Foolish Puns #34

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Foolish Puns

If I think I’ve seen an idiot before, is that a case of deja fool.

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I believe I will be able to run my car on politicians promises but I’m having trouble with the fool injection system.

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When the King asked the fool for a joke the fool just shrugged. He was the court gesture.

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Of course you know about the self-taught comedian who made a fool of himself.

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Some foolish people gain by experience many perils of wisdom.

 

Foolish potters make wisecracks.

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My elderly aunt loves telling jokes while she knits. She is a real knitwit.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

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I’m a sap for tree jokes.

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If jokes could be owned like land, then no good pun would go undeeded.

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Byte-ing humor can be found reading jokes online.

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Foolish Puns #34

Pun Central

BS or Truth – WIF Confidential

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Facts That Sound

Like BS

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When you’ve been doing this job as long as we have, you get used to the idea that truth is stranger than fiction. History, science, art… they’re all full of factoids that seem implausible on the surface, but turn out to be true underneath. Still, there is a limit to this implausibility. It’s not like we’re going around claiming lightning magically gives you tattoos, or that you can survive jumping off the top of the Empire State Building, or that the Muppets were inspired by a porno, right?

 Wait, you mean that’s exactly what we’re about to do? And all of that is true? Yeesh…

10. Lightning Strikes Give You Sweet Tats

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Getting hit by a bolt of lightning is not fun. Aside from knowing that you’ve angered almighty Zeus, you suffer horrifying agony, terrible burns, and (possibly) a stopped heart. Oh, and you might just wind up getting a sweet-ass tattoo.

‘Lightning Flowers’ (also known, less-romantically, as ‘lightning trees’) are strange, fern-like, spiraling figures that can be flash-fried into your skin if a lightning bolt explodes nearby. Essentially burns that are caused by static electric traveling along the tiny blood vessels under the skin, they can last anywhere from a few hours to months and months. A type of Lichtenberg Figure, they’re weird, almost plant-like, and, to be honest, kinda cool.

See, unlike most burns, lightning flowers look intentional. The tiny little whorls, the way they radiate out from one central point… it all looks like some ink artist has spent hours agonizing over the design. Usually appearing on the arms, back, neck, chest or shoulders of lightning-strike victims, they might make you look like a tat-loving hippie, but they certainly don’t make you look like a burns victim.

They’re also useful. If paramedics bring your unconscious body in and the doctor sees your magic tat, he’s gonna know immediately that you need treating for a lightning strike.

9. The Muppets Song Mahna Mahna Came From a Porno

Even if you think you haven’t, you’ve heard Mahna Mahna. The song has appeared in everything. It was made stupendously famous by the Muppets in their 1976 TV premiere, having already featured on Sesame Street and the Ed Sullivan show years earlier (complete with Jim Henson puppets). So, where did this globe-striding, era-defining ditty come from? Err… a softcore Italian-Swedish porno.

The year was 1968, and Italian films were routinely flouting censors by filming softcore porn and dressing it up as ‘arthouse cinema’. In this instance, the titillating subject was ‘Scandinavian sexuality’, which gave the Italians plenty of excuses to include shots of hot Norwegian girls kissing, and even-hotter Danish girls posing as nude models. But the piece de resistance was a scene set in a Swedish sauna, in which a bevy of buxom blonds stripped off, giggling, for the camera. Composer Piero Umiliani was tasked with coming up with a catchy ditty for this mildly-erotic sauna centerpiece. He came up with Mahna Mahna.

The producers evidently knew he was onto something. The same year the porno came out, they released Mahna Mahna as a single. It got to 55 on the US Chart, caught the attention of Jim Henson, and the rest is (unlikely) history.

8. F1 Drivers Have Their Weight Monitored More than Catwalk Models

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Quick, what’s the most-restrictive profession where eating is concerned? Most of you probably said ‘catwalk models’, and it’s true that agencies routinely get their girls to starve themselves. Some of you also said ‘jockeys’, who often take diuretics to keep their weight down. Both professions are crazy-bad for weight watching. But there’s a less-likely profession that may be even worse: Formula One.

F1 racing is a scarily-precise science. Winners and losers are declared on fractions of a second, and cars are so streamlined that they carry absolutely no unnecessary weight. An extra 5 kilograms can wipe out 0.2 seconds on every lap; a horrendous setback in F1 terms. As a result, drivers are pressured to lose weight in order to compete. Over the last few years, this has gotten insane.

Drivers now have to be between 60-65 kilograms if they want to compete in the big leagues. In 2013, Jenson Button admitted that he has to starve himself, compete in triathlons, and avoid carbs like the plague to stay F1-ready. Others develop bulimia or anorexia. Some drivers have said they’re monitored and restricted even worse than catwalk models in what they can eat, despite eating disorders in F1 getting almost no airtime whatsoever.

7. Selling Sand to Arabs is a Lucrative Global Business

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“He could sell sand to the Arabs!” is one of those classic, slightly-racist expressions beloved by old, slightly-racist uncles the world over. Just like “he could sell snow to the Eskimos,” it uses a seemingly-unlikely situation to big up the persuasive powers of its subject. Although, in this particular case, its subject isn’t all that impressive. Selling sand to Arabic countries is a lucrative global business.

Australia, for example, shifts tons of the stuff to Dubai every year for construction projects. Germany recently signed a deal with Saudi Arabia to supply the Wahhabist Kingdom with sand. Altogether, the global market for sand is thought to be worth over $89 billion. There’s so much money in the stuff that mafia groups have moved in and started stripping tropical beaches under cover of night. And the Middle East is one of the biggest market drivers.

The trouble is that wind-blasted desert sand, such as that found in the Gulf, is too fine to be used in construction. So Gulf countries are forced to import the stuff; a lucrative market when those same countries are trying to outdo one another with insane construction projects.

6. Female Hurricanes Kill More People than Male Ones

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If we asked you to name a deadly hurricane, we’re betting most of you would have a female name pop into your head (likely Katrina or Audrey). There’s a good reason for that. ‘Female’ hurricanes are more-likely to kill people than ‘male’ hurricanes.

Since about 1979, hurricane names have alternated between female and male. However, even when hurricanes were exclusively female (1953-1979), how masculine or feminine their names were varied. In 2014, researchers at the University of Illinois crunched the data of all hurricanes to make landfall in the USA, separating them out into names that sounded masculine or feminine. They then divided them into hurricanes that hit populated areas, and those that didn’t.

 For non-destructive hurricanes that missed population centers, names made no difference. But for those that hit areas full of people, the results were staggering. The most ‘male-sounding’ hurricanes killed on average 11 people. The most ‘female-sounding’ hurricanes killed an average of 59.

The researchers theorized that this is because we’re all hilariously sexist. We tend to think women are unthreatening and less-powerful than men, so when we hear a female hurricane is coming, we kick back and refuse to evacuate. When a male one with a testosterone-fueled turns up, by contrast, we run for the hills.

5. Stayin’ Alive by the Bee Gees Can Literally Save Your Life

Oh, come on. This is getting ridiculous now. How could a 1970s disco song that just happens to be called Stayin’ Alive possibly help you, well, stay alive? We’re glad you asked. It turns out that this particular Bee Gees song averages 103 beats per minute. That’s pretty much exactly the rhythm you need to be hitting if you’re giving someone emergency CPR.

This isn’t us pointing out a wacky coincidence. Emergency medical courses (like, say, for lifeguards or whatever) frequently train their students using Stayin’ Alive. The American Heart Association (AHA) has official advice which says, in event of a heart attack (we kid you not) “call 9-1-1 and push hard and fast in the center of the chest to the beat of the classic disco song “Stayin’ Alive.”

The song was chosen because it hit the right beats, and also because it’s famous enough to be known to the general public. In countries where the Bee Gees are less-popular, songs such as the Beatles’ Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da are used instead.

4. A Woman Survived Jumping Off the 86th Floor of the Empire State Building

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Stepping off the top of the Empire State Building is pretty final. You plunge 86 stories onto hard, unforgiving concrete. That’s not something anybody survives… unless their name is Elvita Adams. In 1979, the Bronx resident decided to end it all. She took a ticket to the observation deck at the top of the Empire State building, climbed the security fence, and jumped. When she arrived at hospital, she was still alive.

If you’re wondering how the heck this is possible, we’ll end your suspense. Adams did jump off the Empire State, and she did go crashing down onto concrete. But the concrete in question wasn’t the sidewalk far below. After despairingly leaping out into the unknown, Adams was buffeted by a freak gust of wind. It just happened to be strong enough to blow her onto the ledge of the 85th floor, fracturing her hip. Before Adams could try jumping again, security guards had grabbed her and dragged her back inside.

Although no-one else has ever survived leaping off the Empire State Building, freaks of nature occasionally do save those plummeting from great heights. In 2007, a window cleaner plunged 47 stories and managed to survive thanks to pure luck.

3. Soccer Has Ended Multiple Wars (and caused one)

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Passions run high at soccer matches. Heck, Europeans consistently beat each other into comas while watching the sport. But could they run high enough to change the entire fate of a beleaguered nation? The answer is undoubtedly ‘yes’. In the past century, soccer has been the driving factor in ending three separate civil wars.

Two of those civil wars took place in the Ivory Coast. The first Ivorian Civil War lasted from 2002-2007, and killed nearly 2,000 people. The reason it stopped? The local soccer team qualified for the World Cup.

On the back of their qualifier win, the Ivory Coast soccer team dropped to their knees on live television, and begged the nation to put aside their differences. They then arranged for a qualifier for the African Cup to be held in a rebel-controlled city. This led to dialogue between the two sides, leading to a peace agreement. When the second civil war erupted in 2011, killing 3,000, soccer player Didier Drogba was instrumental in helping reach peace.

The third incident took place in Nigeria. In 1969, during the worst of the apocalyptic Biafran War, Pele brought his Brazilian club to the country to play the Nigerian national team. Both sides agreed a 3-day ceasefire to watch the match.

On the other hand, soccer has also directly caused at least one war. In 1969, El Salvador and Honduras faced each other in three grudge matches. Blood was so bad that the final 3-2 to El Salvador culminated in Salvadoran troops invading Honduras.

2. The Digit 1 Starts Most Significant Numbers

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Random numbers are the bane of the trivia aficionado. Go to a quiz, and you might be asked to guess the liters of wine Moldova produces, or the weight of each planet in the solar system, or he population figures for random counties in Louisiana, or whatever. By nature, these questions are designed to be impossible to answer. But if you want a head start, you should make sure your guesstimate begins with the digit 1. There’s about a 30% chance that any random, significant number will start with a 1.

Logic tells us that this is plainly nuts. The chances of 1 or 2 or 3 or so-on starting any randomly-selected longer number should equal around 11%. In practice, this doesn’t happen. After 1, the chances of a 2 starting the number are 18%, and so-on until 9, which has an infinitesimal chance of showing up. This means that you can go combing through any random set of significant data – baseball batting averages, the length of the world’s longest rivers, the number of McDonald’s in a certain area – and your figures will be significantly more-likely to start with a 1.

No-one knows why this should be, but it happens. It’s even got a name: Benford’s Law, and it has real-world purposes. People faking tax returns tend to insert too many figures from the mid-range (4,5,6), instead of figures starting with 1, giving their game away.

1. Cleopatra Existed Closer in Time to the First Pizza Hut than the Pyramids

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We all know the Pyramids are old. They were built around 2,500BC, over 1,000 years before Moses is thought to have lived. But few of us realize just quite how old they are. When Cleopatra was queen of Egypt, she was closer in time to the building of the first Pizza Hut than she was the first Pyramid.

Cleopatra reigned between 69-31 BC. The first Pizza Hut was built in 1958. That means the gap between Cleo and a great, big pile of disappointing pizza was 2,000 years. By contrast, the gap between the queen and her ancestors building the first pyramid was 2,450 years.

 Look at other comparatives, and this factoid just gets crazier. Julius Caesar (whose own namesake pizza chain, Little Caesar’s, was founded in 1959, in case you were wondering) famously got involved with Cleopatra, and probably spent some time admiring the Pyramids. At that point, the pyramids were to Caesar older than the oldest Roman ruins are to us now. Makes you think, huh?

BS or Truth

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– WIF Confidential

Sketch Comedy HOF – WIF TV

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Sketch Comedy TV Shows

Sketch comedy, however, (if it’s good) appeals to the comedy connoisseur. They’re for audiences who like their comedy served up a little rawer and with a little more mustard. Sitcoms are fine for a Tuesday when you feel like eating some meatloaf and going to bed early. Sketch comedy is comedy for Friday night, when you feel like going out and trying something different and elaborate. Something that someone created with sweat and tears. Something great. A sketch comedy show is where comedy reaches its peak. And these are the Ten Best Sketch Comedy shows that ever appeared on TV.

10. Human Giant

The difference between good sketch comedy and great sketch comedy often lies in a troupe’s ability to connect to whatever particular zeitgeist they find themselves in: Monty Python could only have ever happened in the late 60s in England and The Kids in The Hall were a product of Toronto in the late 80s. Of course, they have to transcend those limits to be great, but they also have to be a reflection of their times. Human Giant achieved this in the 2000s. Appearing on MTV (really the perfect place for them), Aziz Ansari, Rob Hubel, and Paul Scheer were the kings of the burgeoningInternet comedy trend. Basically a couple of guys get a camera and some editing software and shoot a funny video. Like other Internet groups, they were fresh, charmingly low-fi, and full of energy. Unlike most other Interent groups, they were really good. With their seemingly endless collection of self-important goofballs and witlessly confident jackasses, they gently skewered pop culture like exceptionally talented class clowns who managed to bluff their way on to a major network. They only made two seasons of Human Giant(Aziz Ansari is too busy conquering the world to make any more), but those two seasons were amazing. And very, very funny.

9. A Bit Of Fry And Laurie

Though it aired only briefly in the U.S. and its two stars are better known today as a prolific Twitterer (Stephen Fry) and a cantankerously brilliant TV doctor (Hugh Laurie), A Bit of Fry and Laurie deserves a place on any list of the greatest sketch comedy shows of all time. A brainy mix of sophisticated verbal jokes and sublime silliness, the show took a cerebral yet hilarious tour of the England of the middle 90s. With ridiculous character after ridiculous character, Fry and Laurie poked and mocked the country and its people with grace, élan, and the kind of charm that can only come with years and years of elite education. Both graduates of Cambridge, their humor was razor sharp and full of references to everything from classic works of literature to two-bit TV show hosts. The resulting comedy stew was a totally original blend of high and low culture, none of it safe from the piercing, but never bitter satireof the pair. The entire series was released on DVD’ also, several of the better sketches can be found on YouTube and definitely deserve to be checked out.

8. The Kids In The Hall

Despite initial comparisons to Monty Python (mostly because both groups spent just as much time in women’s clothes as they did in men’s), The Kids in the Hall quickly established themselves as one of the most original sketch comedy groups in history. While the more popular Saturday Night Live was leaning more and more heavily on running recurring characters as far into the ground as they could,The Kids in the Hall were creating masterful character based comedy firmly grounded in the everyday lives of normal people. Sure, they had their share of outlandish characters and catchphrases, but they were always planted in the most mundane and common situations.The Kids in the Hall was always best when it mined the endless struggles, inane and serious, of relationships, work, and life at the end of the 20th Century. A massive success in their native Canada,The Kids in the Hall remained a mostly cult phenomenon in the U.S. The show gave fans of smart original comedy some of the greatest and funniest characters ever created. A few examples: the Chicken Lady, Francesca Fiore, Bruno Puntz-Jones, Gavin, Simon and Hecubus. If you haven’t seen it, you have to. Right now.

7. Mr. Show with Bob And David

Started by two veteran comedians who happened to be the brightest lights of the fledging alternative comedy scene of the early 90s, Mr. Show With Bob and David started strong and got stronger. Anchored by Bob Odenkirk (a long-time SNL writer who came up with Conan O’Brian and Robert Smigel) and David Cross (a hilariousfunny and original stand-up from Boston), Mr. Show quickly built a cult following with its top notch material and incredible performances. Since there were two guys running the show instead of a troupe, Mr. Show had a confident, consistent voice. From the first episode to the final season, Bob and David knew exactly the kind of show they wanted to make, and maybe more importantly, exactly the kind of show they didn’t want. Sickened by the calcified, institutionally lazy atmosphere they found at SNL, Bob and David wanted to make a comedy show that served the comedy, not the raging egos of its stars. They gave audiences original, daring material that was unlike anything else on TV. They brought the funny sure, but with their dedication to originality and staunch refusal to go for the easy joke, it was comedy you could believe in, too.

6. The Carol Burnett Show

Many of the troupes on their list gained their notoriety by being expert satirists as well as amazing comedians. But great sketch comedy doesn’t have to come from a group of talented kids looking to change the world and reinvent the comedy wheel. Sometimes all it takes is a group of very funny professionals to put together a funny show. Take for example The Carol Burnett Show. Running for 11 seasons (288 episodes!) on CBS, it had no other agenda than to make people laugh. Anchored by incredibly charming and down-to-earth Carol Burnett, and featuring one of the greatest (if not the simply the best ever) comedy duos in history in Tim Conway and Harvey Korman, it produced year after year of funny material. But what really drew audiences back week after week was how much funthe cast seemed to be having. Ask anyone who has watched the show what their favourite sketch was, and they’d probably say any one where Conway and Korman cracked each other up. Sure, it could be corny and sentimental at times, but The Carol Burnett Showproved that “family entertainment” doesn’t have to be dumb entertainment. And for that it more than deserves its place on this list as one of the best loved TV shows of all time.

5. Chappelle’s Show

It isn’t by accident that most of the great sketch comedy shows are the products of a comedy troupe. Writing and performing even a bad show takes hours and hours of work. Trying to put together a great show takes that much more. Even if it were an average show, you’d still have to admire the work Dave Chappelle put into his brief but memorable Chappelle’s Show– but it was anything but average. Built upon the well-honed stand up of Dave Chappelle’s earlier career, Chappelle’s Show was a controversial mix of race, drugs, sex, and everything else on the star’s mind. A singular vision, it presented Chappelle’s unique take on the powder kegs of modern life. Watching Chappelle’s Show is like taking a tour of modern America through the eyes of one guy. A ridiculously talented, balls-out hilarious guy. That persistent voice and sense of humor makes it unique on this list and in the sketch comedy world. Here was one guy pouring out his mind and thoughts in the funniest way he could. Is it any wonder he burned out after two seasons? He worked way too hard to give us one of the best sketch shows there ever was.

4. Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

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Definitely the strangest show on this list and possibly the strangest show to ever air on television, Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!is supremely weird. The sketches are surreal and at times disturbing, the supporting cast is a mix of famous comedians and bizarrely untalented non-actors, and the whole thing is presented with production values that would embarrass the cheapest public access show. This deliberate strangeness might make for a uniquely terrible viewing experience except for one thing. It’s absolutely original and absolutely hilarious. With Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim have managed the rare feat of creating something simultaneously odd, unsettling, and incredibly funny. Anybody can do weird for weird’s sake, but Tim and Eric do it in such a unique, funny way that you can’t help but watch. Sitting down to the average episode is like watching a traffic accident. Except there are clowns there. And John C. Reilly in a wig. You can’t look away and you can’t stop laughing.

3. Saturday Night Live

It may be everyone’s favourite thing to hate these days, but no matter how many more substandard seasons they let it run, nothing can diminish the electricity and pure comedic energy of the first few seasons of Saturday Night Live. Coming out of the improvisation tradition created by The Second City (a movement that continues to be a major source of American comedy talent), SNL combined a murderer’s row of talent and a youthful fearlessness that pushed at the confines and strictures of what TV comedy could be. The Not Ready For Primetime Players (the nickname John Belushi, Dan Akroyd, Gilda Radner, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtain, Garret Morris, and Lorraine Newman gave themselves) may have started as a bit of self-deprecation, but it became just the opposite. They were too good for primetime. Too smart, too hip, and way too cool for TV. They made staying home on Saturday night what the cool people did- to not watch SNL was to be out of touch and left out of the cultural discussion. Like Monty Python, they were comedy rock stars who instantly became household names. At least for anyone in the house under 25. Even after 35 years and through the light of the some great and many terrible seasons since, those first four years stand as one of the best moments in American comedy history.

2. SCTV

The second of the two great sketch comedy shows to come out of the Second City improv tradition, SCTV was Saturday Night Live’s quieter, slightly more clever brother. Filmed in the relative obscurity of Toronto (compared to SNL’s New York City home, the media capital of the world) SCTV never became a cultural institution like its more famous cousin, it just became an incredible groundbreaking show. Founded on the genius premise that every sketch and parody was actually airing on a terrible local TV station, SCTV skewered every trend, genre, and celebrity that called TV home in the 70s and 80s. Even better, the conceit that they were a TV station allowed them to go behind the scenes and create a cast of rich, totally unique characters. From sleazy station owner Guy Caballero, hacky comedian Bobby Bittman, kiddie horror host Count Floyd, scuzzball host Johnny Larue to dozens of others, SCTV created an entirely realized world around the usual fare of parodies and impressions. This devotion to building characters, along with a cast that included comedy giants like John Candy, Martin Short, Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin, Rick Moranis, Catherine O’Hara, Dave Thomas, and Joe Flaherty among others made SCTV a show that rewarded loyal viewers. Their recurring characters were actual characters, not just catchphrases or silly costumes.

1. Monty Python’s Flying Circus

Sketch comedy existed before Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Michael Palin, and Terry Gilliam started Monty Python’s Flying Circus, but they made it an art form. With their brilliant satire, absurd yet instantly recognizable characters, and almost preternatural understanding of the tropes and tricks of television they created an entirely new form of comedy. Drawing on the social and cultural change around them yet maintaining enough distance to properly mock it, they made traditional comedy that was thoroughly modern. They were Oxford and Cambridge educated men who could riff on classical philosophy and Spam in the same episode. They were smart, stupid, clever and ridiculous all at the same time. It’s not without accident that they became comedy megastars and the acknowledged masters of the genre. Other groups have come and gone, some of them incredibly funny. But there will always only ever be one Monty Python. And they will always be the best sketch comedy group of all time.

Sketch Comedy HOF

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– WIF TV

The Earth is Flat – WIF Mad Science

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Reasons to Believe

That the Earth is Flat

with the help of contributor 

According to the esteemed font of scholarly knowledge known as,Wikipedia, the Earth is an oblate spheroid. However, according to the Flat Earth Society who have the word “Earth” right there in their name, the Globe is actually a big flat disk, gravity is a lie and NASA is the most powerful commercial entity on Earth, which we think sounds a lot more likely than all of that “science” crap they taught us about in physics class.

That’s why we’ve decided to list the 10 most convincing reasons that the Earth might actually be shaped like a pancake.

(In case anyone was wondering, I’m being super sarcastic.)

10. You’re part of an exclusive club

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When you’re one of the sheep who believes that the Earth is shaped like a slightly overweight basketball instead of a kick-ass UFO or mountain covered Frisbee, you’re one of 7 billion other people who’ve been fooled by the man.

However, if you choose to ascribe to the idea that the Earth is actually a giant disk flying aimlessly through an uncaring, godless void, you’re part of an exclusive club of just 100 people. Yes, amazingly, there are only around 100 people on Earth right now who are smart enough to realise that every person with a PHD in the entire world is lying. According to The Flat Earth Society, they had over 3000 members in the 90’s, but a after a fire, that was probably started by some butthole working for NASA, they lost all their records and had to start again. Since then, only 100 people have bothered to join back up, meaning there are less people in this club than there are rhinos left in the wild.

But hey, don’t let that fact fool you into thinking this is just an idea held by random idiots online with nothing better to do, because …

9. A bunch of highly influential people also believe the Earth is flat

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When it comes to the Flat Earth argument, you could be fooled into thinking that those who believe in the ludicrous idea of an orb shaped planet have the upper hand because their ranks include: every scientist of the last 22 centuries, the president, the guy who animated What’s New Scooby Doo and probably some other important people. There are some fairly prominent and influential Flat Earthers out there like, Mohammed Yusuf, you know, the former leader of Boko Haram, that group that explicitly says that they hate Western Education and make the majority of their living in royalties from keeping CNN afloat when it isn’t an election season.

If having one of the most repugnant men in history support the view that the Earth is flat doesn’t convince you that it’s a totally legit theory, how about learning that the most repugnant man in history also apparently believed it. Yes, we’re talking about Hitler who is apparently greatly respected by a subsection of Flat Earthers because he’s “allegedly” the only person known to have seen the end of the Earth during a visit he totally made to Antarctica that only Flat Earthers seem to know about.

But hey if Hitler isn’t your thing, you may still want to reconsider dismissing the Flat Earth Theory outright because, if you choose to believe it, you get to …

8. Live in a world like Game of Thrones

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I wrote an article a while ago all about how unrealistic some of the elements of Game of Thrones are in relation to the section of history it takes influence from and we’d like to apologise because holy crap, you guys, the wall is a real thing.

You see, according to Flat Earthers, the world rather than being a bloated sphere is actually a rounded disk surrounded by a several hundred foot wall of ice, which is why the oceans don’t just spill out into space and land on Jupiter. Of course nobody has ever seen this wall, because NASA diverts planes away from it as well as stationing guards at the top to shoot anyone (except for Hitler) who gets too close. While we have no idea if any of these guards dress like Jon Snow, we’re going to assume that they do because what in the hell else is a person tasked with guarding the literal edges of the Earth from the top of a big-ass wall of ice gonna wear?

While the existence of a big-ass wall of ice that keeps all of the world’s oceans in place is certainly reassuring, arguably one of the best things about believing the Earth is flat is the fact that …

7. You get to prove Einstein wrong!

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Whenever the idea of a flat planet comes up, one of the first arguments against the theory to crop up in conversation is that gravity simply wouldn’t work on a planet shaped like a pizza. Gravity for those of you who aren’t aware is a myth perpetuated by NASA that says all objects emit an invisible force that attracts other objects towards themselves, the larger the object, the larger the force. Rather than believing this twaddle, Flat Earthers instead believe that the Earth is constantly flying directly upwards at a constant acceleration of 9.81 m/s and that’s why when you drop an object it falls towards the ground at this speed. In regards to what happens when the Earth reaches terminal velocity, the opinion of the Flat Earth society is that it probably won’t so don’t worry about it. Where’s you’re theory of relativity now, Einstein!

But wait you ask? If gravity doesn’t exist, how is the moon kept in place? Well the moon does have a gravitation pull and it does effect the tides, but the only reason it moves across the sky is because the Earth is spinning and it stays in place because it just so happens to be travelling the exact speed we do. As for why the Earth doesn’t have gravity if the moon does, the official stance of the Flat Earth society is to just not try to think about how ridiculous that is. Oh and for anyone wanting to be clever and ask how we have things like lunar eclipses, that’s obviously due to an invisible “shadow object” that nobody has ever observed flying in front of the moon at random that you should absolutely believe exists just because we said so. Also the sun, moon and all the stars are only a couple of hundred miles above the Earth.

However, while Flat Earthers whole heartedly think that you should accept everything they say without question or proof, you shouldn’t give NASA the same privilege because ….

6. NASA is like, super evil and corrupt

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In the world of Flat Earthers, no single entity is treated with more contempt and animosity than those dicks at NASA. Why? Well it probably has something to do with the fact that NASA is pretty much solely responsible for maintaining the illusion that the Earth is a sphere and they’re also evil and corrupt because sure, why not.

According to Flat Earthers every image of our planet ever taken from space was doctored by NASA, every trip to space, including the ones where people died, were impeccably planned ruses and there’s no such thing as satellites, only giant, NASA controlled radio towers that “lie” to your GPS, television and smartphone. NASA also somehow controls every single plane on Earth, even private ones without GPS, to stop them from straying too close to the edge of the Earth and uncovering the truth.

If you’re wondering why NASA would bother to go to such lengths to cover up the Earth being flat, congratulations, you’re already starting to sound like a Flat Earther. Yes, despite Flat Earthers being absolutely convinced that NASA is a massively corrupt agency dedicated to hiding the truth from the public, they have yet to offer a convincing explanation for why NASA actually cares about maintaining this impossibly elaborate scam. They just know something is up and that’s enough for them because …

5. Flat Earthers are smarter than most ancient and modern scientists

parallax-flatearth

The laughable idea that the Earth is actually a water covered orb being catapulted around an exploding ball of gas millions of miles away is one that has been commonly accepted by scientists and thinkers since about 400 BC. That is just a bit too long for an idea to stand unchallenged for it to not leave a sour taste in our mouth.

Flat Earth Theory by contrast is a relatively new idea that was proposed during Victorian times by a guy using the pseudonym “Parallax” which is just way too badass of a nickname for it to have possibly belonged to a liar. Parallax, who usually went by the objectively lamer name “Samuel Rowbotham,” eventually founded a school of thought known as “Zetetic astronomy” which taught some of the ideas we’ve already mentioned today like the Earth being surrounded by a wall of ice, the sun only being a few hundred miles away and calling everyone who disagreed with you an idiot.

Now come on, admit it, Flat Earth Theory sounds just a little more convincing now that you know the majority of the theory is based on a book written by a guy called “Parallax”, doesn’t it? And quite honestly, if that doesn’t convince you, maybe you’d be swayed by the fact that when you’re a Flat Earther …

4. You don’t really have to understand how anything works

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Thinking is hard and Flat Earthers understand that, which is why the entire theory revolves around wild, baseless claims and hand waving anything you don’t want to talk about. No, seriously.

As you can imagine, people who try to insist that the Earth is flat in an academic setting often have to defend themselves against scientists with less awesome sounding titles than “Zetetic Astronomer.” Luckily Flat Earthers have a cast iron system for answering any question they don’t understand without it making them look like an idiot called, “telling people to look up the answer in the Bible.”

This technique was perhaps best utilised by Charles K. Johnson, who up until his death in 2001, was one of the most well-known proponents of Flat Earth Theory. In the hundreds of interviews he gave over the years, Johnson defended Flat Earth Theory like a champ by ignoring any and all criticism and deflecting difficult to understand questions by saying only God had the answer. For example, when Johnson was once innocently asked how solar eclipses worked if the world was flat, he looked the interviewer in the eye and said “we really don’t have to go into all that” and then stopped talking. When pushed for a more satisfactory answer, Johnson relented and simply said “The Bible tells us the heavens are a mystery” and then refused to talk about it anymore.

We think is just fantastic since it confirms our suspicion that when you become a Flat Earth advocate …

3. You can win every argument!

wrong-flatearth

If browsing Reddit has taught us anything, it’s that winning an argument, regardless of how right or offensive you are, is one of the most important things in the world. If you also think this, then you would probably make a pretty good Flat Earth Theorist because there doesn’t appear to be any argument a Flat Earth Theorist can lose as long as they truly commit to being as obtuse as possible.

For example, in an interview with The Guardian newspaper, Daniel Shenton, the current president of the Flat Earth Society, was able to deftly avoid being proven wrong by insisting that all evidence that proved him wrong was made with “special effects.” And calmly explained that he felt perfectly okay with ignoring a millennium of science based on the fact he felt that he was right. As if that wasn’t delicious enough, Shenton went on to explain that it’s on other people to prove him wrong that the Earth isn’t flat, you know, even though he’s already dismissed irrefutable evidence as lies.

Because when you’re a Flat Earther, no proof is ever good enough and you can always sit there smugly knowing that no matter what your opponent says, you can always ask them if they’ve ever been to space and then cross your arms and say you rest your case. Hell, even if the person has been to space, you’ll still win because there’s no way for them to prove that the image of the Earth they saw wasn’t special effects. And if they ask you to prove that you’re right, well that’s as simple as …

2. Drawing a line on the horizon

horizons-flatearth

As far as we can tell, whenever Flat Earthers need to prove that there theory isn’t just a sack of bovine excrement, all they need to do is bring up a picture of the horizon and draw a straight line across it, thus proving unequivocally that the Earth is flat. If the other person tries to correct you by saying something like “the earth is so unimaginably big that the horizon is always going to look flat to our inefficient human eyes” or “try watching a ship sail out to sea and watch it disappear over the horizon” feel free to ignore them or just draw another, bigger line to prove your point a little bit harder.

If anyone ever tries to trip you up, as people whose mind isn’t as open as yours is wont to do, by showing you a picture taken from orbit in which the horizon is clearly curved, all you need to is tell them that, that’s caused by the camera lens.  Or better yet, just tell them that their picture actually proves your point, like this entire forum of Flat Earthers did when a guy turned up with a picture taken from orbit by a totally independent source that NASA couldn’t doctor that clearly showed a curved horizon. When the flustered poster asked someone to explain to him how a flat planet could have a curved horizon, one poster simply responded “because circles are curved” and that was considered a satisfactory answer.

This gets to the heart of why we think everyone reading this should give serious consideration to believing Flat Earth Theory.

1. Believing the Earth is flat

makes you special!

special-flatearth

As far as we’re concerned the main reason to believe Flat Earth Theory over the thing we as a species have considered fact for 25 centuries is because doing so makes you really special. Believing the Earth is flat lets you simultaneously act intellectually superior to everyone you know while also not understanding anything you say on anything more than a superficial level. You can sit around in your exclusive club forums and look down your nose at other people, while never bothering to improve yourself in any meaningful way.

Like with other conspiracy theories, you can use believing the Earth is flat as an excuse to dismiss the opinions and feelings of anyone you’d normally have to treat like a human being as a necessary evil to educate them about the truth.

In short, the main reason you should believe that the Earth is flat is because once you’ve decided to believe it, you’ll never have to put effort into having a meaningful human connection ever again.

The Earth is Flat

WIF Space-001

– WIF Mad Science

CONSTANCE CARAWAY P.I. ~ Episode 160

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Forever Mastadon ~ Episode 160

…Cannon is a charismatic speaker, generally commanding attention from any sized gathering. If you get him talking, good luck in getting to shut up…

The mysterious Penty-in-Winters’-clothing appears out of nowhere to Cannon’s surprise. L Dick has been writing Science Fiction for years, but seeing someone appear out of nowhere is quite another thing.

“I will not be a part of a traveling magic show.” Garfield has been around his share of stage gimmicks, but this stunt was not part of a movie script.

“This is not magic John Garfield; you may not have seen me come into the room.”

“It must be this house, it gives me the creeps,” he pulls the collar of his coat up around his neck and face. “It’s getting colder in here and what’s that smell?”

{Cannon had thought it was all about him. He was under the impression that he was in control, running the show and that Winters was just a means to his ends. He remembers that smell. He has felt that chill before.

But that is all gone now. How long has he been at this house? He is losing his grip on the present. When do dreams become reality and how?

‘Forget Langston, forget,’ he is urged by a resonating voice.}

“Let’s just say that this house has an unsavory past,” Penty/Winters attempts to explain away any causality on his part. “There must have been a fatal fire in the past… and there’s always a nasty draft.”

 

“We are going to fill Chicago Stadium with people who thirst for mental contentment. From Hackensack New Jersey to Hollywood California and Houghton Michigan to Homestead Florida, my followers will flock to Middle America to trumpet the work of the Cannon Dianetic Research Foundation.”

Cannon is a charismatic speaker, generally commanding attention from any sized gathering. If you get him talking, good luck in getting to shut up. Given to pontification, he will make you a devoted follower before you realize that you’ve been had.

He tells the actor/shill, “I will personally meet and greet any of your disaffected Hollywood friends. They can take center stage with us and join in a global spiritual unification,” He has forgotten those nagging suspicions of his host a few minutes earlier and re-morphed into his twisted personae of a ‘Pied Piper for the morally confused’. “Just make sure that we are not lumped into one communist basket. Spiritual Engineering can’t afford that black eye.”

 

Winters, a briefcase toting homeowner by day and dream-weaving demon by night, is exceedingly pleased that Langston Richard Cannon has become the very pompous puppet he had foreseen.

Producing a smile on the face of evil should be the last thing on anyone’s to-do list.


CONSTANCE CARAWAY P.I.

Episode 160


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CONSTANCE CARAWAY P.I. ~ Episode 144

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Forever Mastadon ~ Episode 144

 …Some men must think that we women are stupid, I’ll tell you… barefoot and pregnant that’s the way they want to keep us…

 

“C-A-S-H is the acronym. That is not funny!” The doctor is 62 years old, but Fanny does not suspect that senility has set in. Rather, she knows what it’s like to have blind faith; trusting, innocent and the opposite of wary. “I think we should find out who rents that post office box.”

“That won’t be easy Miss Fanny, the US Post Office is a government agency and they don’t give out (or collect) personal information,” Attorney Moore would know.

Not

 

“Fine, then we can do it the old fashioned way. What day is it today?” she asks.

“The 27th.”

“Is this a leap year?”

The consensus is no,

“So mail your payment on Feb. 28th and I will be waiting to see who picks up their mail at box 13 on the 1st of March, or the 2nd or 3rd, however long it takes.”

Most men must think that we women are stupid, I’ll tell you… barefoot and pregnant that’s the way they want to keep us.” Mrs. Ambrose’s scathing assessment on the rights of women is partly personal and yet not so far out of line. Women have only been voting for three decades, but many a 1950 husband will tell her how to vote because he “said so”.

“I treat my wife like a queen,” Doctor Campbell tells the truth about his home life. “She has a cook, a gardener, a housekeeper…”

“Mr. Ambrose has all those too and she’s called ME! If you get me my money Mr. Moore, I will reward you and Fanny handsomely and then hire me some help!”

“We are working for you in the name of justice.”

“God bless you two, you make a good team.”

Fanny-001

They are indeed; people come to Worth with their troubles and for the last two of his cases, Fanny has come through with flying colors. He is fond of her, but in more than a professional way. She may be all business right now, a tough nut to crack, but given enough time he believes she could come around. After all, he has inherited all of James Ferrell’s former clients and his reputation is beyond reproach and isn’t hard on the eyes. Perhaps with Constance away, far away… maybe, just maybe he can have a chance with her?


CONSTANCE CARAWAY P.I.

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Crooks, Cronies, Corruption & Cookie Jars

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9 Sensational, Sorry, Stupid and Sordid Political Scandals

 History is there to remind us…

On October 10, 1973, Spiro Agnew, former Governor of Maryland and current Vice President of the United States, resigned his office following criminal charges.  Agnew’s crimes and subsequent resignation constituted one of the worst political scandals in U.S. history, as he was only the second U.S. vice president to resign and the only one to resign because of crimes.  Just like other people, politicians sometimes do the wrong thing, however when they do, and it becomes public knowledge, a scandal often ensues.  Here 9 such scandals are listed.  For similar stories, please also read the Cracked History articles: 10 US Politicians Who Have Done or Said Racist Things; and10 Famous Politicians and Their Salacious Sex Scandals.  Special thanks to Joe McCarthy, the one-man political scandal, for providing so much material.

Sorting thru the trash…

9. Judge Samuel B. Kent, Sexual Harassment, 2009.

As a federal judge for the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Texas, Samuel B. Kent should have known better than to sexually harass someone and then to lie about it.  He was sentenced to 33 months in a federal prison as a result.  Before entering prison, he attempted to retire due to disability but was forced by irate members of the House Judiciary Committee to resign instead so that he would not collect a lifetime pension of 100% of his salary.  In another scam effort to retain his lucrative pension, he then tendered a resignation that would not be effective for another year.  This, however, was rebuffed by the House of Representatives that then voted to impeach him, at which time he finally resigned for good.  He pled guilty to 1 count of obstruction of justice.

8. ABSCAM, Government Bribery Sting, 1978-1980.

ABSCAM was the name of an investigation in the late 70s and early 80s when the FBI ran a sting on politicians by setting up fake Arab oil executives to bribe susceptible government employees and office holders.  Dozens were investigated, and convictions came for 1 US Senator, 6 US Congressmen, the Mayor of Camden, New Jersey, a New Jersey State Senator, a Philadelphia councilman and several other civil servants.  Numerous other representatives and senators were also involved, and some of them only narrowly avoided prosecution.

7. The Spiegel Affair (West Germany), 1962.

The Spiegel Affair was a scandal that involved the leading German news and political magazine Der Spiegel and the West German Minister of Defense Franz Strauss.  Spiegel had run stories investigating the possibility of bribery in the Defense Ministry and alluding to West German lack of military preparedness, infuriating Strauss who in turn had the author of an article and the editors arrested.  Police occupied Der Spiegel’soffices, and riots over the arrests which had been conducted without the participation of the Justice Ministry broke out.  This was the first episode of mass public dissent since World War II.  The end result was Der Spiegel-1, Strauss-0, and although Strauss’ political career was damaged, he was neither fired nor prosecuted, as he claimed he thought he was acting legally.

6. Jesse Louis Jackson, Jr., Resignation and Felony Conviction, 2012-2013.

The son of prominent civil rights activist Jesse Jackson, Junior was a congressman who represented Illinois in the U.S. House of Representatives when he was accused of fiscal irregularities and the misuse of campaign funds.  He resigned his seat and pled guilty to 1 count of mail and wire fraud and received a 30-month sentence.  He had been a member of Congress since 1995 and even served as the co-chairman of Barack Obama’s 2008 election campaign.  When he resigned, he revealed that he had been suffering from clinical depression, bi-polar disorder and abdominal problems (probably a result of being investigated).

5-3. “Tail gunner Joe” McCarthy, Numerous Items, 1947-1957.

Before entering politics, McCarthy had been a tail gunner on an American bomber during World War II and earned a Distinguished Flying Cross.  It was afterwards that he became one of the biggest jerks in U.S. political history.  His time as a US senator from Wisconsin was marred by several shameful episodes, largely having to do with laying false accusations on a number of different people and groups.

First, he angered many fellow veterans by lobbying for the commutation of sentences for the German SS murderers who had massacred US POWs at Malmedy, France in 1944; he had accused the U.S. Army of torturing the defendants and otherwise improper handling of the case but never provided a shred of evidence to support this.

His lack of evidence (basically he kept lying) became his hallmark as he accused government employees and private citizens of being communists (or sympathizers) or homosexuals.

Finally, McCarthy was accused by the U.S. Army of trying to force them to give his friend, a soldier named G. David Shine, special treatment.  Meanwhile, McCarthy was making false accusations about Army personnel being communists or spies.  The back and forth with the Army in Congress was televised, and the desperate McCarthy came across as a nut to Congress and the American public.  In the words of Joseph N. Welch, counsel to the Army, “Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last…?” He was finally censured by the Senate in 1954 and died (possibly of alcoholism) before he could serve another term.  He continued his anti-communist rants almost to his death.

 Trivia: McCarthy also accused General MacArthur’s enemies of getting President Truman liquored up in order to get MacArthur fired.

2. Vice President Agnew, Various Crimes and Resignation, 1973.

During his second term as vice president, Spiro Agnew was charged with extortion, tax evasion, over $100,000’s worth of bribery and conspiracy for incidents both before and after becoming vice president.  Part of the plea deal was that he resign, which he did.  Members of the press were somewhat smug about Agnew’s downfall as he had been particularly hard and demeaning to them.

1. President Nixon, Watergate and Resignation, 1972-1974.

The grand-prize winner of scandalous politicians, Richard Nixon is the only U.S. president to resign, which he did in 1974 to avoid impeachment and certain conviction.  Nixon’s reelection campaign had burglarized the rooms of the Democratic National Committee at the Watergate Office Complex in Washington, D.C. prior to the 1972 presidential election, and the burglars were caught.  Investigation eventually led right to President Nixon who had not authorized the burglary but had tried to illegally cover it up.  Members of Nixon’s staff were also implicated and some of them were convicted.

 

 

Crooks, Cronies, Corruption & Cookie Jars