Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 210

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Constance Caraway P.I. ~ Episode 210

Chapter Eighteen


…“How can you make money by giving away free wine?” Devil Dollars aren’t redeemable…


On the heels of his great mischief of on March 12th, Pentateuch learns of the Billy Graham Crusades returning to Chicago. “They must be suckers for punishment.” What manner of tomfoolery can the Dark Deceptor unleash on the innocent and unsuspecting that plan to be there in late April? An infectious disease from 1000 B.C. may affect the greatest number of them, but if it gets out of control, too many of his best bad people might become ill. He is in need every rotten tomato in his shrinking basket.

Good thing for him, he can redeploy the Joseph Winters ruse, this time Mr. Winters will get a job as a concessionaire at Comiskey Park. Penty is so versatile that it’s a shame that he doesn’t use his talents for good.


And even though his Great Deception monopoly has been pretty much shot to hell, his tormenting spirit lives on and if he can muck up all this revival nonsense, like he has done a number of times before. That would certainly make it a banner year for him.

There are no beer sales at this Major League ballpark, tailored just for the crusade Christian clientele. “How’s an angel supposed to make a decent wage?” You must keep in mind that Pentateuch is an Angel of God, although falling as far as possible from His good graces. His current lament applies to how he can poison as many of the 45,000 as inhumanely possible. “Poisoned bodies or poisoned minds, how did I do it back in 1904?”

(There have been other revivals since 1904, mainly in the British Isles and Africa, but the legacy of D.L. Moody was strong as he passed the torch on to others. But it is hard to keep the momentum going when you attempt to evangelize the entire planet; a noble but improbable undertaking.)

This time around, Penty/Winters have discovered that the concessionaires will be handing out something for free. “How can you make money by giving stuff away?” Devil Dollars aren’t redeemable.

Communion is the heavenly handout and it is only given to those who are right with God. This means that the vast majority of the forty thousand plus will eat a hunk of stale bread and drink a miser’s portion of Manischewitz wine; hmmm, the putrefying possibilities.

Libbyites-001The what-ifs and why-nots are all point toward mass mayhem. After all, what does he have to worry about? Those damned Libbyites think they have won, above all that witch Caraway; the one human that has plunked herself in the middle of his best laid plans…….but even she is given to go off and cavort with that grounded Texas fly/playboy. (She doesn’t even know -nor does he – that he has a kid in Brazil.)

Constance Caraway P.I.

Satans Place-001

Forever Mastadon

page 176

How Beer Changed the World – WIF Fun Historical Facts

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How Did Beer

Change the World?

Beer Video Below

Hybrid cars, computers, those terrible smartphone games everyone’s hooked on: humanity has come a long way since our cave-dwelling, hunting-and-gathering, Quasimodo-looking forefathers. But why? What drove all of these fantastic exhibitions of human achievement?

But first please indulge me.

I have featured beer in other articles over the years:

This would suggest that I am a consumer of said product. To support my claim of partaking in this addictive amber alcohol bubbly beverage, I spent the first 40 years of my life in Wisconsin. That should be ample proof in itself.

Whether it is because of the brutal winters or the proximity to hops & Barley or the immigration of German brew masters to Milwaukee, WI is a beer hotbed.

True Confessions

If I could reach back into time and speak sound advice to a younger meI would recommend abstaining from acquiring a taste for it.

But the ability to change the past is currently unknown or unavailable to us here in 2017 and the horses are already out of the barn.

The key to drinking is not to get drunk. Moderation is a highly underrated state-of-mind.

  1. Sip – don’t Guzzle
  2. Savor the Flavor
  3. Consider the Consequences

This did not start out to be an advice column. Please feel free to chime in & direct your comments to Gwendolyn Hoff c/o Writing Is Fun-damental (the blog you are reading). Perhaps I have missed my calling.

Or perhaps I have changed the course of someone’s life somewhere out there. “Dear younger you.”

–  Gwenny

How Beer Changed the World –

WIF Fun Historical Facts

Beer Garden Heaven USA – WIF Travel

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A fairly recent addition to the ranks of America’s finest beer gardens, having just opened in April 2017, Barleygarden’s made what could have been a fairly stale suburban outdoor shopping plaza/ mixed use development… legitimately cool? Part of that legitimacy comes from owner Kraig Torres, whose Hop City has been making Atlanta beer drinking craftier for years now, and having big-time local chef/butcher Kevin Ouzts in the kitchen turning out charcuterie-centric grilled cheeses doesn’t hurt, either. Throw in a two-tiered open-air patio and the fact that you can take to-go drinks throughout the development and… maybe the suburbs aren’t so bad?


bangers austin



With over 100 beers on tap and 30+ house-made sausages, the sprawling, perpetually thronged Banger’s isn’t just one of Austin’s best beer gardens. It’s also one of its best beer bars. And one of its best booze-soaking sausage parties. And its best dog-friendly drinkery. And a great brunch spot. And… look, this is is a must-visit spot no matter how you slice it. But you should be slicing it with a couple hundred other thirsty revelers on a patio lit by hanging lights on a cool Austin night. Oh, it’s also one of the best places to hang out on a cool Austin night. Did we mention that this place rules? Or that they have a fantastic brunch. Or firkin tappings? Or…




Now pushing a decade of ably providing Williamsburg residents (and guests) with all the liters of beer, beer-absorbing brats, similarly functioning pretzels and time-passing card games they can possibly handle, Radegast remains a favorite of the neighborhood and, more (or less?) importantly,Thrillist editors. There’s live music daily (which may or may not include an accordion player jovially foot-tapping on your table). There’s a retractable roof ensuring that your biergartening plans remain steadfastly weather-proof. There’s a good time to be had, every time.

VBGB Beer Garden



Being located adjacent to the NC Music Factory makes VBGB an essential Charlotte stop if you’re headed to a concert. But even if it was located next to a ferret-breeding center (good lord, no!), this sprawling beer garden would be a must-visit. Beers flow from 30+ local-centric taps into 12-, 18-, and 34-ounce glasses, the latter of which could seriously hinder or help your abilities to play giant Jenga, Connect Four, and chess. But if you really want to channel your inner Maverick, there’s also a five-court volleyball sandbox where you’ll be too busy executing wayward spikes to lament the fact that there’s no Goose (Island) around to help you out.


sheffields beer garden



Sheffield’s has evolved as an establishment over the years, evolving from a craft-centric dive to… a craft-centric dive with a BBQ-based menu and a bar-within-the-bar dubbed “Beer School” that has its own tap list. But changes aside, the welcoming beer garden has remained its constant spiritual center (yes, even in the punishing winter). The shade-giving cottonwood trees and vine-covered walls make it feel like you’re enjoying a beer in a friend’s backyard… if your friend happened to have the space to stock some 200 varieties of beer, including 40 on tap. No one has friends like that, which is why Chicago has Sheffield’s.

Park & Field



When Park & Field in Chicago’s Logan Square neighborhood in winter 2016, it was abundantly clear that the colder months would just be a prelude to the real debut for the vintage-channeling sports bar, thanks to a simultaneously sprawling and cozy 6,000 square foot patio. OK fine, they didn’t necessarily wait entirely to use that outdoor space, thanks to some fire pits and Adirondack chairs, but beer-garden life is inarguably better when the sun is shining and you’re clutching a cold Half Acre and maybe some s’mores (yes, they still use those fire pits in the summer).



Even tougher than Angela Merkel’s shoulder pads, this historic spot has survived for nearly 150 years — and not without a fight. When Prohibition came a-knockin’, Mecklenburg employed the services of a bootlegging boat to keep its customers hydrated. When it entered a ’60s slump, the management turned the place around into a Mobil (now Forbes) four-star restaurant and got the building on the National Register of Historic Places. And when debt closed its doors in 1982, it patiently waited for the current managers to come along and restore the place to its Bavarian glory. A story like that deserves a liter of Spaten. Lucky you, they’re happy to accommodate.

Truck Yard



The grand beer garden tradition gets a healthy dose of ‘Murican influences at this 15,000 square foot space, styled with the finest trailer-park decor touches like crappy lawn chairs, spare tires, and scrap metal art. Even better? Food trucks slinging tacos and pizza are parked there every day, so you can go ahead and have another Shiner. Or another Community Mosaic IPA. Or another frozen trash can punch — beer gardens don’t have to be ALL about beer, you guys.



Frankenmuth is one of those weird wormholes of a town where most of the city is emulating a place halfway around the globe. But holy shit do they do it right. This is, in fact, a place sandwiched between Lakes Huron and Michigan where the men don lederhosen and the women squeeze into dirndls while carrying enough liters of beer to make a CrossFit enthusiast buckle at the knees… and that’s before they bring out an all-you-can-eat fried-chicken spread. Excessive? You betcha. But when you’re sitting on the humid patio of the massive property’s Schnitzelbank Bier Garten among hundreds of contented people with bellies full of beer and over-salted chicken, nothing else really matters… especially when the live polka band makes the rounds like a lederhosen-clad mariachi band.

The Rathskeller



“Rathskeller” translates to “basement beer hall,” but you’ll just have to overlook that as you resist the taxidermied charm of the moose heads lining the interior walls. The real attraction here’s the outdoor area, loaded with picnic tables and featuring a band shell for live music and plenty of thirsty Hoosiers. The beers are large, the people drinking them are friendly, and heat lamps stand guard to ensure the drinking continues deep into the night, even when the weather’s not ideal… weather seldom keeps a Midwesterner from a beer.


beer park vegas



You had to figure beer gardens would manifest themselves a bit differently in Vegas. Case in point: This Bud-sponsored, second-story oasis in Vegas. Because it has 100 beers available, including two dozen taps. But you should get bottles, since the tables have built-in ice troughs to keep them cold. The grounds are outfitted with turf. The open-air bar is surrounded by flat-screens. And there’s pool, cornhole, and giant Jenga. It’s like a high-tech biergarten theme park, and it’s incredible.


Estabrook Beer Garden



If you want to visit a quite literal beer garden, we direct you to Estabrook, a spot located in Estabrook Park along the Milwaukee River that’s so legit, it’s out of the public transit’s reach. (The official site recommends arriving by “foot, bicycle, automobile, kayak, or canoe.”) Estabrook prides itself on being a truly public beer garden, so patrons are encouraged to bring their own picnics or even steins. And if you’re not into providing your own food supply, complete the full-on Wisconsin picture and hit up the Friday fish fry.


the pharmacy nashville



Slinging some of Nashville’s best burgers along with a murderers’ row of some of the finest German and Belgian beers available in Nashville, the Pharmacy would be a great bar even before you stumble onto the beer garden. This is a place that takes the “garden” part of that word mighty seriously, with tons of crowded tables shaded by overhanging trees and rows and rows of greenery. And at night, the place takes on an almost ethereal glow under the hanging lights. It’s kind of likeThe Secret Garden, though considering it’s always crowded, we’re guessing that the secret got blown long ago.


Bayou Beer Garden



Surrounded with palm trees and rocking multiple flat-screens, the sprawling Bayou Beer Garden is like a glorious melding of beachside bar, sports-centric drive-in theater, and raucous New Orleans beer bar all rolled into one. The place rocks 180 global beers to choose from — including 24 rotating taps — that you can pair with everything from amped-up crab-cake bites to Disco Fries loaded with roast beef debris. And if for some reason you wandered into a beer garden with somebody who hates beer, the nearly identical adjoining Bayou Wine Garden helps you split the difference.





Portland’s blessed with tons of great beer served at picnic tables. But Prost! has long been the king of local biergartens. It’s not just the fact that the dog-friendly outdoor deck is equipped with its own bar that serves up a wide array of German beers in its proper glassware, though that’s a huge plus. It’s also situated next to a food cart cluster where you’re welcome to go grab a sushi burrito or vegan BBQ if the excellent schnitzel from Prost! doesn’t do the trick. The joint — located on the wildly popular Mississippi drag of Portland hipness — also hosts a glorious Oktoberfest party, and the owners recently bought the entire property and the adjoining cart pod. If you don’t live in Portland, that just sounds like good business. In a neighborhood where beloved businesses are razed daily to make room for condos, it means that the carts — and the biergarten — represent a longtime anchor in a neighborhood whose identity changes with more regularity than this institution’s taps.


bohemian beer hall



Established in 1910, this Astoria institution has seen more beer-soaked nights than 35 frat houses combined. The place is owned and managed by a Czech and Slovak community group, and those influences are apparent in dishes like the fried muenster and drafts like Staropramen. Oh, and in the absolutely massive beer garden — the Czechs and Slovaks like beer, in case you haven’t heard.



After six years in business, Biergarten has established itself as a big dog in a city that isn’t exactly hurting for great spots to drink beer outside. The extremely limited beer selection (don’t fix what ain’t broken) leans Bavarian, and comes by the liter or half liter. Food’s less traditional, with brats and currywurst holding court next to burgers and pretzel dumplings. And everything here is served up on a massive patio with a lone centerpiece tree holding court over everything from Friday movie nights to raucous happy-hour drinking.


Lowry Beer Garden



Sure, this beer garden is situated on the grounds of a former Air Force Base, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get sweeping views of an old B-52 bomber (courtesy of the Wings Over the Rockies Air and Space Museum next door) from any of the 225 seats outside. Colorado cools off when the sun goes down, but two outdoor fire pits, 16 taps of Colorado’s finest suds – Avery, Odell, and Left Hand among them — and a panoply of “creatively topped” brats and burgers — like the B-52 Bomber with double bacon, mushrooms, onions, and blue cheese — will keep you plenty warm if the beer doesn’t during one of the venue’s many outdoor concerts on a cool summer night.

rhein haus



Now that lawn darts have been outlawed, bocce ball has become the de facto sport for launching potentially injurious projectiles toward competitors, and it’s the game of choice at this Seattle institution. That mostly goes down at the courts inside this 420-seat beer hall, while the massive outdoor biergarten lets you cool off/calm your pulse after almost being beaned by a wayward ball over German-centric pints in the packed, sunny (well, it’s Seattle, so that’s relative) biergarten. Indoor or out, it’s the perfect collision between German food/drink and Italian sports that you never knew you needed.


american fresh beer garden



You don’t necessarily expect to pair a trip to a top-flight beer garden with a trip to Legoland and maybe some sensibly priced khakis from J. Crew, but such is the existence of American Fresh, the cool kid in Somerville’s otherwise somewhat corporate-feeling Assembly Row development. Run by Somerville Brewing Company, it augments plentiful craft drafts with a funky, colorful space flanked by shipping containers supplying merch and sustenance (don’t miss the pretzel). Also, this beer garden’s equipped with a heated tent, and thus impervious to Nor’easters.





Opened back in 2013 by a couple of Russians with an affinity for German beer (you know, before “Russian” appeared in every fifth news headline), Dacha has become a DC day-drinking must thanks to an airy mural-backed beer garden where you can rest easy knowing you’re in equally good hands if you’re feeling like downing a crisp lager from das boot or helping yourself to something hop heavy. In a similar vein, the menu blends beer garden musts like pretzels that are equal parts large, soft, and delicious with less expected fair like rabbit croquettes and beer-braised goat poutine.

Beer Garden

Heaven USA

– WIF Travel

Porter, Pizza, Peanut Butter and Pudding – Oktoberfest Beer Partaking

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Strange Beers That

Challenge the Norm

10. Pizza Beer

pizza beer

How many times have you sat down to eat a pizza, only to think “If only I could drink this”? We reckon the number out there is very small, but just in case you have, the Seefurths have you covered. Known as theMamma Mia Pizza Beer, the couple claim that their invention is the “world’s first culinary beer”, born from the thought of combining a supply of tomatoes, garlic and herbs. The pair then networked with other radical brewers around the world to finalise a recipe that creates pizza beer.

So, how is it made? Pretty simple. Within the mash, a margarita pizza is added. This is allowed to “steep like a tea bag”, according to the official website. A wheat crust made of water, flour and yeast is topped with some familiar ingredients you’d see from your local pizza place; some tomato and oregano, for instance. More spices are added during a boiling process, and the mixture gets bottled up for two weeks.

So does it fit the bill? According to the reviews, the beer does actually taste and smell just like pizza. Its low score, however, is simply because the absolute last thing people want to crack open on a hot summers day is liquefied Italian dishes. Still, a potential novelty purchase for the teenage mutant ninja turtle of the household.

9. Mangalitsa Pig Porter

pig porter

Next time you go to throw your dinner scraps away, take a time to think; what would it taste like if all of this were brewed into a beer? Chances are you’ll be more repulsed than inspired, but that didn’t stop Right Brain Brewery from trying their own spin.

The fact that it’s called “pig porter” is its first warning. It’s brewed using the heads and bones of pigs, which are thrown into the mix using cheesecloth bags after being smoked. The beer is then transferred from the bottom into another tank, deliberately avoiding all the fat that rises to the top. Right Brain Brewery would also like to tell you that there’s no need to worry — their latest batch does, in fact, contain the eyeballs along with the rest of the pig head. You know, in case you were concerned that they were missing the good bits.

Just before you file this under “disgusting”, however, perhaps note that the critics who have tried this beer actually state that it’s not that bad. In fact, it’s actually quite good. Drinkers of the porky porter pointed out that the flavor had a smoky hint to it, with the taste of fatty pork coming through at the end. So if you’re looking for something to accompany some roast pork, you can do worse than this pig-beer.

8. The End Of The World

end of history

For some people, brewing beer is a passion. For others, it’s straight-up competition. While everyone else is presumably cramming strange things into their mashes to make strange new beers, there’s an ongoing war to make some of the strongest beers known to man. In the arena of ‘extreme ABV brewing’, breweries from across the world work to create beverages of high alcohol content. One of those breweries is Scotland-based BrewDog.

They entered the arena with their beer, Tactical Nuclear Penguin, which earned a respectable 32% ABV rating. When it was beaten by a German brewery, they had to step up their game with Sink the Bismarck! at 40% ABV. When that lost its title, BrewDog once again put up a fight with an interesting beer called The End of History. At a powerful 55% ABV, The End of History is not a drink to be taken lightly. The first thing you note about a bottle of The End of History isn’t its strength, however; each one was stuffed inside a stuffed animal. And we don’t mean the kind you find at a Build-A-Bear:

“Only 12 bottles have been made and each comes with its own certificate and is presented in a stuffed stoat or grey squirrel,” the website says. “The striking packaging was created by a very talented taxidermist and all the animals used were road kill. This release is a limited run of 11 bottles, 7 stoats and 4 grey squirrels.”

Since then, the war for the highest ABV has run into fierce competition, with some accusations of cheating along the way. As long as nothing is bottled in anything weirder than a stuffed stoat, however, The End of History may be outdone, but it won’t be forgotten.

7. Beer Geek Brunch Weasel

brunch weasel

It may be strange to some people that some beer use coffee as one of their ingredients, but when the coffee itself also uses a strange ingredient in the brewing process, you end up with a beer that requires a brave resolve to try.

The Beer Geek Brunch Weasel from Mikkeller seems innocent. It’s a 10.9% Norwegian beer that’s classed as an Imperial Oatmeal Stout. It contains coffee as one of its ingredients, but not the kind that you can buy in the supermarket – Mikkeller states that the coffee within Beer Geek Brunch Weasel is “one of the world’s most expensive coffees”. So you know you’re getting quality the moment you buy it. That is, if you decide to buy it after you discover the coffee is brewed from cat faeces.

It is, apparently, not a practical joke. After all, we’re not talking aboutany cat, here – the dung comes from “weasel-like civet cats” who are renown for being choosy how they eat. The cats consume only ‘the best and ripest coffee berries’, and their stomach enzymes play a part by breaking the beans down. In short, these cats are doing you a favour, thank you very much. Now drink your cat poo beer. And if you want further proof the world slowly went mad while you weren’t looking, the beer is getting absolute rave reviews, being praised as “world-class” quality. One of the reviews goes into detail about the flavour, stating that it has a “bitter coffee in the backend”, which probably could have been worded better.

6. PB&J Beer


There’s no dancing around the name of this one. If you want to go back to the days of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but want an adult twist on it, these stouts might just be right for you. Yes, that’s right – stouts plural. It turns out, PB&J beer isn’t isolated to just one brewery. Making the perfect beverage-based replica of the iconic sandwich is a hobby quite a few breweries have taken up, with creations including Peanut Butter Jelly Time, No Crusts, PB&J Stout and the more simply-named Peanut Butter and Jelly Beer.

The latter beer was brewed at Edmond’s Oast, a company who have experimented with beverages such as chocolate and banana beers. They keep the ingredients as authentic as possible, using grape juice and peanut butter powder to nail the flavour of the sandwich. People who drink it agree; the beer’s flavour comes “exactly as promised”.

Just don’t let the kids catch wind that you have a case.

5. La Jordana del Escorpion en Fuego Hacia la Casa del Chupacabra Muerto

A beer that contains a scorpion as an ingredient would definitely be classed as a little weird, but the Unknown Brewing Co. didn’t stop there. The mix of one of their brews calls for ninety-nine of the nasty creatures to be added to the recipe.

The name (which is the long string of Mexican that makes up the title of the entry) translates out to “The Path of the Fiery Scorpion through the House of the Dead Chupacabra”, which is probably an absolute pain to try to order in the middle of a crowded bar. It’s at a pretty potent 10.1% ABV, and contains agave nectar and serrano peppers alongside the ghastly ingredient mentioned before. The scorpions come into play during the brewing process, thrown in when the beer and the hops are boiled.

It seems the addition of scorpions did not harm the flavour too badly.Reviewers say that the beer is “a decent beer on its own” and “certainly an experience”, just in case you’re looking for a brew with a sting in its tail.

4. Sumerian Beer


Sometimes, a beer doesn’t need weird ingredients in order to stand out. Sometimes, it depends where the recipe came from.

Such is the case for Great Lakes Brewing, who tried to create a Sumerian beer. The ingredients weren’t the curious part about this brew; what was interesting was how scholars from the University of Chicago were eager to help create it. After all, when you’re trying to brew a beer that dates back four millennia, you’re going to need the help of friends.

Before people could write, the Sumerians were tinkering with beer. When they did get around to inventing the written word after all those pints, they describe some of the beers they created as “a golden beer, a dark beer, a reddish beer, a dark and sweet beer and a filtered beer”. Unfortunately, the exact recipes of each of those beers are lost to history, but the brewers were encouraged to experiment with the ingredients the ancient Sumerians had on-hand to reproduce a guess as to what they were drinking – beers made from dates, coriander, fennel and juniper berries.

3. Celest-jewel-ale


Sometimes you just need some space and some beer, but some people want some space in their beer.

The brewers at Dogfish Head decided to add something a little not-of-this-Earth into their drinks; lunar meteorites. Before you consider their antics a little over the top, there is a little logic in using the space rocks in a beer — their makeup of salts and other minerals allows them to actually aid during the fermentation of the beer, giving the ingredient more use than just a simple novelty.

And if you want a little extra sensation of space with your drink, the Rehoboth Beach brewpub also sold covers to help “protect” your beer. Its material? The same stuff they use to make actual spaceman suits out of. Because when you ask someone to hold you beer, you want to make sure it comes back in one piece.

2. Sticky Toffee Pudding Ale


At this point, we’ve probably covered enough beers where you could construct a full-course meal with different kinds of beverages. Those with a weaker stomach are probably grateful that there hasn’t been a beer that represents a dessert yet. This entry is for them.

Unfortunately, the actual ingredients that go into Charlie Well’s Sticky Toffee Pudding Ale are kept a secret, but they promise that they use “the finest ingredients” combined with ‘accredited mineral water’ to produce the brew. At a modest 5% ABV, the Pudding Ale is another entry into the brewery’s range of “pudding ales”:

“This is very much a beer first and a dessert second,” says Karl Ottomar, the head brewer. “It is brewed with our trusted pale ale malt and a secret blend of complex sugars. The initial sweetness of Sticky Toffee Pudding Ale is tempered by a gentle bitterness which delivers the sweet taste of caramel and toffee along with a smooth and robust aftertaste.”

Despite the alluring company description, the beer received an overall“okay” score by reviewers. The beer goes a bit overboard with the sweet flavours, creating more of a mess than a tasty beverage, thus proving you can’t have your cake and drink it too.

1. Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout

rmo stout

When you’re creating a stout, you have to get the balance of ingredients just right for an appetising blend. When it comes to an interesting mixture, Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout has all the bases covered.

The 7.5% ABV brew contains some fine flavours in its mix; seven kinds of malts, Styrian Goldings hops, Colorado hops, barley, and twenty-five pounds of bull testicles. You know, the usual suspects. The best part about the beer is that its origin was a joke in itself. A video that the company uploaded for April Fool’s Day back in 2012 was meant to be just that – an April Fool’s joke. But when people began to respond positively to it, the Wynkoop brewery decided – unfortunately – that it had to become a reality. As such, real, actual bottles of Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout were brewed and bottled.

To top it off, the resulting flavour is apparently quite decent, with people complimenting the brews strong, meaty flavour. So, at least the idea isn’t a load of bull, even if the drink is.

Porter, Pizza, PB&J and Pudding

– Oktoberfest Beer Partaking

Beer Helped Shape the World – WIF Concocted History

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10 Ways Beer Shaped

Human Civilization

Hybrid cars, computers, those terrible smartphone games everyone’s hooked on: humanity has come a long way since our cave-dwelling, hunting-and-gathering, Quasimodo-looking forefathers. But why? What drove all of these fantastic exhibitions of human achievement?

Well, some of the biggest accomplishments in the history of mankind came about because of beer, which is ironic since beer is also one of the biggest causes of stupidity. The modern world was shaped by booze, the miracle elixir that gives us that warm, fuzzy feeling, followed by that headache-y, I’m-going-to-die feeling. These accomplishments include:

10. The Great Pyramid of Giza


Egypt will forever be associated with its famed pyramids, because those gargantuan things are impressive — especially the Great Pyramid of Giza. About 5,000 years ago, soon after Pharaoh Khufu took the throne, he realized that his soul was going to need somewhere to crash for the eternity after his death. All the good pyramids were taken, so he commissioned the building of the 455-foot behemoth, which remained the tallest man-made structure on the planet for almost 4,000 years.

An exorbitant amount of workers, estimated between 20,000 and 30,000, labored in the hot Egyptian sun for about 23 years. Cutting, dragging and placing limestone bricks wasn’t easy work, especially when you’re getting them almost 500 feet up. There had to be some motivating force to inspire workers, who were primarily farmers doing this in their downtime almost every day. That force was an estimated 231,414,717 gallons of beer.

“It was a source of nutrition, refreshment and reward for all the hard work,” said Dr. Patrick McGovern, an anthropology professor at the University of Pennsylvania. “It was beer for pay. You would have had a rebellion on your hands if they’d run out. The pyramids might not have been built if there hadn’t been enough beer.” So without beer, the only remaining Wonder of the Ancient World would not be standing today. History: goes down smooth.

9. Marketing


Fast-forward to the 1700s and beer is still a driving force behind civilization. The Bass Brewery was founded in 1777, and by the 1890s it was the most prominent beer company in England and the largest in the world, pumping out about 1.5 million barrels of the stuff every year. You can make the world’s most popular beer of the 19th century until the cows come home, but there’s an important element every product needs to resonate with its customers: brand recognition.

That’s, of course, where marketing comes in. Marketing is a constantly evolving business, but it was terribly archaic in the 1870s, so much so that it wasn’t really much of a thing at all. Bass Brewery knew they had a quality product on their hands, and they marketed it successfully enough to make it the most successful beer brand in England, but they needed to think of ways to secure its reputation and grow its brand recognition even more, to appeal to people in every walk of life. In doing so they revolutionized the advertising industry, and it was all in the name of getting people trashed. How did they do it? Well…

8. Logos and Trademarks


Bass Brewery decided their beer needed a visual identity, some sort of clear and distinct mark indicating which products were theirs. This was especially important since literacy rates were low, so this would allow uneducated folk to recognize a Bass Brewery drink when they saw it. What they did was take a red triangle, write “Bass” under it, and splash that sign all over everything they produced in one of the earliest examples of a logo.

They established brand recognition, but what was to stop other breweries from using Bass Brewery’s logo on their stuff, taking advantage of their reputation to increase their own sales? At the time, nothing, but on the first day of 1876, the British Trade Mark Registration Act went into effect, and the company’s name and logo became the first registered trademark in England. As is evident in the marketing-saturated culture we live in today, advertising and the whole “protecting your intellectual property” thing took off. So you can thank beer for Geico’s “hump day” commercials.

7. Soda


Around the same time as the founding of Bass Brewery, an inquisitive English chemist named Joseph Priestley was hard at work publishing over 150 works related to science, theology, politics and philosophy. In 1767, he moved next door to a brewery in Leeds. Naturally curious, he paid them a visit and picked their brains about their work. Priestley was fascinated by the gasses coming up from the vats of beer, and got permission from the brewers to perform some experiments.

He realized that by pouring water over the vats, it developed a sweet, fizzy flavor. In 1772, Priestley released a publication titled “Impregnating Water with Fixed Air,” in which he announced his new invention called “soda-water.” Priestley’s discovery of carbonation eventually led to soda and the billions of dollars of revenue that Pepsi, Coca-Cola and the like bring in every year, but his experiments in gas also reinvigorated his interest in studying air…

6. Discovery of Oxygen


Priestley knew that putting a living organism in a jar and depriving it of air was a death sentence, but he wasn’t sure why. As a (creepy) child, he enjoyed putting spiders in jars and seeing how long they would last before their eyes went dead and their legs stopped wiggling. Continuing his blood-lust fueled experimentation, he put a plant in a jar and waited for it to die. Not only did that not happen, it actually continued to grow.

This excited him, so he continued his work and, several experiments and papers later, Priestley had discovered oxygen gas. We now know it as the third most abundant element in our universe by mass and, along with awareness of the burden our posthumous debt would leave on our families and the constant desire for more beer, one of the key factors that keeps us from dying.

5. Refrigeration and Shipping


In 1871, German engineer Carl von Linde published a paper on improved refrigeration techniques, which caught the eye of local breweries. The environment required for beer brewing needs to be cold, so production of it had to be put on pause during the warmer months. Beer is a cash cow that breweries would rather not stop milking for any stretch of time, so von Linde’s expertise became highly sought after.

Gabriel Sedlmayr II of the Spaten Brewery asked von Linde to develop a way to keep his brewery cold, so he went ahead and made a refrigerator, which before that point didn’t yet exist on a scale that would be useful for a brewery. It worked fantastically, and brewing beer became a year-round pursuit in areas where this wasn’t previously possible.

The implications of von Linde’s work were broad. Food could be kept cold and preserved without ice, which was useful both in the home and in the shipping industry. Export of food (and really, any product that had to be kept cold) was difficult and oftentimes impossible, so refrigeration opened the floodgates and added a new dimension to long-distance shipping. Refrigeration is also used in air conditioning and a multitude of other fields.

4. Modern Medicine


Sour milk sucks, as it’s a regrettable waste of a perfect and versatile beverage, but the problem would be so much worse without French chemist and microbiologist Louis Pasteur. He was asked to help a local brewer who wanted to know why his beer was going sour. He took samples from the vats, looked at them under a microscope and found thousands of microorganisms, which he believed were the cause of the putrefaction that was making the beer taste bad.

With this in mind, he invented a process that’s now known as pasteurization, which involved warming the beer to below boiling point to kill off the bacteria that was spoiling batches. Today, this process is used widely in the food industry, most notably in milk and other dairy products.

This also led to him disproving spontaneous generation, confirming that matterdidn’t simply arise out of dust. Using this information as a stepping stone, Pasteur discovered that microorganisms, like those that rendered so much beer worthless, also caused disease in humans. This school of thought is called germ theory, and was the catalyst of modern medicine. Pasteur’s work opened the door to research into the identification of disease-causing germs and life-saving treatments.

3. Agriculture


Let’s go back to the rumored origin of beer: Some gatherer left a container of raw barley in the rain, which started the germination process. The barley was then dried and used for baking or whatever else people would have used it for, but was then again left out in the rain, where the partially germinated barley was exposed to natural airborne yeasts and an extremely primitive version of beer resulted.

Probably on a dare or lost bet, one of these people took a sip and realized this new liquid not only tasted great, but had the same inebriating effect as his people’s honey and fruit based wines. The ancients loved this stuff, and they needed more, but collecting the grains needed to make it would be a lot simpler if all the barley was in one place. From there, driven by an indefatigable desire for more beer, they planted, cultivated and harvested crops. Agriculture was born.

2. Written Language


Farming is more than sticking seeds in the ground and hoping something emerges from the dirt: there’s a lot of organization involved. Farmers have to know what’s growing where, how long it’s been there for, when it’s time to harvest and other crucial bits of information related to the growth of barley and brewing of beer. How were you supposed to keep track of that during the dawn of mankind? Some sort of system for recording this information would have been helpful so people could rely less on memory and word of mouth, and more on a definite source of accurate information.

This is where writing comes in. According to Dr. Stephen Tinney, an associate professor of Assyriology at the University of Pennsylvania (that’s the study of ancient Mesopotamia, not butts), “The reason for inventing writing was the need to record the production and distribution of commodities like beer.” That’s hard to dispute: One of the oldest pieces of preserved writing is a clay tablet with a record of beer rations for workers.

1. The Creation of Civilization


Early humans were nomadic, but these people couldn’t keep moving without abandoning their crops and therefore losing their sweet, sweet beer. It was time for a change. People had to stay put. They had to create more permanent shelter. These shelters were built closely to each other because that would make the cooperation involved in farming a lot easier. That kind of sounds like a town, doesn’t it?

These farming villages kicked off a period in history known as the agricultural revolution, or the Neolithic revolution. This ended hunter-gathering and led to the world’s first ever civilization: Mesopotamia, one of the first traces of organized society. Once people were moving less and leading more sustainable lives, they could spend less time worrying about being eaten and put thought into the challenges their new lifestyles presented. The concepts they came up with changed the world.

Math was supposedly invented so farmers knew where their land ended and the next guy’s began. The wheel may have been created to more easily transport goods like crops and beer. These and other ideas blossomed and snowballed into the world as we see it today. So thank you to beer for the pyramids, advertising, graphic design, medicine, farming, refrigeration, soda, writing, and everything else. We’ll deal with the hangovers, empty wallets, awkward social encounters and walks of shame; you just keep on tasting great.

Beer Helped Shape the World

– WIF Concocted History

Malted Observations

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Benjamin Franklin

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

― Benjamin Franklin

Ray Bradbury

“Beer’s intellectual. What a shame so many idiots drink it.”
― Ray BradburyThe October Country

Martin Luther

“Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!”

― Martin Luther

Malted Observations