Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 195

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 195

“Get up & stretch your legs, as Constance Caraway and her dashing friend Ace Bannion contemplate taking a side-trip.”

Chapter Seventeen

CALL HIM ISAAC

“When will the plane be fixed,” Constance asks a typical girl question, when the answer is guaranteed not to be a simple one.

Ace Bannion uses his teaspoon to stir his bowl of Corn Flakes, mixing the sugar down into the milk. “You know, I never used to like milk CC or boxed cereal for that matter.”

“What did you used to eat for breakfast, oh never mind, you’re changing the subject! That big thing you ditched on its belly, when does it get back in the air?”

“The Angel has an upset stomach,” Ace uses human terms to describe considerable fuselage damage. “But the Douglas sabotagerepair shop cannot touch her until the Civil Aeronautics Board can trace any possible sabotage back to Kansas City.”

“Dirty pool, I’d say,” she said with more than token certainty.

“Those guys need to be taken down; you don’t mess with thirty-five lives and get away with it. And with the Crusade switching to bus mode, for who knows how long, could be months, Billy told me to relax and make sure the rest of the schedule is tied up in a tidy bow.”

“Fanny and Worth are taking care of security for the Crusade for the next month, so that gives us a few days to burn, any ideas?,” Constance isn’t one for sitting around.

“It looks like Worth is fitting in quite nicely,” Ace is surprised that Fanny has brought the Tallahassee attorney into CCI’s everyday operations.

“Yes he is, filling a huge need since we have taken control of Graham security. They work so well together,” which is quite an adjustment for a previously small firm like theirs, “but that is them and we are us.”

You don’t have hit old Ace over the head with a hammer. He can tell that Connie is feeling left out and now that April has rolled around.


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 164

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 182

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 182

…My dad was told that he couldn’t make a movie about lesbians, so he said, ‘That’s alright, we’ll call them Hungarians’…

… Oops. Young Samuel Goldwyn has accidentally stepped into tabooed doo doo.Image result for misquoted

Connie’s face turns robust shade of crimson.

“Hey, I misquote the Bible all the time,” Billy fortuitously rushes past those misplaced sexual references. “Say, if you are looking for outside work, I have been thinking about recording my Chicago Crusade, in case you would be interested.”

“I could hang around town for a while, if it is worth my while,” Goldwyn the younger speculates about his near future. “I could edit my footage for the air travel documentary here in Chicago instead of going back to California.”

“May I suggest that I relinquish my rights for anything you film at our meetings, you know, all those intensely personal stories about folks from all walks of life getting saved? It is some powerful theater.”

“My father has a screenplay about a traveling tent preacher, Elmer Gantry I believe; maybe we can take something away from it, work together on a picture down the road.”

“Sounds great, but I’ve got to get back to my people, Samuel. Samuel — that is a great name, 1st & 2nd in the Old Testament.” Pastors cannot help but tie everyday things into the Bible. Graham hands the conversation back, “You can reach me through Miss Caraway.”

“The way things come together these days is the cat’s meow… we travel by air and talk over the telephone, just like that,” like the snap of her fingers, Constance comments on how things can form a network so quickly these days.

“The cat’s meow, the cat’s pajamas whatever, this cat is making Chicago home for a month.”

“You better bring your new wife out or you won’t be married for long.”Get It Right

“Good point, Cassie, I will ring up Jennifer from the terminal.”

“It’s Connie and if you don’t start getting my name right, you won’t live to see tomorrow!”

Libbyites-001“Look, I’m taking notes,” he scribbles away quickly. “We have Constance Caraway and Ace Bannion, Rev. Billy and who…?”

“… and Fanny Renwick, Worth Moore, Martin Kamen, Eddie & Edie Dombroski, Jesse James and the star of the show, Willard Libby, over there with blood running down his temple. Got it Goldwyn?”

“I have a feeling that I will be meeting the rest of these folks soon,” Samuel’s mother had little to do with his rearing, so there is an adjustment period with a dominant female like Constance, “and remind me not to ruffle your feathers.”

There is a preponderance of high achievers gathering in Chicago.  You could call it just a coincidental confluence of concerned citizens, but you would be wrong.

There are no coincidences under the loving umbrella of God and there exists but one rainmaker capable of arranging for these dramatis personae, in this place, at this time.


Constance Caraway P.I.

Ites

Forever Mastadon


page 154 (end Ch. 15)

Plot Holes Exposed – WIF @ the Movies

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Beloved Movies

and

TV Episodes

with Gaping

Plot Holes

At this point, writing a script for a film or an episode of television should be down to an exact science. Even people with a passing interest in scripts know about phrases such as inciting incidents, peaks and valleys, and denouncements, and even without popular web-pages like IMDb goofs or the endless ranks of video essayists on YouTube, we can sniff out a hole in a plot.

So knowing audiences have that level of savvy, how can filmmakers that have to devote months, if not years to these projects think that they can get away with having holes in stories that seem like they would take a conscious effort to ignore? On top of that, how do they sometimes not only get away with it but make movies and episodes that audiences cherish for generations? Perhaps we can gain some insight into that by looking at the stories below. All 10 examples are, we should mention, movies and episodes that we love enough to have watched multiple times. Still, you can’t really love something until you accept its flaws.

(By the way, if you’re expecting Citizen Kane and its infamous supposed plot hole to be on here, check this page for why it isn’t. Also, SPOILERS ahead!)

10. Avengers: Infinity War

In the fourth movie in world history to gross over two billion dollars at the box office, the villain Thanos wants to become so powerful that he can, at a stroke, kill half the universe’s population to provide more resources for the other half. Aside from how nonsensical that is (think how many systems of producing and distributing the needed resources would be practically wiped out, how traumatized many of the survivors would be, etc.) considering he can do whatever he wants with time, space, reality, and so on, it also means that he can provide infinite resources to everyone. So why would he kill half the population to deal with alleged shortages?

However, some might try to dismiss that by claiming it’s part of his insanity. In terms of sheer plot mechanics, there’s a less high-falutin example near the end of the movie. The hero Doctor Strange possesses a green stone which allows him to, among other things, reset time for at least a short period. This was demonstrated quite memorably in the climax of Doctor Strange. Yet after a confrontation with Thanos late in the movie, he allows himself and his associates to be defeated without employing this power at all, despite the loss being an extremely near-run matter. There’s a common trope among superhero stories of the heroes “forgetting” their powers, but rarely does it go that far.

9. Get Out

While the meticulous plotting of Get Out‘s screenplay required twenty drafts and resulted in Jordan Peele receiving the Academy Award for Best Screenplay, he left an unfortunate hole in the story that’s as much unnecessary as it’s a cheat.

The basic plot of the film is that Chris goes with his girlfriend Rose to visit her parents’ home. While there, he encounters a person from his neighborhood who is now in a relationship with a much older woman. Since he and other black people that Chris has encountered have been acting weirdly, he is deeply suspicious, even before he receives confirmation from his friend Rod that, indeed, the person he just met has been listed as a missing person, just as numerous other black people in that neighborhood have been. Shortly after, Chris discovers a box in the closet of the bedroom he and Rose have been sleeping in. It is full of photos of Rose with a large number of black boyfriends and girlfriends, including the person Chris knew was missing, revealing that something profoundly wrong is happening.

The issue is this: Why does Rose have that very incriminating box of evidence where Chris could find it? In the following scenes, it’s revealed that Rose is a willing participant in the disappearances and feels no remorse. Indeed, we see her casually looking through photos of up and coming athletes shortly after, indicating that she’s already moving on from the harm she’s going to inflict on Chris, so it’s not as if she’d subconsciously be sabotaging the crime. They’re also printed photos even though the movie is set in contemporary times when surely she would be inclined through social conditioning to take digital photographs. Even the best screenplays can’t seem to escape these missteps.

8. Black Mirror: National Anthem

Often hailed as The Twilight Zone for the internet age, Charlie Brooker’s science fiction anthology struck a chord with audiences from its pilot episode, which premiered in December 2011. In the episode, Princess Susannah is kidnapped by an unknown person who will only release her alive on the condition that the prime minister do something by that late afternoon that the prime minister very much does not want to do, with the full understanding of the public. One of his subordinates makes arrangements to cheat the arrangement in the event Princess Susannah is not rescued in time. Word of the attempted cheat gets out, so the kidnapper releases a video of him removing one of the Susannah’s fingers, and he sends a finger to the press. Learning about this cheat and the harm inflicted on the Princess turns the public against the prime minister, forcing him to go through with the deal. In the end, it’s revealed that the princess is released unharmed and that the kidnapper was an old performance artist who cut off one of his own fingers.

The issue with that is that the performance artist is revealed to be an aged man with a generally working class body while Princess Susannah looks like she’s a model in lower middle age, at the oldest. There’s no way their fingers could plausibly be mistaken for each other, even in the heat of the moment. Even if the extent of the news that leaked was that a finger was sent to a media outlet after the video of the supposed finger removal (which is staged so that the injury itself does not happen in the camera’s line of sight), word would just as quickly get out that it wasn’t her finger, which would massively undercut the public pressure for the prime minister to meet the kidnapper’s demands.

7. Cinderella

While it is a tale as old as time, most viewers today are probably familiar with it through either the 1951 animated Disney adaptation or the 2014 live action Disney adaptation. Or maybe the 2014 deconstruction in Into the Woods by… uh, Disney again. Our readers very likely don’t need the plot synopsis, but in brief: There’s a hardworking stepdaughter/maid who sneaks to a royal dance after her fairy godmother gives her a dress, carriage, and slippers made of her old clothes, a pumpkin, and magic respectively. She dances with the prince, they fall in love but she has to leave at midnight, leaving her slipper behind. He hunts her down by having every woman in the kingdom try on the slipper until it fits her.

But this story, whether it be the original French version, the German version by the Brothers Grimm, and every film adaptation, has a major problem related to the character of the prince. It doesn’t even make sense by fairy tale logic that the prince loves someone without even knowing what she looks like. Even the star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet knew each other’s faces! While fairy tales naturally get deconstructed a lot despite being wish fulfillment fantasies for children, everyone always seems to get too hung up on how impractical glass slippers would be as an article of clothing to observe this problem with the plot.

6. Raiders of the Lost Ark

This 1981 film was both a tribute to 1930s movie serials (even though creators George Lucas and Steven Spielberg admitted they didn’t actually like those when they screened a few for each other during pre-production) and one of the films that codified Hollywood’s blockbuster era. Indiana Jones was instantly iconic as a tomb raiding academic who goes on an adventure to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant  in a race against his old rival Belloq and his Nazi collaborators.

It probably helped that in Lawrence Kasdan’s acclaimed screenplay, Indiana Jones is more relatable because he so often fails on the way to the climax, including said climax beginning with him in captivity.

This is where the trouble with the story emerges. As Indiana and his fellow captive Marion Ravenwood look on, the Nazis open the Ark. Ominous light emanates from the Ark, and out of the blue, Indiana Jones tells Marion to shut her eyes. As they do, angels that seem more like demons emerge and kill all of their captors. Never mind the moral issues that they indiscriminately kill everyone solely on the basis of looking at them. How does Indiana know that shutting their eyes is the way for him and Marion to save themselves? The only thing he’s said about it before this scene was when, back at the university, he sees an image of the Ark and blithely guesses that the light emerging from it is the “power of God.” It’s a very puzzling oversight.

Except it actually isn’t. Kasdan included a scene in the original screenplay where the means of surviving was explained to Dr. Jones, but it was cut during editing. Which just goes to show that even a perfect script can be undone during the production process.

5. Black Mirror: USS Callister

After six years and a move from BBC to Netflix, the premiere for Black Mirror’s fourth season once again left audiences in awe and slightly disturbed. In brief, the episode is about the creator of a virtual reality online video game named Robert Daly. Instead of merely playing his game (which is modeled in large part on a fictional equivalent of the original Star Trek series) as a light adventure as originally intended, Daly makes artificially intelligent copies of coworkers and tortures them into treating him as essentially a god. Part of Black Mirror’s conceit was well-established by that time that AI simulations of people have the equivalents of physical sensations and emotions, thus making the AI in this show as sympathetic as any human beings would be and their existences just as Hellish.

Still, a problem with the story is revealed almost immediately. To properly map out the memories and emotions of his coworkers to make the simulations as accurate as possible, Daly sneaks samples of their DNA home from work from such things as discarded Styrofoam cups. The issue of that is that while Daly would indeed have good DNA samples to make clones, in real life he wouldn’t be able to make replicas required by the narrative because our DNA does not contain our memories. It’s a testament to the execution of the episode that this did not seem to take many viewers out of the experience.

4. A Quiet Place

A Quiet Place, the directorial debut from John Krasinski, is a commercial and critical darling. However, its suspenseful pace and limited dialogue left audiences with plenty of time to nitpick the details of its story about monsters that rely on sound to hunt down a family. The biggest issue is really a nail that is sticking up from the middle of a step to the basement that Evelyn Abbott steps on. Now, the nail is sticking up right from the middle of the step, and the staircase is in good condition, so this is not a matter of rushed or improvised repair after the apocalypse. It also is not joining two pieces of wood together. So why in the world is it there? Perhaps the deaf daughter Regan Abbott put it there because she’s subconsciously becoming suicidal (that’s extrapolating from how she blames herself for the death of her young brother and wants to stop experimenting with hearing aids). That still leaves a nagging question: How did it get pounded in without an immediate monster attack?

The producers Brad Fuller and Andrew Form were questioned about the nail and the best they came up with was saying that the family couldn’t risk the noise of removing a nail. Which… Fine. But why, or even how, did they get it there in the first place?!

3. Hereditary

While there are many that are contemptuous of this horror hit (hence the fact the influential audience test score called Cinemascore gave it a D+), those that view it favorably tend to be passionate about it. It is deliberate in its pacing and unpredictability, and its art design is as subtly creepy as it is beautiful. Near the beginning, a family learns that a recently departed grandmother’s grave has been desecrated and things… well, they get even more grisly and disturbing from there, including the death of of the main character’s young daughter, Charlie, which culminates in a truly horrifying ending.

While it could be fairly said that writer-director Ari Aster attempted a much more grounded form of occult horror, he still left some substantial holes in the story. Staci Wilson of At Home in Hollywood pointed out that the cemetery calls the family to inform them of the desecration. However, later in the movie Charlie’s remains are also seen, and the movie devotes time to seeing her burial. So how is the family not being told about this desecration? How are the police not being informed of it? With a clear connection between the two desecrated graves, why are the police not investigating the family? Aster has to really fill the run-time with unsettling imagery to keep the viewer’s mind off matters like that.

2. The Dark Knight Rises

While it might not have achieved the heights of critical hype and commercial success of 2008’s The Dark Knight, this 2012 film still made quite an impression with its story of how Bane practically paralyzes the billionaire vigilante Bruce Wayne and conquers the city of Gotham. It makes Bruce’s eventual recovery and triumph all the more compelling, especially with how costly it was in the end. And for this entry, we’re going to go ahead and ignore the well-established plot hole of how Bruce somehow got halfway around the world and snuck into Gotham despite being, at this point, a former billionaire with no resources.

However, one of the greatest problems with the story was that Bruce Wayne recovering from his injury and going through the spiritual journey that allows him to go confront Bane again on more favorable terms takes five months. Can you imagine any administration allowing a city to fall into the hands of criminals to such an extent that people physically cannot enter the city? We can just see some commentators saying something like “sure, look at Chicago, New Orleans, etc,” but you know what we mean. Even in a series where urban crime is to an extent decided by costumed heroes and villains having fistfights, that’s just silly. Silly in a way that the movies directed by Christopher Nolan have tried their hardest not to be.

1. The Sixth Sense

One of the biggest hits of 1999 and the possessor of perhaps the most famous twist in modern cinema history, this film had members of entertainment media predicting that M. Night Shyamalan would be the next Steven Spielberg. We’ll see if his recent hit Split will put him back on course to achieving that honor, but we can always appreciate his story of a child who could see the many ghosts that walk among us. One or two oft-parodied scenes dominate most people’s memories of this film, but there’s a particularly touching scene where Cole Sear conquers his fear of ghosts by helping bring closure to the ghost of Kyra Collins.

Problem with it is that Kyra’s sequence brings with it all sorts of problems. For one thing, it’s said of the ghosts that “they see what they want to see,” so why is she the only one who’s aware she’s dead? There’s also the fact that the way she imparts the truth to Cole for him to pass on to her father is by pushing a VHS tape out from under her bed when he goes to her house during the funeral. But if Collins is aware she’s dead, and has apparently already watched the tape (otherwise she wouldn’t know that it has the information that would identify her murderer on it), then she must be able to move the tape around considerably. So what’s to stop her from just showing it to her father herself without seeking out Cole Sear? Like the rest of these, it’s hardly a movie ruining problem, but it’s enough to make you wonder how such inconsistency was never picked up by critics or harped on during the years-long Shyamalan backlash.


Plot Holes Exposed –

WIF @ the Movies

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 181

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 181

…Goldwyn the Junior relates his father’s stories often, “like when he was told that he couldn’t make a movie about lesbians he said…

“That was quite a show Ajax Bannion.” The man does have the flair for the dramatic, as Constance notes. “We caught the whole thing on film.”

He looks at her sideways, inaudibly wondering who the guy with camera is, but passes on bothering to question Connie’s curious ways.

But she cannot help but comment, “A lot of good that CAA inspection did you.”

“I’ll meet you in the terminal, CC,” he will deal with potential plots of ill intent, after he decompresses.

“That would be our out cue, Cassandra,” Goldwyn is not very good at names.

“Let me play director now. One more time with feeling; it’s Constance Caraway, not Cassandra Coriander, although I may use that as an alias someday,” she makes allowances for her hasty initial introduction, not to mention that he cannot be more than 25 years old. “I am with Constance Caraway Investigation and the pilot of that plane is a close friend of mine.”

She hands him one of her business cards.

“Tallahassee Florida, cool beans. Hey thanks for the tip, fantastic footage. It would cost a fortune to stage that for a movie,” ever enterprising, Goldwyn Jr. will put his footage to good use. The Blue Ridge Angel, this must be a private plane?”

“Yes, it is the official plane for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and his worldwide Crusades.”

“Did I hear my name?” asks the aforementioned man himself. “Are you a filmmaker young man, I see your fancy camera there?”

“It is a privilege to meet you Mr. Graham, my father is a huge fan of your work, he even was at your Los Angeles meeting… and he never has been inside a church.”

“Your father is?”

“Samuel Goldwyn.”

“No kidding. I’m a big fan of his work, Metro Goldwyn Mayer I believe. He does say the craziest things.”

“He is known for his malapropisms,” Junior relates Senior’s stories often, “like when he was told that he couldn’t make a movie about lesbians he said,That’s alright, we’ll call them Hungarians’.

Oops. Young Goldwyn has accidently stepped into tabooed doo doo.


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 153

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 178

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 178

…Seated a few seats down from Constance is a man with a bulky motion picture camera next to him…

Photo by Richard Lund

Photo by Richard Lund

Meanwhile

From her vantage point in the main terminal, Constance is not the only one wondering what is going on; there is an army of flashing red lights on an otherwise ordinary weekday evening. The public address announcements will tell you where to pick up your baggage or that meatloaf is the special in the cafeteria, but mum is the word on what the fuss is about.

The taxiways are empty and there hasn’t been a takeoff or landing for 15 minutes and as 7:30 has come and gone, Constance is getting that sinking feeling. She begins to pray, unwittingly joining in the rising chorus of believers, here on the ground and especially in the air.

Seated a few seats down from her is a man with a bulky motion picture camera next to him, but very much asleep. She is compelled to roust him to ask the obvious, “Is this entire hullabaloo for a movie? You’d think they’d tell someone.”

“Oh, my no! I am shooting footage for a documentary on the air travel boom, now that ordinary people can afford to fly,” he appears seriously tired, perhaps why he was nodding off earlier, after a long day of filming at Midway.

“I don’t mean to be forward,” yeah right, “but I believe there is something very serious about to happen. Maybe you should load some fresh tape into that thing and get ready.”

“This is 35mm nitrocellulose film, not tape and I’m on my last reel Ma’am.”

“My name is Caraway, Constance … and yours?” she extends her hand.

Goldwyn, Samuel  Jr.,” he returns the inside-out salutation.

Constance isn’t an expert on Hollywood, but she does keep track of things out of Tallahassee, “Is your father _____?”

“Yes, the bigtime filmmaker, but he’s in Europe, doing his movie star thing. I am my own man, thank you… and a newlywed. My wife is back home in L.A.”

“It is nice to meet you, but while you were napping, I think something big is going to happen.”


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 151

Unusual Pirated Products – WIF Consumer Corner

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5 Unusual

Pirated Products

As a wise man once said, piracy is often a pricing issue, not a servicing issue. In short, people pirate things not because they don’t want to pay for them, but because the legal avenue to obtain them is unnecessarily obtuse or customer unfriendly. With that in mind, here are five amusing stories about lesser known, but oddly popular items that have found themselves being pirated over the last few years.

 5. The Green Lantern movie was searched for more in 2011 than “porn”

If there’s one thing it’s not hard to find on the internet, it’s images and video of people doing the horizontal hug. Pornography is ubiquitous online and remains one of the internet’s most traded and oft-pirated forms of media… except for in 2011, when more people wanted to watch that terrible live-action Green Lantern movie.

To explain, according to collated list of the 100 most searched for terms on a popular torrent site throughout all of 2011, more users searched the words “green lantern” that year than they did the word “porn”. Along with apparently being more popular than the most generic search term to find pictures of boobs online we can think of, “green lantern” was sought out by pirates more often than even objectively better content that came out that same year, like Captain America: The First Avenger or Breaking Bad. Then again, maybe the reason pirates torrented the Green Lantern movies so much is because they didn’t feel it was worth paying for it. Hell, we wouldn’t blame them, we paid to see that movie and wish we could have that money back every time we don’t have enough change to buy a soda.

4. The most commonly pirated eBooks are about being better at sex, Photoshop, and math

Thanks to the rise of electronic reading devices like the Kindle, it’s possible to download and, perhaps more pertinently to this article, pirate your favorite books. Meaning that yes, we live in an age where it’s possible to illegally download 18,000 copies of the Bible if you really felt like it.

Like most things online, sites on which it’s possible to illegally download eBooks meticulously track what users are doing and the results are actually kind of fascinating. For example, in 2011 it was found that the 10 most torrented ebooks by users of the PirateBay included two books about using Photoshop, and three books detailing how to be better at sex, neither of which seems all that surprising at first. However, inexplicably sandwiched between both these things on the list is a book titled 101 Short Cuts in Maths Anyone Can Do. A book that, as far as we can tell, detailed neither how to blow a woman’s mind in bed or better use radial gradients. Meaning maybe, just maybe, it was torrented purely for the benefit of learning something interesting, but ultimately useless in real life. Speaking of which…

3. People love pirating college textbooks

There are hundreds of horror stories about the ever rising cost of college textbooks floating around the internet, from students having to pay hundreds of dollars to buy a book their professor wrote, to textbooks being reprinted every year just to force students to buy them again. Most sources are in agreement that college textbooks simply cost too much, but few offer a solution to the problem. Or, should we say, few offer a legal solution to the problem… because many students have found that pirating a textbook they’re going to use for one class is a preferable alternative to eating nothing but ramen for a semester.

Along with uploading PDFs of popular course books, more enterprising students have skirted around the soaring price of college reading material by doing things like pooling their cash buy a single copy and photocopying every page. To make this fact even more hilarious, the Washington Post has found that some students have even been found pirating textbooks for ethics classes. Meaning there’s a student out there somewhere writing an essay about the ethics of digital piracy, while referencing a pirated copy of their course textbook. The only way to make submitting that essay a bigger slap in the face for the professor would be to position the printer over their sleeping face, and replace the paper in it with slices of wet ham.

2. Pirated cable boxes offer better service than actual cable companies

Online streaming services have been collectively kicking the cable industry in its aging, greying sack for a while now, and for the most part cable companies have done nothing to try and compete with the superior service they provide. For example, a common complaint about cable companies is that they refuse to offer a la carte programming (basically the option to pick and pay for only one or two channels), and have repeatedly insisted that this isn’t possible. Which is weird, because the people pirating their service can do exactly that.

Yes, there are unscrupulous folks out there who will sell you a pirated cable box or Android device with any channel you want unlocked. The difference being that, unlike cable companies (who will slap on a bunch of stuff you don’t want and charge you $80 dollars every month for the privilege), the people those same cable companies call thieves, will charge you once and only give you exactly what you feel is worth paying for, with regard to channels. For example, in Canada some people were caught buying a one for a one off fee of about $100, purely so that they could watch Game of Thrones on HBO, a move that saw HBO send pissy letters to customers reminding them that “it’s never been easier to legally watch HBO shows in Canada.” A sentence that’s technically correct, if you’re willing to pay about $100 per month for a top tier cable package. In other words, the pirates are offering customers a better deal than cable companies, and the reaction from those companies is to do absolutely nothing to make their service better.

1. Keurig has spent years having an amazing pissing match about their coffee maker

Keurig is a company best known for making single cup coffee machines that use those weird little pods. They’re also known for being huge, whiney babies about people who don’t specifically use their coffee pods. The company maintains that only official Keurig brand coffee pods should be used with their machines, despite most generic coffee pods working just fine.

Keurig, rather than trying to compete with these rival companies by offering a better selection of products, lowering their prices, or producing higher quality coffee, have opted to instead design ever more sophisticated machines that refuse to accept anything but official Keurig pods. Keurig is so gung-ho about this that they released a new machine that didn’t even work with old Keurig podsleading to a massive public outcry when customers who bought one realized they had to buy the newer, more expensive pods compatible with the machine. An endeavor that proved to be ultimately fruitless, because every time Keurig does this, generic brand coffee pod makers always find a way to circumvent it either by pirating the technology in the pods or figuring out how to mimic it. Still, it’s kind of nice to know that right now, there’s a company getting rich selling pirated pods of coffee. If only because that sentence sounds hilarious.


Unusual Pirated Products

wif-consumer-corner-001

WIF Consumer Corner

Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 160

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 160

…Cannon is a charismatic speaker, generally commanding attention from any sized gathering. If you get him talking, good luck in getting him to shut up…

The mysterious Penty-in-Winters’-clothing appears out of nowhere to Cannon’s surprise. L Dick has been writing Science Fiction for years, but seeing someone appear out of nowhere is quite another thing.

“I will not be a part of a traveling magic show.” Garfield has been around his share of stage gimmicks, but this stunt was not part of a movie script.

5046 Greenwood

“This is not magic John Garfield; you may not have seen me come into the room.”

“It must be this house, it gives me the creeps,” he pulls the collar of his coat up around his neck and face. “It’s getting colder in here and what’s that smell?”

{Cannon had thought it was all about him. He was under the impression that he was in control, running the show and that Winters was just a means to his ends. He remembers that smell. He has felt that chill before.

But that is all gone now. How long has he been at this house? He is losing his grip on the present. When do dreams become reality and how?

‘Forget Langston, forget,’ he is urged by a resonating voice.}

“Let’s just say that this house has an unsavory past,” Penty/Winters attempts to explain away any causality on his part. “There must have been a fatal fire in the past… and there’s always a nasty draft.”

“We are going to fill Chicago Stadium with people who thirst for mental contentment. From Hackensack New Jersey to Hollywood California and Houghton Michigan to Homestead Florida, my followers will flock to Middle America to trumpet the work of the Cannon Dianetic Research Foundation.”

Cannon is a charismatic speaker, generally commanding attention from any sized gathering. If you get him talking, good luck in getting him to shut up. Given to pontification, he will make you a devoted follower before you realize that you’ve been had.

He tells the actor/shill, “I will personally meet and greet any of your disaffected Hollywood friends. They can take center stage with us and join in a global spiritual unification,” He has forgotten those nagging suspicions of his host a few minutes earlier and re-morphed into his twisted personae of a ‘Pied Piper for the morally confused’. “Just make sure that we are not lumped into one communist basket. Spiritual Engineering can’t afford that black eye.”

Winters, a briefcase toting homeowner by day and dream-weaving demon by night, is exceedingly pleased that Langston Richard Cannon has become the very pompous puppet he had foreseen.

Producing a smile on the face of evil should be the last thing on anyone’s to-do list.


Constance Caraway P.I.

Forever Mastadon


page 138