wordmeister

“I’d like to thank you for almost ruining my career?” Lieutenant Vincent Smith is incensed with two of the most convincing liars he has ever dealt with. “Four years and not a word and now you want my help?” Never saw the flying saucer, never heard of Newt Swackhammer, and didn’t notice anything wrong with Sara Fenwick.

Conspiracy in the Cactus-001  That is until Conspiracy in the Cactus comes out. The book was well received, but because the rest of the country has been sufficiently kept in the dark, it is viewed as innovative fiction.

But in the military intelligence community, they are to this day, red eared and fuming. Had Carolyn Hanes been Air Force military, she would have court-martialed and sentenced to an extended stay in the brig.

In her book she had, in effect, stolen someone’s most personal journal, like a diary and published it. If the incident at Roswell, New Mexico was a teen-aged girl, a half million people around the country find out when she has lost her virginity, or worse, that she pads her bra with Kleenex, or that she has a crush on the captain of the basketball team.

“And now you tell me that she has been vanishing off and on all this time? We could only assumeImage result for assume that everything had returned to normal.”

Assume makes an ass out of u and me.” The wordmeister does not resist.

“If we weren’t playing nuclear footsie with the Russians, funny girl, we would have been on top of this situation.”

“Relax, Smith. I think you guys weren’t so busy hiding the truth, from the start, the real truth about Sara would have revealed itself to you. I think you forgot where you hid the cookie jar.” Bob Ford injects some realism to this ethereal mix.

“You both crack me up. But our dilemma, and I stress the word “our” Miss Hanes, isn’t amusing or funny. Fortunately, we have had several other possible cases of alien abduction to make comparisons, but nothing like this one.”

“Sara needs help, Lieutenant Smith. She is losing her sense of self. Other than getting younger, both mentally and physically, there isn’t anything positive about her situation,” Carolyn laments.


Alpha Omega M.D.

cookie-jar-001

Episode #304


page 286

Celebrating Thanksgiving – WIF Style

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Thanksgiving Extravaganza

In the United States

Thanksgiving-001

The First Thanksgiving at Plymouth By Jennie A. Brownscombe (1914)

In the United States, the modern Thanksgiving holiday tradition is commonly, but not universally, traced to a poorly documented 1621 celebration at Plymouth in present-day Massachusetts. The 1621 Plymouth feast and thanksgiving was prompted by a good harvest.Pilgrims and Puritans who began emigrating from England in the 1620s and 1630s carried the tradition of Days of Fasting and Days of Thanksgiving with them to New England. Several days of Thanksgiving were held in early New England history that have been identified as the “First Thanksgiving”, including Pilgrim holidays in Plymouth in 1621 and 1623, and a Puritan holiday in Boston in 1631. According to historian Jeremy Bangs, director of the Leiden American Pilgrim Museum, the Pilgrims may have been influenced by watching the annual services of Thanksgiving for the relief of the siege of Leiden in 1574, while they were staying in Leiden.In later years, religious thanksgiving services were declared by civil leaders such as Governor Bradford, who planned a thanksgiving celebration and fast in 1623. The practice of holding an annual harvest festival did not become a regular affair in New England until the late 1660s.

Thanksgiving proclamations were made mostly by church leaders in New England up until 1682, and then by both state and church leaders until after the American Revolution. During the revolutionary period, political influences affected the issuance of Thanksgiving proclamations. Various proclamations were made by royal governors, John Hancock, General George Washington, and the Continental Congress each giving thanks to God for events favorable to their causes. As President of the United States, George Washington proclaimed the first nation-wide thanksgiving celebration in America marking November 26, 1789, “as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favours of Almighty God”.

In modern times the President of the United States, in addition to issuing a proclamation, will “pardon” a turkey, which spares the bird’s life and ensures that it will spend the duration of its life roaming freely on farmland.

“Thank you Wikipedia!”

I am thankful for a God who loves us.

I am thankful I’m not a vegetarian.

My Granddaughter Norah is thankful that Mommy doesn’t humiliate her like this.

Thankful I did not have this nightmare.

Somebody’s Thanksgiving Dream

“You know you’re a Redneck when you order out KFC.”

“Where did I put that turkey?”

Cats and Dogs are thankful

Yep!


Celebrating Thanksgiving

– WIF Style

Laborious Puns #22

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Laborious Puns

“No man needs sympathy because he has to work, because he has a burden to carry. Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.”

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Labor Day is a good time to stop and reflect on the august events the the preceding month.

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Bringing a baby into the world is labor of love.

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. He labored so hard that he worked his fingers to the bone-us.

. In some places there is a lot of Manuel labor for every Juan.

In the NFL there is some  Manuel labor.

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They used to experiment on dogs called laboratory retrievers.

. A woman union leader who was pregnant had labor pains and then a striking baby.

Image result for unions

. At a company where they dig for gold a labor dispute is a miner problem where no one wants to get the shaft.


Laborious Puns

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Hee-hee

ON the JOB Puns #39 – WIF Wit and Humor

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ON the JOB Puns

Bank robbery is a safe job.

The ditch-digger didn’t just quit, he yelled, ‘Take this job and shovel it!’

Why did the lumberjack lose his job? He axed too many questions.

Paratroopers pull strings to stay on the job.

I applied for a job as a weatherman, but my knowledge of meteorology was a little cloudy.

I lost my job at the quarry, I guess you could say I’ve hit rock bottom.

Taxidermy is a job for stuffy people.

I got a job in the transmission shop. It’s shift work.

Whoever served up the wine at that banquet did a pour job

The girl quit her job at the doughnut factory because she was fed up with the hole business.

Since I’ve taken the job in The Everglades I’ve been swamped!

My cartography job is really going to put me on the map.


ON the JOB Puns #39 –

WIF Wit and Humor