Sith Lord Handbook – A Star Wars Fix

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Dangerous

Sith Lords

in the

Star Wars Universe

In a sense, the Jedi and the Sith are different sides of the same coin. They are the extremes of what some may say is the same ideology. The Jedi believe in control over themselves, their emotions, and control in everything else in the Galaxy through peace. The Sith, on the other hand, believe in power; power to shape the Galaxy as they see fit. And while the Jedi believe that anyone should have the power of control over their lives, the Sith believe that anyone should control the amount of power they can individually achieve.

 Now, there is a fine line between power and control, and in moderation, neither of them are evil. What makes the Sith evil, because all of them are, is the Dark Side of the Force. While the Light Side is channeled with feelings like serenity, honesty, empathy, and love, the Dark Side is accessed through fear, anger, hate, envy, and suffering. These negative emotions, further fueled by the Dark Side itself, are what make the Sith both so powerful, and extremely dangerous.

10. Count Dooku / Darth Tyranus

“He was one of the most brilliant Jedi I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing.” – Jocasta Nu

Dooku was a great Jedi Master prior to turning to the Dark Side and becoming Darth Tyranus. He was Qui-Gon Jinn’s Master, and Padawan to none other than Yoda himself. Dooku was known for his calm and intelligent demeanor, being regarded as a great philosopher, politician, and warrior. Yoda considered him the Jedi Temple’s greatest student, as well as the Order’s greatest failure when he turned to the Dark Side. Nevertheless, he was highly apathetic towards all other forms of life, even as a Jedi, considering Qui-Gon’s love for all living things as his greatest weakness.

His faith in the Jedi Order diminished over the years, considering it to have become weak, easily manipulated, and ineffective. With the Jedi Order’s unwillingness to properly aid Qui-Gon after his discovery of the Sith and his subsequent death at the hands of Darth Maul, Dooku left the Order in search for the mysterious mastermind behind the attack. During his investigation he met Darth Sideous, who revealed his plans and civilian identity, and who then took Dooku as his Sith Apprentice.

Now known as Darth Tyranus, Dooku became the face of the Separatist movement and led the conflict against the Republic. As a lightsaber duelist, Dooku was almost unmatched and could easily hold his own against Mace Windu or even Yoda. He mastered the second form of combat known as Makashi, or The Contention Form. This style focused mostly on dueling and relied on elegant footwork and balance to outmaneuver the opponent and avoid disarmament. But while the form allowed the duelist to defend himself with minimum effort, it failed to gather momentum and finally overwhelm the enemy.

This was ultimately Dooku’s undoing at the hands of Anakin Skywalker. When it came to his Force abilities, he had great knowledge as a former Jedi. By channeling the Living Force he once healed himself from a deadly plague. He was a master of telekinesis, moving objects around and even making himself fly over short distances. After turning to the Dark Side, he learned how to hide his presence from other Force-sensitives, to use Force Lightning, Force Choke, and even to rip information from people’s minds.

9. Darth Bane

“The Sith killed each other, victims of their own greed. But from the ashes of destruction, I was the last survivor.” – Darth Bane’s apparition

Darth Bane was raised by his abusive father in a poor mining community, on a planet far in the Outer Rim Territories. He lived roughly 1,000 years before the events in the Star Warsmovies and would ultimately become the only Sith left in the galaxy. He was taken on by the Sith Brotherhood of Darkness, led by Skere Kaan, in a time when the Galactic Republic was weak and the Jedi overwhelmed. After learning of his Force-affinity, the Brotherhood taught him the way of the Dark Side and he quickly rose through the ranks.

Over time, he grew to despise his fellow Sith, believing the organization to be severely flawed and its leader weak. He believed that the weak should always serve the strong, rather than be treated as equals. And the Brotherhood endorsed equality among its members. Bane saw this as a serious disadvantage, since the Sith, fueled by their own desires, were subject to constant infighting and never focused their full attention on the Jedi. He devised a plan where Kaan and the Brotherhood would destroy themselves battling the Jedi, and he would remain the sole heir of the Sith legacy.

When this inevitably happened, with the end of the New Sith War, he created the Order of Sith Lords and implemented the Rule of Two. This doctrine stated that only two Sith should exist at any given time; a Master and an Apprentice. With it, the Sith would no longer get in each other’s way and the law of Survival of the Fittest would follow its natural path. When the Apprentice would become more powerful than the Master, he would kill him and take his place, allowing the Sith Order to constantly improve itself.

Though Bane never lived, or intended to see his design come to full fruition and finally destroy the Jedi Order, it did happen one thousand years later with the infamous Order 66. Bane was killed by his apprentice, Darth Zannah. Regardless of his death, Bane was known for his amazing lightsaber skills. During his training sessions, he would go outside in a heavy storm and deflect every drop of rain in his proximity, coming out of it completely dry.

8. Darth Plagueis

“Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith so powerful and so wise, he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create life. He had such knowledge of the dark side; he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying.” – Palpatine to Anakin Skywalker

Darth Plagueis, also known as The Wise, was Palpatine’s Master. And like Palpatine described, Plagueis was killed by his Apprentice in his sleep, by using Force Lightning. What’s more, Palpatine killed him by first getting him drunk the night before he became Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. Nevertheless, Plagueis was a great Sith Lord, regardless of his weakness of fully trusting his Apprentice.

Though skilled with the lightsaber, Darth Plagueis was never interested in using it. He was also exceptionally skilled with the Force, and was a true pioneer when it came in dealing with midi-chlorian manipulation. His greatest fear, above all else, was death. He wanted to break the Sith cycle of two by making himself and his Apprentice immortal, then defeat the Jedi once and for all, and rule the Galaxy for eternity.

In his years of studying the Force through the lens of science, he was able to channel it in order to bring others back from the dead. Ten years before the events taking place in The Phantom Menace, Plagueis, with the aid of his Apprentice, Sidious, attempted to create the living embodiment of the Force by making use of the Dark Side and Sith alchemy. In other words, they tried to create life directly from the Force itself.

The experiment didn’t work, however, and it even killed all of Plagueis’ other experiments. What’s more, during the Crisis on Naboo, he became aware of the existence of Anakin, who was what he initially intended to create. The Sith Lord concluded that the Force not only resisted his will during his experiment, but also retaliated by actually creating the Chosen One who was prophesized to destroy the Sith. Darth Maul was then sent to Naboo to capture Anakin and bring him to Plagueis, who would either take him for his own or kill him. But that didn’t happen, and Palpatine then decided to use Anakin against the Jedi by slowly corrupting him to the Dark Side.

7. Revan

“Savior, conqueror, hero, villain; you are all things, Revan… and yet you are nothing. In the end, you belong to neither the light nor the darkness. You will forever stand alone.” – Darth Malak

Revan is an extremely complicated character within the Star Wars universe. He was a Jedi Master and a Sith Lord, as well as a combination of both at the same time. For his many great deeds, he was held in high regard and seen as a legend by both the Sith and the Jedi in the centuries that followed, being awarded titles like the Revanchist, Revan the Butcher, Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Revan, the Prodigal Knight, or simply, The Revan. We can’t say much about him without having to go into great detail, and we’ll try to keep it short.

He lived during the Mandalorian Wars and the Jedi Civil War, roughly 4,000 years before the destruction of the Death Star. He started out as a Jedi Knight, but was a vocal critic of the Jedi’s inactivity during the Mandalorian conflict. He became a famed Supreme Commander of the Republic Army in that war and personally killed the leader of the Mandalorians. Together with his friend and fellow Jedi, Malak, they went into the Unknown Regions of the galaxy, only to discover a reconstituted Sith Empire and were turned to the Dark Side by the almighty Sith Emperor Vitiate.

They were sent back to the Republic as Sith Imperial agents. The two managed to escape the Emperor’s mental control and started their own Sith Empire. He was, however, betrayed by his Apprentice and friend, Darth Malak, and was captured by the Jedi Bastila Shan. With his memory wiped clean, he was retrained as a Jedi. Later, Revan defeated his former friend and married Bastila Shan. But as his memories slowly came back, he ventured again into the Unknown Regions, where he was captured by the Emperor.

He was held in stasis for 300 years, being slowly tortured by Vitiate throughout this entire time. He escaped and tried to destroy the Sith Empire, but was defeated by an imperial strike team before he could do that. Nevertheless, he didn’t die, due to the torture he endured at the hands of the Sith Emperor splintering his mind in two; a light side and a dark side. Revan later tried to kill Vitiate at whatever the cost, forcing both the Sith Empire and Galactic Republic to join forces in stopping him.

6. Darth Nihilus

“He is a wound in the Force, more presence than flesh, and in his wake life dies… sacrificing itself to his hunger.” – Visas Marr

Darth Nihilus was one of the most powerful and feared Sith to have ever existed. His time as a Dark Lord of the Sith was during a period of great turmoil in the galaxy, following the Jedi Civil War. His journey on the path of the Dark Side began with the end of the Mandalorian Wars, where Revan employed a devastating superweapon known as the Mass Shadow Generator. This terrible weapon was used to annihilate the Mandalorians once and for all, taking a great deal of Revan’s forces, as well as hundreds of Jedi with it.

The weapon destroyed the planet of Malanchor V and everyone on it, leaving only Darth Nihilus as the sole survivor. He was not a Sith back then, but the excruciating grief he felt after the event made him into one. Nihilus began feeling the constant urge to consume Force energy as a result. Under the apprenticeship of Darth Traya and together with Darth Sion, they formed the Sith Triumvirate, and Nihilus became known as The Lord of Hunger.

With his constant craving for energy, he became a literal Wound in the Force. This phenomenon appears when great numbers of living beings are killed in an instant, like the case with the destruction of Malanchor V, as well as the destruction of Alderaan by the Death Star. Darth Nihilus became a master user of a Sith ability known as Force Drain. With it, both Force energy and life are siphoned from a being, killing it in the process. And Nihilus used it like no one ever had. On the planet Katarr, he used this awesome power to kill everyone, including several hundred Jedi.

But this power made him completely addicted, and he would not stop using it until all life in the galaxy was gone. Even his body began turning into dark energy, and as a result, his spirit was leaving him. To counter it, he fused his spirit within his iconic mask and robes, anchoring him in the physical world. Now, even though he was skilled with the lightsaber and other Force abilities, his first and last line of attack and defense was the Force Drain. Though almost nobody could withstand it, Meetra Surik, a Jedi Exile, was immune to it and defeated him.

5. Darth Sion

“Yes…of pain he has learned much. Of knowledge, of teaching, he knows nothing.” – Kreia

Also known as The Lord of Pain, Darth Sion was a contemporary of aforementioned Darth Nihilus, and together with their master, Darth Traya, they formed the Sith Triumvirate. But unlike the other two, Darth Sion wasn’t excellent at either lightsaber combat or Force abilities. What makes him one of the most powerful Sith, however, even ahead of Nihilus, was his ability to… well, not die.

Though he was defeated many times, he was able to bring himself back by sheer will through the Dark Side of the Force. To achieve this power, he first became obsessed with pain and focused on it intensely. He was a pure warrior, tried-and-true. His task was to eliminate the remaining Jedi during the First Jedi Purge. As pain was his entire life, Darth Sion fed from it and the more pain he felt the more powerful he became.

He destroyed most of his enemies by coming back from the dead time and time again and defeating them with this literal immortality. Now, even though the Dark Side constantly brought him back, his physical body was, in fact, dead and decaying while Darth Sion was still in it. This made the pain even worse, which made him even more powerful as a result. He engaged Meetra Surik several times, always being defeated, but never killed. During these encounters, he developed some feelings for her and during their last battle, Surik persuaded Darth Sion to let go of his pure hatred. This finally made his spirit give in to the multiple injuries of his body, and die once and for all. In the end, the only one powerful enough to defeat Darth Sion was he himself.

4. Darth Vader

“Anakin, this path has been placed before you. The choice is yours alone.” – Shmi Skywalker

Darth Vader is one of the most famous Sith Lord that ever existed, as well as one of the most iconic characters in cinematic history. Born as the Chosen One, he became a Jedi prodigy. As Darth Sidious slowly corrupted him to the Dark Side, he eventually became Darth Vader. But Vader’s reputation was built from the ground up, not relying on his former prestige as a Jedi to build his persona. In fact, only a handful of people knew Darth Vader to be Anakin Skywalker.

Nevertheless, while he had the potential to become the most powerful Jedi that ever lived, Palpatine ensured it never happened. That, plus Anakin’s impatience, arrogance, and his crippling fear of losing loved ones. As a Sith, things are a bit more complicated. Much of what made him the Chosen One was lost when Obi-Wan Kenobi cut his limbs and left him to die face down near a river of lava. The Force needs living tissue for it to express itself in someone, and Vader was half machine. This diminished his Force abilities quite a bit, and is one reason why he’s not higher on the list (because we know you were expecting him to at least be in the top three).

But regardless of this serious disadvantage, Vader was capable of some feats of the Force few could match. Besides the Force Choke, for which he was famous and capable of using it on people many miles away, he also possessed the power of Force Lightning. However, he could never use it and was especially vulnerable to it. Darth Sidious made sure Vader’s armorcame with this particular disadvantage. The suit was also cumbersome and very uncomfortable to live in. And even though it weighed some 440 pounds, Vader was able to glide through the air and use Force Jump to great effect.

Initially limited by the suit when it came to his lightsaber skills, Vader later developed his own style of combat, bringing the suit and his many mechanical prosthetics to his advantage, overwhelming his opponent with sheer brute force. Vader was also capable of many other Force abilities, but he never was able to achieve his full potential as a Force-user, even as a Sith. While the suit and mechanical parts diminished his powers to a certain degree, the real reason for his failure was because he never accepted what he had become and what he had done to get there.

3. Tulak Hord

“If you were to face an ancient Sith Lord in combat, you would learn that we are as children playing with toys compared to the prowess of the old masters.” – Kreia, referring to Hord

Tulak Hord reined in a period long ago, and gained a reputation as perhaps the greatest Sith in history. He ruled the Ancient Sith Empire in a time when they hadn’t even encountered the Jedi. As he was developing into what he ultimately became, Hord was notorious and feared for his skills with the lightsaber. Over his many years and countless victories for the Sith Empire, he gained many titles like Lord of Hate and Master of the Gathering Darkness.

He became a Sith legend even when he was alive, with some saying that he could singlehandedly defeat entire armies on his own. He became skilled in Sith magic as well, being able to destroy armies even before his actual arrival on the battlefield. Over 100 worlds fell victim to his conquests. He was even able to bring down ships from space by using the Force.

It was also believed that Hord also discovered the secret to eternal life. He stored the information in Sith Holocrons – devices capable of storing large amounts of information – and then hid them in secret places on various planets throughout the galaxy. His hope was that only those who could match his power would be able to discover his secrets. But despite his power and seeming invincibility, Hord was killed by his Apprentice, Ortan Cela, who stabbed him in the back. The Apprentice was fully aware that he would never defeat his master in direct combat. Many years later, with the ensuing battles between the Sith Empire and the Galactic Republic, many of Hord’s journals and records were destroyed.

2. Vitiate

“There is no death; there is only the Force — and I am its master.” – Vitiate

Without a doubt, Vitiate was one of the most ruthless and powerful Sith Lords to have ever existed. His reign as Sith Emperor lasted for 1,300 years, so we won’t go into too much detail. He was actually the first Sith Emperor in the Star Wars Legends and he possessed extraordinary Force abilities from the time he was a child. He murdered his entire family and even tortured his mother for several months before he actually killed her. This was when he was only 6 years old. He went on to basically enslave his entire planet and control their minds. In a mystic ritual, he was able to consume the Force and vitality of an entire planet’s population, making him more or less immortal. The planet, which became the capital of his Empire, was subject to constant rain and thunderstorms and members of the population became possessed by dark powers, brought on his mere presence there. He was also indirectly responsible for both the Mandalorian Wars and Jedi Civil War, simply by manipulating the minds of others.

After Revan’s nearly successful attempt at killing him, Vitiate began transferring his spirit and powers into host bodies. With this power, he was able to bide his time and become even more powerful in the Force. His ultimate goal was to bring the galaxy to peace; not by any conventional means, but rather by destroying it. He wanted both immortality for himself, and a devoid galaxy to rule over.

1. Darth Sidious

“The Chancellor loves power. If he has any other passion, I have not seen it.” – Mace Windu

Darth Sidious, or Chancellor and, later, Emperor Palpatine, was in fact the most powerful Sith Lord to have ever existed. It is said that he was able to master all Force abilities known, and then some. As a child, and even before, he know about his Force powers. And, oh yeah, he was a literal psychopath. He killed people on Naboo, but because of his family’s influence, the stories were swept under the rug. This mental instability is what made him in such a good politician in the first place, being able to rise in the Senate arena.

Under the tutelage of Darth Plagueis, he mastered the Dark Side and even killed his own father as a sign of good faith to his new master. He ended up mastering the lightsaber to a level where almost no one could challenge him. Only Mace Windu was able to defeat him, but it is possible that Sidious was holding back in that fight.

With his amazing intelligence, deviousness, treachery, and incredible acting skills, Palpatine was able to singlehandedly plot the demise of the Galactic Republic and the Jedi Order in one fell swoop, not to mention doing so to thunderous applause. Though the movies show him being flung to his death by Darth Vader in the core of the Second Death Star, Darth Sidious actually became a nexus of the dark side of the Force above the Ewoks’ Moon of Endor.

Now that Disney acquired the rights of Star Wars, the lore of the Extended Universe has changed. But in the original version, Sidious didn’t die completely. He was able to transfer his spirit into a clone and become more powerful than ever before. He was now capable of creating Force Storms, hyperspace wormholes capable of transporting things and people through the galaxy, and destroying entire planets, stars, and even the fabric of the space-time continuum. He was only truly defeated by Luke Skywalker when he momentarily severed Palpatine’s connection to the Force, and one such storm consumed him.


Sith Lord Handbook

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– A Star Wars Fix

THE RETURN TRIP – Episode 132

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THE RETURN TRIP – Episode 132

…“Russia is like a bastard cousin; you have to invite them to family gatherings, but you serve them cheap beer instead of fine wine…

 

“I have fashioned a schematic for you to forward to the crew of the New Mayflower, if it’s not too late. They must construct a circuit in that vehicle with an anti-laser deflection field. I can be fairly positive that Sang-Ashi’s path may be on an intersecting course.”

“They have had a small shadow following them ever since they got a million miles past the moon. Do you have any idea what that could be? Does Sang-Ashi have a twin?” asks Roy Crippen.

“I know that the Russians were ready to launch their own probe, Uralsk I think it’s called, but I only know this because of a launch conflict with an astronaut exchange to the old International Space Station.” ISS is still in orbit, though its usefulness has long since been relegated to space lab experiments. “They claim that it is headed for Uranus, but if that was the case, they’ve missed their mark by 10 million miles, like they were aiming for the elliptical, but used parabolic calculations.

“Can they be that bad? They are truly like the Gang Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight.”

“They will claim to have had Mars in mind the whole time, who would know the difference. And I don’t think any harm can come from a country whose Soyuz continues to be the workhorse of the ISS, ever since the United States stopped the shuttle program. Regardless, my system must be implemented.”

Russia is like a bastard cousin; you have to invite them to family gatherings, but you serve them cheap beer instead of fine wine.” United States’ relations with the Great Sleeping Bear has been as chilly as the original Cold War, but has warmed since they put Putin in the ground in 2028.

“Okay Aldona, I will forward this plan to Rick Stanley, before they go into hyper-sleep.” Roy Crippen trusts this man’s insider instincts, even though the verdict is still officially out on the fate of SC1. “As for you, my friend, I am getting you an office at Lovell and your family will be set up here at Elgin—you are officially onSOL-logo the payroll, with an eye on placing you in the SOL Project.”

“Do you mean speed of light?”

“Can you dig it Mr. Afridi?” Roy is retro-hip.

“Working for NASA seemed like a foolish dream to me and now it has come true!”

“We can use your expertise and any tidbits about the Korean factor.” —


THE RETURN TRIP

Robert McCall, NASA Artist (1919-2010)

Episode 132


page 162

 

Contents TRT

TV and Movie Fact-Check – WIF Edu-tainment

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Fan Fact-check About

TV Shows and Movies

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Most films and TV shows take place within the confines of their own fictional universe, which differs from our own in varying ways. Even shows that do seemingly take place in our world, like Friends or The Office, are dramatically different to the reality we all know when you take the time to do the math. Not sure what we mean? Well, why not think about the fan calculations that show that…

 10. Rocky is Filled with Marathon-Running Superhumans

Within the Rocky cinematic universe, Rocky Balboa is considered by many to be the greatest boxer of all-time. The films tell us Rocky is held in such high regard not for his finesse or skill (in fact that explicitly go out of their way each film to show that Rocky blocks haymakers with his chin), but because he’s made of granite and impossible to knock out.

In the film Rocky Balboa, in which Rocky makes a comeback at about 60 years old, the film makes it clear that his only advantage is his power and ability to take a hit over a much younger boxer. Which doesn’t make sense when you realize a fan worked out that for the now iconic montage sequence in Rocky II, where Rocky runs through Philadelphia, the supposedly made-of-cast-iron boxer sprints for over 30 miles. By analyzing the landmarks shown during the montage a fan worked out that Rocky punch-sprints his way through a marathon and a half, across uneven ground, and still possesses enough energy at the end to sprint up a giant flight of stairs.

This isn’t just unbelievable, it also means that not only is Rocky a world-class boxer with near unrivaled stamina and ability to take a blow, but one of the finest long distance runners to have ever lived… and it’s never mentioned in the movie. Meaning either Rocky had no idea being able to sprint 30 miles and then win a heavy-weight boxing match was a big deal, or more amusingly, that nobody in his universe think it’s impressive. The latter of which is more likely, because for the entire montage Rocky is followed nearly the entire way by a large crowd who run the exact same distance, meaning Rocky’s fictional Philadelphia is filled with random people who can sprint 30 miles like it’s no big deal.

9. The Walking Dead – 99.9998% of the World is Dead

the-walking-dead

According to the creator of The Walking Dead, Robert Kirkman, the universe the characters inhabit, prior to being overrun with shambolic reanimated corpses, was identical to our own save for the fact it didn’t contain any zombie related media. This is why no character on the show ever uses the term “zombie” in any comic or episode.

This is important, because it’s one of the only real clues Kirkman has ever given about the world of TWD, leaving most everything else about it (including the source of the outbreak and even the date it occured) a mystery. This irked some fans, who decided to use what little information the comics and show reveal to work out exactly how many people the show’s zombie apocalypse killed.

One fan in particular, Matt Lieberman, scoured TWD media. Through searching the background of shots with calendars, and noting clothing styles and technology used by the characters, he discovered that the zombie outbreak likely occurred sometime in January 2012. By taking the global population from this time, and a quote from Kirkman saying zombies outnumbers humans “5000 to 1” when the outbreak went global, he was able to discern that only 1.4 million people survived the initial outbreak globally. When you take into account the fact 70% of the characters in TWD die during the series in a country filled with guns, Lieberman additionally calculated that if you extrapolate these figures globally, by the start of seventh season, only about 400,000 people are still alive. That’s roughly 0.0002% of the world’s population.

8. Chandler Bing is Obscenely Wealthy

chandler

There’s a running joke in Friends where nobody is quite sure what the character Chandler Bing does for a living. He clearly works an office job of some kind, and it obviously makes him quite a bit of money, seeing as how he lives in a big-ass New York apartment, pays for his extravagant wedding with his savings, and loans his friend Joey $120,000. Wait, what?

Throughout the series, Chandler lends his roommate Joey a lot of money as well as paying his share of the rent on their apartment for three years. This is clearly established and commented upon in several episodes. In one episode, Joey insists on paying this money back. Chandler works out the rough amount, writes it on a piece of paper and hands it Joey, who sees the figure and immediately backs down.

A Reddit user, curious about what this figure was, calculated the square footage on Chandler’s apartment for the average rent, along with the minimum cost of the other things he buys for Joey like professional headshots and elocution lessons. The minimum figure they come up with for this is $120,760. Remember, this is money Chandler basically gives away to a down-on-his-luck friend who never pays it back in just over three years. That’s approximately $40,000 per year the Chan Man gives away like it’s nothing, meaning he’s presumably earning at least 5 times that. Then again, it’s no wonder he doesn’t seem to mind, considering that another fan worked out that…

7. Every Character in Friends has a Ton of Sex

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The average number of sexual partners a person will have in their lifetime is a figure that’s difficult to pin down, with various sources claiming that the number can be anywhere between 4 and 8 for women and 7 and 11 for men. This said, most sources agree that around 10 is a safe estimate for most of the population over their lifetime. Every character in Friends blows this figure out of the water.

Between the group of six, a Reddit user (it’s always a Reddit user who calculates this stuff) figured that they have approximately 138 combined, different sexual partners. That’s more than 20 each, doubling the top end of the national average. While Joey and Phoebe make up the bulk of this data, accounting for 51 and 32 occasions of being joined at the hip, respectively, even Chandler – a character who is married for five seasons – still manages to have sex with 11 partners.

Ross, on the other hand, a total jerk who treats women like crap, manages to convince 14 women to do the horizontal hug with him. Just think about that for a second. In theFriends universe, Ross has convinced more people to have sex with him in four years than 90% of people reading this will in their entire life.

6. Harry Potter Couldn’t Afford a London Flat with his Vault Full of Gold

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Throughout the Harry Potter series, a rarely mentioned plot point is that the eponymous Harry has a giant vault filled to the brim with big gold coins. Despite having enough cheddar to fund endless magical cocaine and hooker parties, Potter never once decides to use the money to splurge and buy magical supplies that could help defeat wizard Hitler. This may have something to do with the fact that in reality, Harry barely has enough money to afford a crappy 1-bedroom flat.

 You see, although the Galleons in Harry Potter are described as being made of gold, according to JK Rowling they’re only worth about $7 each. A fan took this information, as well as a screenshot from the first film showing the vault (the films were all overseen by Rowling herself), to work out roughly how much money the boy wizard actually inherited from his parents. The answer? About a quarter of million pounds.

This sounds like a lot until you realize that in the UK, this amount of money would barely be enough for Harry to buy himself a half decent London flat. If you’re thinking “maybe the money is worth more in the wizarding world so he’s probably still considered fairly rich,” remember that in the books Harry notes that even if he emptied his entire vault, it still wouldn’t be enough to buy a Firebolt, which could be likened to the wizarding world equivalent of a fancy sports car.

So in other words, Harry, the savior of the wizard race, barely had enough money to buy himself a second hand Ferrari after killing wizard Hitler and watching the only living relative he liked die.

And hey, speaking of fictional net worth…

5. The Simpsons Live Better Than You

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For most of the show’s run, the Simpson family has been portrayed as an average lower-middle class American family. Numerous jokes are made in various episodes that the family is, if not poor, at the very least struggling financially most of the time, with Marge once claiming to feed the entire Simpson family on 12 dollars a week. Which is unusual, seeing as Homer earns a fairly decent wage and the house they live in is massive.

The average wage of a nuclear safety technician (Homer’s job for most episodes) is about $82,000, or about $30,000 more than the average American family earns. Which, among other things, explains how the family has basically trekked the entire globe during the series. However, the most ridiculous thing the Simpsons own is their house.

Again, the Simpson home is often shown as being in a state of poor repair, but even so, it’s almost big enough to be considered a mini-mansion. The house contains at least four bedrooms, several bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining room, a living room, a rumpus room, a sitting room, a sauna, and enough lawn space to build an Olympic sized tennis court.

The house has variously estimated to be worth, $300,000, double that of the average American home with at least 3 times as much space.

4. Jim from The Office Wastes Most People’s Savings Being an Awful Colleague

While the American version of The Office has been praised by critics and fans for many reasons over the years, arguably one of the show’s most popular elements is the relationship between the characters Jim Halpert (played by John Krasinski) and Dwight Schrute (played by Rainn Wilson).

Most of the character’s interactions revolve around the various pranks played by Jim, which vary in the scope and complexity from simple pranks involving putting his stapler in some Jello, to learning morse code.

A Reddit user (we told you) decided to calculate just how much money Jim wasted basically being an ass to his co-worker and found that, at minimum, he invested $5,000 of his hard earned money playing pranks on a guy he claims not to like. This is 5 times more than most Americans have in their savings account, and Jim pissed it away on making one of his co-worker’s lives just a little bit more difficult for his own amusement. Which, when put that way, makes Jim seem like a bit of a tool.

3. Movies have Spent Billions Rescuing Matt Damon

This entry’s a little different from the other in that it takes into account information from different movies, all of which involve Matt Damon. Specifically, movies involving Matt Damon being rescued from some kind of danger or peril, such as Saving Private Ryan and The Martian.

According to a Quora user with either too much time on their hands or a huge Matt Damon man-crush, within the confines of the fictional universes of Damon’s movies, an estimated $900 billion has been spent rescuing his dumb ass. In our world, this equates to $729 million worth of movie budgets on the various films he’s appeared in that have been spent exclusively on rescuing him from some kind of danger.

2. Walter White Makes $5 Per Second

Exactly how much money Walter White makes while he’s breaking all that bad is never actually fully established in the show. Even the character admits that after a certain point, he simply stopped counting. Fans, however, have worked out from that episode with the giant money pile, and Walt’s own comments to other characters, that he earned about $80 million in two years.

An enterprising Reddit user (we really weren’t kidding) went right ahead and used that impressive figure to calculate how much Heisenberg earned per hour. The final figure they came up with was about $5,000 an hour, every hour, for two years straight. Or $5 per second.

But here’s the thing: seeing as for most of the show, White was basically doing regular shifts making his meth, it’s possible to work out how much more he earned than an average person. Assuming Walt was working the average amount for an American man, which is apparently 34 hours per week, Walt was earning about $23,000 an hour. Taking into account the average American wage ($24 per hour according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics), Walter White earned 95,000% more than the average American per hour. Not a bad paycheck, all things considered.

1. Someone Figured Out the Main Character of Game of Thrones with Math

What sets Game of Thrones apart from other shows is that it doesn’t really have a main character, instead following the stories of multiple characters of seemingly equal importance who can be killed off at any point.

This didn’t sit well with a math nerd named Andrew J. Beveridge, who used a mathematical formula usually reserved for studying terrorist cells to map out every relationship in the entire series to determine who the most mathematically important character was. By carefully analyzing every interaction between characters in the books, Beveridge was able to accurately pin down which one was the most important to the overall progress of the plot by their connections to other characters, the result? It’s Tyrion, the wine-drinking (P)imp with a silver tongue.

Meaning yes, it has been proved with math that Peter Dinklage is awesome.


TV and Movie Fact-Check

WIF Edu-tainment-001

– WIF Edu-tainment

Air Force One Fun Facts

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Things You Probably

Didn’t Know About

Air Force One

air-force-one

Air Force One, a.k.a. that enormous plane that carts the president around, is one of the most enduring symbols of American power. To this end, the planes carrying the Air Force One designation are filled to the brim with bleeding edge technology and a bunch of other cool stuff we’re going to talk about… well, right now. For example, did you know…

 10. There are Massive Rolls of Carpet for it Lying Around Somewhere

most of the things aboard Air Force One come fitted as standard, like bulletproof windows and, we presume, high-tech anti-ninja technology, the President and his spouse have some control over what the interior of the plane looks like so it better suits their tastes. Much like a fancy car, the President, or more specifically the First Lady, can choose the color of the interior of the plane. To this end, they can make it as pimp or spartan as they like.

This, coupled with the fact the plane is specially equipped with the ability to communicate via everything from morse code to email, and can fly thousands of feet higher than even most military planes, means it could theoretically stay aloft, beaming down freedom, forever. In reality the plane could probably only stay aloft for a few months before it needed to stop for food (in a pinch even this could be delivered in mid-air), which is probably a good thing considering…

9. It Can Fly Forever

In the event these systems all fail, Air Force One is built sturdy enough to weather an undisclosed number of direct missile hits and could probably smash into the ground at Mach 3 and still not kill anyone aboard. Not that you’d ever get anywhere near the plane, given that it can fly in the upper stratosphere and secretly call on supersonic jets to aid it over any allied country. Even if you managed to do enough damage to hurt the President, he’d probably be fine, because it can stay in the air forever.

8. Everybody Aboard is a Picky Eater

Like with everything else, no expense is spared when it comes to the kitchen aboard Air Force One and prior to a flight, secret service agents will painstakingly seek out and purchase the freshest, highest-quality ingredients one at a time from nearby stores to minimize the risk of the President being poisoned.

The gourmet chefs working aboard Air Force One are said to be able to cook virtually any foodstuff known, are trained in virtually all culinary disciplines, and have access to every kind of cooking implement possible (except a deep fat fryer, for safety reasons). This is an issue because the most popular foodstuff aboard is burger and fries. Yes, despite Air Force One being basically a flying 5-star restaurant, most people aboard, including the President, normally just order burgers and sandwiches.

While the food has gotten healthier, mostly thanks to the efforts of First Lady Michelle Obama, it’s noted that journalists still mostly opt for sandwiches, coffee and soda, with the kitchen going as far as stocking peanut butter for especially picky eaters who don’t want to eat any of the fancier fare Air Force One’s chefs can cook up. While officially Air Force One does serve balanced meals, anecdotally most people just eat junk food, partly because everyone except the President is charged for their meal, with the exception of a free bag of M&M’s every person aboard is given after a flight.

Not that the President is immune from encountering food they don’t like. For example, George H.W. Bush is said to have literally ordered that brocoli be banned from Air Force One because he hated it that much, once stating: “I do not like broccoli, and I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m president of the United States, and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.”

7. They Destroy Everything that Doesn’t Work

As a symbol of the American presidency, most everything aboard Air Force One is fittingly adorned with either the presidential seal, the current sitting president’s initials, or both. On top of this, every item aboard is polished, cleaned and meticulously maintained to avoid the embarrassment of a foreign leader or diplomat being given a chipped mug to drink out of, or a journalist tweeting a picture of a dirty towel. You know, stuff that would make the President and, by extension, America look bad.

To deter thieves, extensive checks are carried out on everyone leaving Air Force One and you can be sure anyone selling an official Air Force One toilet roll holder on eBay would be soundly detained and questioned by the FBI. As an added measure, anytime anything stops working on Air Force One or becomes unacceptably damaged or dirty, it is quickly removed, pulverised into dust and then burnt. An extreme measure we’ll admit but one that ensures the air of mystique about the impossibly high-standards aboard Air Force One is maintained. Hey, speaking of that…

6. Every Member of the Staff Could Kick Your Ass

 Like any plane, Air Force One has flight attendants and other staff who perform basic custodial duties aboard the plane, like telling you where the emergency exit is and handing out little bags of peanuts. Unlike a regular plane, these staff members are all highly trained military personnel with spotless records, who are carefully screened and subsequently trained to handle nearly any conceivable emergency. As a result, every member of the crew aboard Air Force One is well versed in emergency survival techniques, weapons handling, and generally messing up your day.

In other words, every member of staff aboard Air Force One, from the pilot to the guy who cleans the toilet, could snap your neck with a rolled up newspaper or beat you to death with a shoe without breaking a sweat. Essentially, while flying through the air in his big plane, the President is surrounded by an entourage of highly capable killing machines who also just so happen to be able to make a mean margarita or whip up a steak on the presidential grill. As if this wasn’t enough, when he takes off he is also…

5. Being Watched by a Special Team of Snipers

The President is an important dude, and spends much of his time being flanked, shadowed and watched over by an elite team of bodyguards versed in 80 plus ways to obliterate a human testicle at 80 yards, with their eyebrows. Specifically, whenever the Commander-in-Chief is about to board Air Force One, though, he is also being protected by a special team of sharpshooters armed with 50 caliber sniper rifles. Why 50 caliber? So that in case someone tries to hijack the plane, they can shoot through the normally bulletproof windows and decorate the cockpit with the part of their brain that thought hijacking Air Force One was a good idea.

These snipers are amongst the best, if not the best the US has at its disposal, and are said to be able to hit a target the size of a dog’s butthole from a half mile away. Their identity is obviously a secret, and they’re additionally used to protect the President during speeches and possibly while he checks his mail. And while we’re on the subject of secrets…

4. Who Made the Toilet is a Big Secret

As noted, everything aboard Air Force One is (usually custom) made to the highest possible standard of quality, using the finest available materials. Now, you’d think any company making a product that was being used aboard freaking Air Force One would boast about that fact because, well, why they hell wouldn’t you? As it turns out though, no company involved with manufacturing anything involved with the plane is permitted to advertise that fact, mostly due to it being a possible security risk, and partly because it’s kind of tacky. This means that we have literally no idea who made the toilet, or indeed any item aboard Air Force One.

The government is such a stickler for this that it sent a very stern letter to the company that manufactured the oxygen masks aboard Air Force One after they advertised that fact in a magazine in 2001. This is a shame for the companies who do make the items aboard Air Force One, because along with being associated with the presidency, they would also get to advertise their products fly…

3. On a Nuclear Bomb-Proof Plane

Like the staff, Air Force One is prepared for virtually any possible emergency scenario and is equipped to deal with nearly any potential threat, from a rogue jet firing sidewinder missiles at it, to a nuclear explosion. Along with being immune to the effects of an EMP blast, such as one produced by an exploding nuclear warhead, Air Force One is shielded against conventional damage in the form of bulletproof plating and flares to deter heat seeking missiles.

 But here’s the best part: after the First Lady or President picks out a particular style of carpet or type of soft furnishing they want to decorate the plane with, some hapless sap from the Secret Service has to go get a special fire-retardant version specially made, because regular carpet is seldom thermite proof. Because everything aboard Air Force One has to be spotless, this carpet is replaced frequently, leading to a massive stockpile of it being kept in a secret location in case someone spills beer all over the floor or something.

 2. There’s a Special Fridge Full of Blood on Board

The full specs of Air Force One have never been disclosed but we do know that it has a fully stocked medical bay staffed by seasoned medical professionals. So prepared is this medical bay that it carries, at all times, an emergency supply of blood, drugs and vaccines for most known diseases, poisons and illnesses and is specially stabilized so that doctors aboard could give someone open heart surgery during an emergency take off. You know, if they really had to.

Even better, if they had to, all the potential assassin would see is a fiery ball of freedom ascending to the heavens because…

1. Air Force One is Polished to a Mirror Sheen

The extreme efforts the government goes to in maintaining Air Force One can be no better summed up than by the exterior of the plane itself, which is said to be polished to such an offensively bright mirror sheen, you can use it to make sure your hair is suitably on point.

 Though it’s likely few people reading this will ever get all that close to Air Force One, people who have are often shocked by just how perfectly clean and shiny the exterior of the craft is, with some noting that workers sometimes wear sunglasses while polishing, buffing and otherwise maintaining it. Are there more interesting facts about Air Force One? Probably, but we think the fact that the plane is maintained to such an extent it could potentially blind foreign leaders with sheer bling is a pretty strong note to end on.

Air Force One

Fun Facts

THE RETURN TRIP – Episode 60

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THE RETURN TRIP – Episode 60

…No Tom Hanks that I can see. This isn’t Gilligan’s Island. Robinson Crusoe is long gone and we don’t have enough food to invite the Martians over to dinner…

Castaway by 88grzes deviantart.com

Castaway by 88grzes deviantart.com

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In the moments following that breathtaking {not in a good way} flash of light high above the Martian atmosphere, several seconds elapsed before the ominous explosion could be felt. It was as thunderous as any blastoff of an old Atlas rocket.

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Tree Blowing In The Wind by Janell R Colburn

If the cornea singeing light and the eardrum piercing sound were not enough, the shock wave that swept down to the surface got Tycho to rockin’ as if it were a 150 yr. old oak tree in a tornado. Sampson had all he could handle in stabilizing the lander during the 20 second maelstrom.

Even after these unpredictable twist and turns, light and darks, the real scope of their predicament does not sink in until after the dust settles. It is Celeste who verbalizes the obvious, “My dear God Sam, we are castaways!”

During those ensuing minutes, Sampson was giving pause to that very topic. “Yeah shit happens,” he is ultimately logical and is sifting through the best path to survival. “We can’t leave the surface, we’d waste fuel, we cannot produce enough gain to get a decent signal out past Deimos and we have to conserve oxygen for life-support.; other than that we’ve got it made.”

No Tom Hanks that I can see. This isn’t Gilligan’s Island. Robinson Crusoe is long gone and we don’t have enough food to invite the Martians over to dinner.” He assembles movie humor in the face of unspeakable despair.

“Ancient pop culture will not help our options……. which are?”

“If I know Crip, he has the Mayflower on the pad, ready to go and if he is on top of things, he will give that buggy a boost….I left him with some propulsion improvements to work on, while we were out here in the peace of deep space.”

“How long do we have and when can they get here?”

“We should be able to hold out for a month or two. Fortunately we grabbed that extra fuel and food meant for those amateur lab-rats… I mean colonists of Mars City. I believe the New Mayflower can get here days before we have to go out and forage for food. And surprisingly, we can manufacture enough water and oxygen with what we have to work with outside our door.”martianpotatoes

“I knew I should have packed more Mark Watney Potatoes for a longer stay.”

“The way down was slick, it’s the return trip that will be the bitch.”


THE RETURN TRIP

Episode 60


 

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Lost Film Library – WIF @ The Movies

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Lost Films

They Should Find

With our world of ubiquitous digital storage and our ability to have, like, 150 Skyrim saves, it’s hard to believe it’s possible to lose something like a film. Alas, thanks to a multitude of factors (such as inadequate record keeping and people plain old not giving a crap), hundreds – if not thousands – of films from the halcyon days of cinema have been lost. Here are 10 that we think they should focus on trying to find first.

  Note: Given that many of these films quite literally no longer exist, plot details for some are sparse, but we’ve included as much information as we can.

10. The Unlicensed Batman Movie, Where he Fights Dracula: Batman Fights Dracula

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Over the years, hundreds of unlicensed of Batman products have been made without the permission of DC. Including, if you’re so inclined, the worst porno movie ever made, which is also, funnily enough, a lost film.

Since we like to keep things PG though, we’re instead going to talk about Batman Fights Dracula,an unlicensed Batman film in which the Dark Knight fights the Prince of Darkness, in the Philippines. Little is known about the film’s plot, but come on – do you really need to know anything to want to see a Filipino stuntman, dressed as Batman, punch a guy in Dracula cape?

All we have left from the film is a poster, which is frankly amazing. It shows Batman in a kung fu pose, squaring off against Dracula, who is apparently in the middle of kidnapping someone. From the poster it’s also clear that the film starred Batman’s kid sidekick, Robin, in some capacity – something we can tell from the large R on his costume. For some reason Batman, instead of having a large bat on his chest, has a silhouette of a man dunking a basketball. Something we assume was probably explained during the film, hopefully in a choreographed dance number.

9. The First Ever Voiced Anime: Chikara to Onna no Yo no Naka

anime

Anime is a lot like vaping, in that it’s incredibly popular among a diverse group of people, but diehard fans who take it too seriously insist that it’s a niche interest. Even if you’re not a big fan of anime, something cool from your childhood – whether it’s the Power Rangers or Tekken 2 – owes some part of its existence to this genre of media.

Which is why it’s odd that what many consider to be the first example of anime featuring voiceover work is said to no longer exist, in any known form. Created in 1933, Chikare to Onna no Yo no Naka, or The World of Power and Women, follows the story of a man who cheats on his wife with his secretary. We’d say more about the story, but that’s literally all the information about it we have. Also it’s giving us flashbacks to our childhoods so we think it’s best to move on and talk about something less depressing. Like giant monster movies…

8. The Japanese Period Drama Starring King Kong: King Kong Appears in Edo

kong-edo

Godzilla is considered a seminal work of Japanese cinema and is credited with being the genesis of the kaiju (giant monster) genre. Think the kind of movies Pacific Rim was an homage to. Weirdly though, there was a Japanese film starring a giant monster released nearly two decades before Godzilla starring the other OG of the giant monster world, King Kong, that has since been lost.

Released in 1938 and supposedly inspired by the success of the 1933’s King Kong, King Kong Appears in Edo is an unusual movie in that nobody is quite sure if the ape in the film is actually a giant or not (it appears giant in posters, but people who watched the movie don’t remember it being that big). What we do know is that, unlike Godzilla, which was a horror movie espousing the horrors and destructive power of nuclear weapons, this film was a period drama, that also just so happened to feature a giant rampaging gorilla as the title character. If you’re not saddened by the fact you will never see this movie, we think they sell senses of childlike wonder on eBay.

7. One of the Best Spy Dramas Ever Made: Squadron Leader X

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Recently there’s been a backlash of sorts against the glut of CGI-filled movies dominating the box office every summer. There has been a renewed appreciation for good old fashioned practical effects. Few people realize, though, just how old fashioned practical effects are. For example, consider the film Squadron Leader X, a 1943 spy thriller that features actual stunts and aerial dog-fights performed by actual members of the British Air Force during war time.Meaning the planes featured in this movie were real Allied planes, that had taken part in actualdog fights with the Axis, that the director somehow convinced to take part in pretend dog fights, for fun.

Contemporary reviews from the time called the film’s action scenes “among the most actionful and breath-taking ever screened” and we guess we’ll have to take their word for it, because no footage of them has survived.

6. The Gay Porno Starring Jesus: HIM

him

Okay so we kind of lied about wanting to keep things PG. But this one is too weird to not mention. Weird because the film was deemed so offensively unerotic that people genuinely don’t believe it ever existed. What little we know about the plot says that it focuses on a young man who becomes sexually fixated with Jesus. Which is, well…really weird. But hey, who are we to judge the kind of things people find sexy?

However, some people do feel like they have the right to judge, and there has been a genuine effort made to find this movie to prove it doesn’t exist, which seems kind of backwards to us. But everyone needs a hobby, we guess. So if you feel like you’re wasting time reading this article, remember there are people out there searching for a movie from the ’70s where Jesus does the horizontal hug with his fellow man.

5. Another Film About a Man in a Gorilla Costume Terrorizing Japan:Wasei Kingu Kongu

kingu

We know what you’re thinking: we already did this entry, right? Well as it turns out, Japan was way more into King Kong than we ever realized. Released in 1933 (the same year as King Kong), Wasei Kingu Kongu (that’s the actual title) follows the adventures of a young man called Santa (that’s his actual name) who, inspired by the film King Kong, dons a gorilla costume and takes part in a stage show to earn money to impress a girl he likes.

However, while performing in the show Santa sees the girl he likes sitting in the audience with a boyfriend and, overcome with rage, begins rampaging around Tokyo while still wearing the gorilla costume. Tokyo police, thinking Santa is a real gorilla (he’s apparently a very good actor), give chase. Showing remarkable mental aptitude for a guy who thought “gorilla costume” was the way to woo a girl, Santa gorilla slaps his paramour’s new boyfriend, steals his wallet, and then puts the gorilla costume on him so he gets arrested instead.

Santa then uses the boyfriend’s own money to marry the girl of his dreams in what we suspect is the most baller move ever committed to film. While there’s no confirmation about what happened to the film, our working theory is that it’s still frozen solid somewhere because of how cool that ending is.

4. The Disney Movie, Before Disney: Le avventure di Pinocchio

pinocchio

It says a lot about Disney as a company that they’re so powerful, folk stories that have existed for centuries – and in some cases, millennia – belong to them, because nobody would be willing to face down their legal department to make a Snow White or Pinocchio movie. Curiously, Disney as we know it today may never have existed if not for one Italian company abandoning – ironically – a Pinocchio movie.

That company was Cartoni Animati Italiani Roma (a company so dead it doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page), who in 1936 were this close to releasing the first animated film ever made. The film would have basically been a retelling of the 1882 children’s story, The Adventures of Pinocchio, and would have beaten Disney to the punch of making the first animated film by an entire year. Budget concerns saw the entire film being canned before release, leaving behind over a hundred thousand drawings, and thousands of feet of film that has since disappeared like a fart in a wind tunnel.

Given that Snow White has grossed nearly half a billion dollars individually, and helped turn Disney into the corporate behemoth it is today, it’s easy to imagine what this film could have done for CAIR’s fortunes. Instead, the company imploded. Everyone involved lost their jobs, and Walt Disney went right ahead and bought the rights to the book and released his own version of the film a few years later just to rub it in.

3. The Bruce Lee Movie Where He Straight Up Murders People: The Big Boss, Original Mandarin Cut

big-boss

It’s no secret that we love us some Bruce Lee here at TopTenz. Which is why we’re all kinds of annoyed that there is a film starring our main man that we’ll never get to see. The Big Boss was the film that first catapulted Bruce Lee to fame, but as we’ve mentioned before, there’s a bunch of stuff cut from that movie including scenes of Bruce Lee killing people with gardening implements, and having sex with prostitutes.

As far as film buffs can tell, the only version of the movie with all that good stuff left in was the original 1971 Mandarin cut that has since disappeared. The content was apparently so shocking that the film was heavily edited soon after the first showing, and was edited further in compliance with the various censorship boards of the numerous countries it was shipped to overseas. As a result, the original, true version of this movie – the version the director and Bruce Lee wanted us to see, the version with all the ’70s era violence and sex left in – doesn’t exist anymore, and we hate that.

2. The Colorized Version of the Best Movie Ever Made: Citizen Kane

kane-colorized

We’re not going to waste valuable digital ink fawning over Citizen Kane, because there are like 8,000 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes already doing that. The film is rightfully considered a cinematic masterpiece, though at the time it was crapped on because the guy it was parodying threw a big temper tantrum. Figures.

Sometime in ’80s there were plans afoot to have the film colorized for a modern audience. That was something director, writer and magnificent beard owner Orson Welles vehemently opposed, allegedly quipping “don’t let Ted Turner deface my movie with his crayons” shortly before his death. Welles was so aversed to the idea of colorizing the film that he even included stipulations in his will that the film never be shown in anything other than black and white. Which didn’t stop Ted Turner and his crayons from doing it anyway.

*Note to everyone reading: if there’s one ghost you don’t want to annoy, it’s Orson Welles’

Supposedly, only the film’s final reel was colorized. To date only a single minute of this footage has ever surfaced, in an obscure ’90s documentary aired by the BBC. Of course thanks to the wonders of the internet, you can watch that minute right here and see how awful it is for yourself. Hey, speaking of fetid turds…

1. The Original (Better) Copy of One of the Worst Films Ever: Foodfight!

food-fight

The title of “worst film ever made” is paradoxically one that is more contested than the title of best, with dozens of films vying for the place beneath the scum at the bottom of the barrel. IfFoodfight! isn’t the worst film ever made, it is certainly a worthy contender.

In a nutshell, Foodfight! is an animated film detailing the adventures of various brand mascots in a fictitious supermarket. If you’re having trouble picturing it, just imagine what that new Seth Rogen animated movie would look like if he sold out harder than a special edition iPhone. The film is considered one of the most pandering, blatant, and offensive examples of product placement ever seen and featured animation so poor it wouldn’t look out of place in a Sonic game. It also stars Charlie Sheen, Christopher Lloyd, and Hillary Duff, and cost $45 million dollars to make.

The film’s producers maintain that the version we got looks like it was slapped together at the last second because it was, and that there exists a better, earlier version of the movie, as evidenced by trailers that somehow have significantly better animation quality. Supposedly this god-tier version of the film was stolen in – get this – an act of “industrial espionage” and they were forced to remake the entire movie using old assets and no money.

Sadly, the ninja who stole the film has never released it or uploaded it to a filesharing website, presumably to save us from having our eyes and heads melt like those Nazis who looked directly into the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark.


 Lost Film Library

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– WIF @ The Movies

Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #314

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Alpha Omega M.D. – Episode #314

… “Damn right, Carolyn! Well actually, I did not know that, but when it came to the rights to Cinderella and of Peter Pan… $500,000 drunken dollars, probably parked next to their whiskey barrel.”…

cinderella-peter-pan-001

Disney holds out his silver cigarette case, as a deal-sealing gesture would look.

“I don’t smoke, thank you.” She pauses thoughtfully, continuing, “Don’t you think that all the smoke you inhale may have long term health effects?”

          “These?” he closes the case, “Clark Gable has been smoking since he was 15 and he isn’t slowing down. 60 damn movies and he lights it up in most of them. Beside that, my doctors say I’m as healthy as Prince Charming.”

“Ah, a Cinderella reference,” she comments, then adding a historical tidbit, “Did you know that Sircigarette-smoke James Matthew Barrie has relatives in Tallahassee?”

“Damn right, Carolyn! Well actually, I did not know that, but he, or rather, his family was a sticky wicket when it came to the rights to Cinderella. And of Peter Pan… $500,000 drunken dollars, probably parked next to their whiskey barrel.” His bitterness boiled to the surface, but settles down, “By all accounts, Barrie himself was a literary genius. Too bad we weren’t contemporaries.”

Lyn Ford nods, easily empathizing with collaboration and will abandon the smoking issue for the sake of consolation. But she does not jump up and down.

“I am Walt Disney, Carolyn!”  No ego here! “Am I chopped liver in your world?”

Not exactly, Walt, more like steak tartar.” She has not made up her mind.

“Oh yes, with a thick slice of Vidalia onion on top. But you seem to be dodging my proposal.” He is used to getting is way. As he will gladly tell you, ‘I am Walt “the man” Disney!

Lyn comes up with a solution. “How about we make a hand shake agreement to start an open-ended project? No hurry, no deadlines. You are in the full flower of your creative bloom.”

          Another massive cloud of smoke rises into the California air~~~~~~


Alpha Omega M.D.

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Episode #314


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