Puns, Puns # 1
Be sure to search out the continuing numbered PUNS series here at WIF… #2 #3 #4, etc… in the Pun Central Catalog.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
— would result in Linoleum Blownaparte.
You may ask why an entire list is dedicated to Sigmund Freud, but the man is famous the world over. He is renowned for his theories on the unconscious and for essentially pioneering psychotherapy, even if there is some argument as to whether he was the first to actually invent it. Freud is also infamous for his theories on psychosexual development, and the fact that his worldview was fairly misogynistic even for his time.
While some of his theories may seem quite wild, the field of psychology today would not be what it is without his influence and early work. Sigmund Freud is proof positive that you can be both a genius who essentially creates an entire field and a complete quack, both at the same time.
Sigmund Freud abused drugs, and when we say that, what we mean is that Freud really, really, really liked cocaine. Freud loved cocaine so much that he discussed it openly with his fiancé, and performed experiments centered on cocaine with himself as the subject. While that may be the greatest excuse for drug use ever, he also did write several papers on the wonders of this drug, touting its use in all sorts of things, including anesthesia. However, he did enjoy the high that the drug gave him, and definitely used it for more than just medicinal reasons.
Freud had a bit of a problem with the ladies, which is a bit of an understatement. A better question would probably be what problem he didn’t have with women. Freud believed that women’s problems stemmed essentially from them not having a male sex organ, and felt that women didn’t have a good sense of justice. He also considered women to be weak socially, to have a jealous nature, and to be exceedingly vain. Freud was also known to believe women to be the problem in society, especially when it came to sexual tension between the genders.
Freud had a collection of very strange theories, many of which are pretty much discredited today. His main belief was that young children, even infants, had unconscious sexual feelings. Among these were various stages of fixation, such as oral, anal and phallic. Someone with an oral fixation gained in this early stage may end up constantly needing to chew on something, or have something in their mouth, while someone who wasn’t raised properly during the anal stage could be anal-retentive, which is where the expression comes from. He also had theories involving the Oedipus Complex, which had young boys attracted to their mothers, and the Elektra Complex, which had young girls attracted to their fathers.
Many people may not realize that Freud had a very long running battle with cancer. This was mainly due to his constant habit of smoking cigars, leading to mouth cancer later in life. At one point Freud managed to actually quit for over a year, but eventually went back to the habit again full-time. According to some, he smoked as many as twenty cigars in a typical day and had to go through 34 operations, still eventually succumbing to cancer. Despite Freud’s knowledge of psychology, he was unable to ever truly break the habit.
Freud is famous for being the inventor of psychoanalysis, though some argue whether he was the first to use the method. Freud, though, was unquestionably the first to popularize the method, and influenced many great psychologists such as Carl Jung. Psychoanalysis often involves attempting to understand a patient through their childhood development and greatly involves the unconscious. His psychoanalysis has been criticized, and still enjoys a certain controversy among the psychology community today. His beliefs have always been considered controversial, but his contribution to the field of psychology and his influence cannot be denied.
Some of Freud’s contemporaries were women, and a bit more feminist than he was (then again, it sounds like just about everybody is more feminist than Freud.) In response to his belief that many of women’s ills belonged to the fact that they did not have a penis and were jealous of men for having one, a female contemporary came up with the alternate theory of womb envy. Also known as vagina envy, this is an alternate theory that states men are actually jealous of women, because they do not have a womb and thus cannot create life. To make up for this jealousy, men try to construct businesses instead so it feels like they are creating something. One feminist even makes the argument that Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein is essentially a story about a man with womb envy.
Sigmund Freud placed a lot of importance on the unconscious, so perhaps not all too surprisingly he had quite a hang up on dreams. Freud believed that dreams had parts that you remember, and those that you did not. His theory was that what you actually remembered was just something that represented what you were actually thinking during the dream, and that it was meant to disguise the true thought. Freud even wrote a book on dreams called, creatively titled “The Interpretation of Dreams.” His main belief at the time was that dreams are a way of fulfilling things we wish we could do while conscious, but were unable.
Freud was one of the first to really propose serious theories on the unconscious, and it was truly a cornerstone of nearly all of what he believed. The unconscious, for our purposes, is supposed to be all of the processes in our brain that we perform without really thinking. However, Freud saw it as much more than this. He believed that the unconscious drives how we behave, often acting on feelings that have been repressed inside us since he were very young. He believed very strongly that nearly all actions that people performed were the result of unconscious processes, which would mean that our free will does not perform quite the way we first thought. While it is certain that we do have an unconscious mind, it is hard to say just how many of Freud’s theories regarding it are actually true, or even have elements of truth to them.
There is a popular story that Freud was once with a class smoking one of his favorite cigars when one of his students suggested that perhaps his constant need to have something in his mouth meant that he had an oral fixation, basically pinning him with his own made-up disorder. To this, Freud famously replied “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Funnily enough, it turns out that some people have investigated this quote and discovered that the entire thing probably never even happened. However, as we mentioned earlier, Freud did indeed love his cigars. He was been quoted as saying that cigars were essential to his life, and he believed that they improved his work. In short, if oral fixation is real, he clearly had it, sassy comeback or none.
A polyglot is someone who can speak many languages, basically a super linguist. And Sigmund Freud was a serious polyglot, with a strong knowledge of German, Italian, Greek, English, Spanish, Hebrew and Latin. For those of who aren’t counting, that is a grand total of seven languages, which makes us look bad as most people are lucky to be proficient in their own language. Freud was also quite the little genius, already reading Shakespeare at the tender age of eight. He was also accepted into a prestigious high school and graduated with honors, eventually proving himself as the kookiest psychologist ever to walk the Earth.
During the Middle Ages, Demons were everywhere. Blamed for everything from hoarse speaking voices to public nudity, demons were once an omnipresent force and a viable culprit for all ill-favored aspects of human nature. Medieval demonologists wrote entire encyclopedias, including, The Lesser Key of Solomon, Compendium Maleficarum, Admirable History and Pseudomonarchia Daemonum, dedicated to the classification of demons and their contributions to mortal affectations. As people have drifted from belief in these malevolent forces, we have admitted responsibility for our own bad behavior. Here is a list of demons responsible for various maladies in the human condition, if you ever feel that burden of responsibility is too much to bear on your own.
If you have ever taken a vacation and had trouble finding your hotel, car, map, anxiety medication or the rest of your family, you’ve probably had an encounter or two with Ardad, the demon who leads travelers astray. Ardad is not that powerful of a demon, which is why his job is seducing, a behavior that most mortals have no trouble doing on their own. He most often possesses men into being adamantly against asking for directions, and responsible for GPS malfunction in major cities.
It’s 9 am and you are walking into your business meeting with a fresh cup of coffee from the break room. The room is still bustling with the conversations of your peers, which you would engage in if you hadn’t just started last week and were still acquainting yourself with folks around the office. You sit down, and just as the fervor of communication dies down to near silent, you spill hot coffee all over your new suit and yell out a loud and audible #*$@! You look up and are met with dead silence, and disgust in the eyes of your new workmates at your lack of professionalism. You want nothing more than to run right out of the room, but your feet are frozen to the floor. Fortunately, you can tell them all you are battling with the demon Agares, and that should make it all okay.
Agares is a grand duke of Hell and presides over 31 legions of demons. He particularly enjoys destroying dignities, teaching foul language, and makes those who run stand still. Agares can also cause earthquakes. Surprising that, with such power, he took the time to ruin your morning meeting and your chances of upward mobility.
After waking up at 11:30, to lazilyto walk to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, you flip open the laptop at your bedside and order breakfast for delivery on Grubhub. Awaiting delivery, you proceed to watch Grey’s Anatomy on Hulu, only to be disturbed by the delivery of your Chinese food. As you continue to watch the doctors of Seattle Grace for the next seven hours, grazing at your General Tsao’s chicken, you can’t help but imagine if you were on staff there, you would definitely be labeled as Dr. McHottiepants, and verify it to yourself by a giving a long and loving glance to the compact mirror by your bedside. When six o’clock rolls around and the day is over, you tell yourself that was a perfectly appropriate way to spend your day, since you’ve been working so hard lately, and barely get a chance to rest. You wake up the next day and do the same thing, only this time with Dexter.
If you’ve found yourself in this situation before, you are most likely being plagued by the demon Astaroth, who provokes laziness, vanity and rationalization. He does, however, give power over serpents, which is good news for the slovenly owners of boa constrictors. Best remedy to an Astaroth infection is a solid helping of prayer to his arch nemesis St Bartholomew, who will teach how not to succumb to Astaroth’s temptations.
You have real particular problems if the night demon Ose possesses you, in that you will truly believe you are a King, Pope or creature. Most people would label this sort of behavior as insanity, which is exactly what Ose plans to keep his cover. Others just believe the game, which is exactly why Ose seems to have a pretty strong hold on many political figures, and probably some of your former bosses.
Ose is a president of Hell and rules thirty legions of demons. If you do have a problem with this demon you most likely don’t know it, as he even transforms the thoughts of inflicted mortals to believe they are the shape he chooses, but I would say it is a pretty good bet if you are a ferret using the Internet.
Sitri makes men and women reveal themselves naked, and mockingly reveals the secrets of women. Sitri’s presence is found lurking in most fraternities and sorority houses around America, and his power is particularly strong in Daytona Beach around Spring Break, especially if Girls Gone Wild is in town. For those who commonly make a public mockery of himself, or herself, when inebriation is involved, or every girl who has taken a walk of shame after an embarrassing one night stand, it may be comforting to know you have someone to blame besides your own poor life choices.
In The Lesser Key of Solomon, he is a great prince of Hell, reigning over 60 legions of demons. A good remedy for Sitri’s possession is leaving the house wearing plenty of layers and abstaining from alcohol.
You are in one of those relationships. You know, the one where you are absolutely so passionately in love, but no one can spend even five minutes with the two of you because you fight incessantly over everything. First, it was deciding where to eat lunch, then it was deciding where to put the cello when you two moved in together, you eat too fast, they talk too loud, you spend too much time with your friends, they leave food in the sink. The petty quarrels and disharmony are never ending. Everyone tells you that the two of you need to break up, which you just cannot understand because you love them so much, even if he or she may sometimes inch you towards committing homicide. The truth is, your relationship needs a good old-fashioned exorcism.
Pruflas, as told by the demonology of Johann Weyer in Pseudomonarchia Daemonum, is a Duke of Hell with 26 legions of demons under his rule. He promotes discord, quarrels and falsehood. Bear in mind, the infidelities and lies cannot be blamed on either party, its Pruflas’ fault.
You know you are battling Beezelbub when, after your third trip up to the all you can eat buffet, returning to a table of full friends with an equally full plate of food, you can’t help but think about how great it will be to go get a triple banana split with whipped cream and nuts when you’re finished feasting on your macaroni and cheese covered chicken leg. After all of this, you probably still don’t realize why it’s impossible for you to lose weight. Pregnancy is possible, but more likely is the presence of the patron demon of gluttony feasting on your soul. And you should be flattered. Beezelbub is a big deal demon. In fact, he is one of the three most prominent and powerful of the fallen angels, next to only Satan and Leviathan, and made strong showing during the Salem witch trials. But, when he’s not causing jealous murders and enticing war, he’s making you eat more Cheetos with your Denny’s Grand Slam.
The new bartender at the place across from your office is starting to look pretty sexy, and it isn’t just the alcohol. You find yourself tipping this bartender extra cash with a wink and a seductive smile, hoping for a chance to really do a number on them in the bathroom. The problem is, you are married, or at least involved. Images of the bartender scantily clad plague your entire afternoons, and sometimes leaking into the evening with strange fantasies of you, the bartender, and a collection of Russian nesting dolls. These strange sexual desires and your near demise by the overpowering nature of your own lust is easily pinned on Asmodeus, the patron demon of that lethal sin.
Keep your pants on, however, for those who fall for the seduction of Asmodeus spend eternity banished to the second level of hell. He is King of hell, and responsible for Lust of the seven deadly sins, his power strongest in November. He can easily be shooed away by the smell generated from placing a fish’s heart and liver on burning cinders, as proven in the Book of Tobit.
On the way to your car, which is annoyingly parked a block away, you are accosted by some environmentalist trying to convince you to save the whales, but as you have no time for the salvation of aquatic animals, and less patience for whiny do-gooders, you grab the pamphlet which is practically shoved into your throat and make a point to rip it up right in front of the irritating activist, and openly littering. Once you are in your car you are lambasted with an unwelcome turn of an elderly gentleman in front of your car. After much honking, which is only making the confused grandpa, who is probably dealing with the beginnings of senility, go slower, you cross into the lane of opposite traffic to make a point of passing him, your middle finger out the window screaming about how there needs to be a maximum driving age to prevent assholes like him from getting in your way. Finally parked, and almost to your destination, you stop for a latte at the Starbucks nearby. Huge mistake. You wait over five minutes for your latte, which you specifically ordered at 172 degrees with no foam, receiving a beverage, which is clearly 168 degrees and topped with a foam mountain. Livid, you throw your drink at the barista, who is still in training, and remove two dollars from the tip jar exclaiming that people like them do not deserve the charity of others.
Everyone you’ve seen today might already suspect you are inflicted with a demonic presence, and its name is Verrine, responsible for impatience. Verrine is a prince of thrones, and is listed in the first hierarchy of demons, as explained by Sebastien Michaelis in Admirable History, with a demon classification apparently shared with him by the demon Berith during an exorcism on a nun. Praying to St Dominic may help you rid this Demon; of course it would probably help if everyone around you weren’t an idiot.
As far as the seven deadly sins are concerned, Lucifer is responsible for pride in mortals. This sin comes from Lucifer’s own pride resulting in his downfall from Heaven. Lucifer loved himself above anything, and without ignorance as an excuse. Ranked highest of angels, with his seat in Heaven next to God, God allowed him power over earth. When God left his seat, however, Lucifer sat himself on the heavenly throne. This outlandish display of Lucifer’s pride started a war among Angels, and when Michael finally succeeded in banishing Lucifer from heaven he was cast down to Earth and called Satan. The angels that followed him in the fall became the demons currently causing all the afflictions of human nature, with Lucifer as the reigning King.
Mere plebeians need not to worry too much about Lucifer’s strong hold on Earth, as he targets more prominent figures to be victims of his direct company. Historically his presence has been seen in the prideful tyrannical rulers of Rome, but some could make arguments that his charisma is making a resurgence in more recent world leaders.