Pun Central Catalog – WIF Wit and Humor

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Just My Type

Pun Central Catalog

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WIF Wit and Humor

Puns #1   Puns, Puns #1

Puns #2  Puns, Puns #2

Puns #3   Puns, Puns #3

Puns #4   “Did You Here the One….?”

Puns #5  I Heard Something Punny…

Puns #6   Punny Men

Puns #7   One Vote for Puns

Puns #8   Killer Puns

Puns #9   Illuminating Puns

Puns #10  Now Serving Tennis Puns

Puns #11  Covert Puns

Puns #12  Courting Legal Puns

Puns #13  Punny Money

Puns #14  Egotist Puns & Quotes

Puns #15  Post-Olympic Sporty Puns

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Puns #16  Hopeful Spring Puns

Puns #17  Sunny Puns

Puns #18  Puns Driving Humor

Puns #19  Familial Puns

Puns #20  Homespun Puns

Puns #21  Every Problem May Be a Punny One

Puns #22 Laborious Puns

Puns #23  Puns W/a Melody Image result for pun

Puns #24 Puns For Your Holiday

Puns #25  Spelling Puns

Puns #26  Irish Puns & Quotes

Puns #27  Puns Imported From Italy

Puns #28 Summer Sunday Puns

Puns #29  New Year Puns & Quotes

Puns #30  Presidential Puns

Puns #31  Nuts For Puns

Puns #32  Halloween Puns & Facts

Puns #33   Partisan Puns

Puns #34   Foolish Puns

Puns #35   Remembering Puns


Pun Central Catalog

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WIF Wit and Humor

Freudian Slips – “I didn’t mean what I meant to say.”

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40 Clips from 1/17/2014

Freudian Slips

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. — Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago … we’re one of them.”

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. — Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. — William James

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. — Mark Twain

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. — Dave Barry

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast 

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps. — Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. — F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. — Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?” — Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am! — Monty Python

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. — John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. — Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. — Ashleigh Brilliant

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”. Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. — Johnny Carson

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”

Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. — Old Farmer’s Almanac

G: “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?” EB: “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.” — Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. — Plutarch

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. — Salvador Dali

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. — Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. — Mark Twain

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” — Kermit the Frog

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” — Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn’t the zipper on your pants supposed to be in the front?

“I didn’t mean what I meant to say.” — Gwenny

Freudian Slips

 

World Wide Words Issue 880 – WIF Style

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Issue 880

Issue 880

 

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World Wide Words Newsletter 880

WORLD WIDE WORDS NEWSLETTER

Issue 880: Saturday 3 May 2014

Contents

1. Feedback, Notes and Comments.

2. Opusculum.

3. Wordface.

4. Marthambles.

5. Sic!

1. Feedback, Notes and Comments

Inflammable Graham Thomas commented: “Surely it is necessary only to know the verb to inflame in order to be in no doubt as to the meaning of inflammable?” That might seem so, but as inflame is used figuratively, the connection isn’t especially obvious. That’s true of inflammation, too. Therefore, to answer Pádraig McCarthy, there’s no risk of us being urged to use flammatory language or anti-flammatory medication.

Jennifer Atkinson wrote from Tasmania: “During my working life as a pharmacist, Australia’s legally required labelling of inflammable goods changed from inflammable to flammable. How interesting that the change had such good reasons and was not the ‘modern silliness’ that I objected to.” Ronald Davis noted, “In Canada, most labels have to be in both official languages. Thus, one often sees the seemingly contradictory label containing both flammable (in English) and inflammable (in French).”

Kathy Phillips remarked, “While reading your comments I started wondering about debone versus bone in relation to cooking. Which term is correct, to bone a chicken or debone it? Or are these interchangeable also?” My impression is that, in Britain, bone is easily the more often encountered of the two. Debone is a comparatively recent introduction in North America, dating from the 1880s, and is much more common there. It’s an odd formation because it implies the opposite is also possible.

2. Opusculum/əˈpʌskjᵿləm/

In 2009, J C McKeown of the University of Wisconsin described his book Cabinet of Roman Curiosities as an opusculum, an assessment both appropriate and modest. An opusculum is a little work, usually a book.

For most of us, opusculum means nothing, which disgusted the late Anthony Burgess. In one of his diatribes in old age lamenting the decline of education he challenged guests at his dinner table with idiolect, palinlogue, desquamation, lesbic, autophagous, monophthongal, autocephalous, inesculent, allomorph, strabismus … and opusculum.

I may return to some of these another time, but for the moment must restrict myself to explaining that opusculum is the diminutive of Latin opus. For the Romans, opus was any sort of labour, but it has come to mean an artistic work, in particular one on a large scale. We meet it most frequently in music but it can be used of books, paintings and other media. It appears also in magnum opus, literally “great work”, the most important creation of an artist.

Burgess would undoubtedly have known that if one were in the unlikely situation of wanting to discuss the most significant output of several artists, one should describe them as their magna opera.

Though opera is the plural of opus it’s rarely used that way, since opera has taken on a life of its own as a singular noun for the musical genre. This came about in Italian, in which it meant a composition in which poetry, dance, and music were combined, thus including several types of opus.

The plural of opusculum is opuscula, which widely appears in scholarly contexts but is otherwise rare.

It is many years since Sir Sacheverell Sitwell’s Collected Poems appeared: more than 40, indeed. Since then, a few privately printed opuscula have been distributed among friends.
Financial Times, 7 Aug. 1982.

3. Wordface

Passing on The term hand-me-up appeared in several UK newspapers this past week as the result of some research by the online retailer Pixmania. It’s an obvious play on hand-me-down, which is known from the early nineteenth century, but I’d no previous memory of it and was surprised to find that it’s been around for decades. In the current sense, an early example appeared in BusinessWeek of July 1998: “And more and more older users are joining the throng as PC prices fall and adult children give ‘hand-me-up’ computers to mom and dad.” The recent usages relate to mobile phones which young people consider outdated but which parents and older relatives, less concerned with fashion, find useful. The term can be traced back still further, to 1986, in the related sense of people passing on items of clothing to older relatives.

River low, mountain high There are about 7000 languages in the world. It has long been realised that their diversity, area for area, is much greater in Africa and the Asia-Pacific region than in Europe and the Americas. Jacob Bock Axelsen and Susanna Manrubia wondered to what extent environmental factors influence the distribution of languages. They made a detailed statistical analysis covering a large number of possible factors, including vegetation, temperature, rainfall, altitude and population density. They reported last week in the Proceedings of the Royal Society that — as common sense might suggest — the most important factors are rivers and mountains, which act as barriers and lead to isolation and the fragmentation of languages in the same way that they cause biological populations to create new species. Rivers can paradoxically also make communication easier, bringing languages together and promoting the creation of new ones.

4. Marthambles

Q From : I remember discussions we once had on a Patrick O’Brian list about his use of the word marthambles for a disease. We spent much time looking for its origin and meaning but couldn’t uncover it. Did he make it up?

A The author Patrick O’Brian rarely invented words, as he was a careful and accurate researcher of all matters maritime and medical, though he did have an impish sense of humour. He seems to have been rather fond of marthambles, using it in six of his naval stories about Captain Jack Aubrey and Dr Stephen Maturin.

He asked ‘How is our fourth man?’ meaning Abse, a member of the afterguard, whose complaint was known as the marthambles at sea and griping of the guts by land, a disease whose cause Stephen did not know and whose symptoms he could only render more nearly bearable by opiates: he could not cure it.
The Nutmeg of Consolation, by Patrick O’Brian, 1991.

However, O’Brian is seriously inconsistent. In The Surgeon’s Mate, he says Maturin “had cured Mrs Broad, the landlady and an excellent plain cook, of the marthambles” and in Desolation Island the crew says he similarly cured Prince Billy of it (this is presumably Prince William Frederick, great-nephew of George III, widely known as Silly Billy). Another surgeon claims in The Wine-Dark Sea that the disease is “as deadly as measles or the smallpox to islanders”. We are left ignorant of the nature of the ailment and how serious it really is. There’s a good reason for that — it’s not a real disease.

Other examples of the word are on record. Dorothy Dunnett included it in her historical novel The Ringed Castle of 1971. It also turns up in an article on quackery in the issue of the American Medical Gazette for May 1859. It quotes a seventeenth-century medical faker named Tom Jones, whose words were reproduced in The Harangues or Speeches of Several Famous Mountebanks in Town and Country of 1690:

These quacks may fitly be called soliniates, because they prescribe only one kind of physic, for all distempers: that is, a vomit. If a man has bruised his elbow, take a vomit, says the doctor. If you have any corns, take a vomit. If he has torn his coat, take a vomit. For the jaundice, fever, flux, gripes, gout, — nay, even the distempers that only my friend the famous Dr. Tuff, whom you all know, knows as the hocognicles, marthambles, the moonpauls, and the strongfives, — a vomit; tantum.
I can find no other example of soliniate; tantum is medical Latin from tantus, meaning “so much”.

The famous Dr Tuff must be the same mountebank that O’Brian refers to in an interview printed in the Patrick O’Brian Newsletter in March 1994:

Marthambles is a very fine word that I found in a quack’s pamphlet of the late 17th or early 18th century advising a nostrum that would cure not only ‘the strong fires’ and a whole variety of more obvious diseases but the marthambles too. I have never seen it anywhere else and it has escaped the OED.

It turns out, with the help of C J S Tompson’s The Quacks of Old London of 1928, that Dr Tuff was really Dr Tufts. Tufts produced a pamphlet in 1675 that has several times been reproduced:

There is newly arrived from his travels, a gentleman, who, after above forty years’ study, hath, by a wonderful blessing on his endeavours, discovered, as well the nature as the infallible cure of several strange diseases, which (though as yet not known to the world) he will plainly demonstrate to any ingenious artist, to be the greatest causes of the most common distempers incident to the body of man. The names of which take as follow: The strong fives, The marthambles, The moon-pall, The hockogrocle. Now, though the names, natures, symptoms, and several cures of these diseases, are altogether unknown to our greatest physicians, and the particular knowledge of them would (if concealed) be a vast advantage to the aforesaid person; yet, he well knowing that his country’s good is to be preferred to his private interest, doth hereby promise all sorts of people, a faithful cure of all or any of the diseases aforesaid, at as reasonable rates as our modern doctors have for that of any common distemper.
As quoted in Ten Thousand Wonderful Things, by Edmund Fillingham King, 1860. King slightly modified the spelling and orthography of the original.

Marthambles — later also spelled markambles — was an invention by Dr Tufts to frighten patients into paying for his useless nostrums. He wasn’t alone in his trickery — others in the same period created the bonny scrubs, the glimmering of the gizzard, the quavering of the kidneys, and the wambling trot as ailments worthy of their well-paid attention.

Patrick O’Brian slyly bamboozled his readers with his various statements about its nature. Fair enough, it was mythical, after all. But I wonder at his failure to borrow hockogrocle.

5. Sic!

• Lyn Mehl records that at the end of an article in the May-June issue of Dogs Naturally a brief biography of the author stated: “She lives in York, Maine with her husband, two dogs and two cats; they are all rescues.”

• The Daily Mail’s website could keep this section in material by itself. Stewart Hartley found this sentence in a report of 24 April about the owner of the South Korean ferry that recently sank: “Last night, police were seen leaving Byung-eun’s home with cardboard boxes and a church which Byung-eun is said to have an interest in.”

• Sometime last week there was a discussion on BFBS Forces Radio in Cyprus about a Commonwealth War Graves cemetery. Pattie Tancred heard the announcer inform his listeners that there is a “section reserved for personnel who died in both the First and Second World Wars.”

• Max Jackson sent a link to an article on Business Insider dated 24 April about the Google co-founder Larry Page: “Google’s human resources boss, a serious woman with bangs named Stacey Sullivan, thought Page’s plan was nuts.”

• An unfortunately worded item on the Market Research Reports website startled Bernard Robertson-Dunn: “Healthcare is clearly becoming an area where key killer applications emerge.” And Steve Colby noted this headline on the Daily Caller website: “Feds Might Slash Funding As Exploding Medicaid Applicants Struggle To Enroll.”

• A Sky News website item on 29 April surprised Stephen Brown: “Almost one in 10 heads and senior staff who responded said in the past year a child aged between five and seven had worn a nappy to school. The figure was 5% for classroom teachers.”

 

 

World Wide Words Issue 880 – WIF Style

Freudian Slips – “I didn’t mean what I meant to say.”

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Freudian Slips

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. — Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago … we’re one of them.”

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. — Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. — Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. — William James

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. — Mark Twain

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. — Dave Barry

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast 

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps. — Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. — F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. — Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?” — Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am! — Monty Python

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. — John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. — Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. — Ashleigh Brilliant

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”. Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. — Johnny Carson

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”

Don’t worry about temptation–as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. — Old Farmer’s Almanac

G: “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?” EB: “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.” — Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. — Plutarch

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. — Salvador Dali

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me. — Hunter S. Thompson

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. — Mark Twain

“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” — Kermit the Frog

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” — Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn’t the zipper on your pants supposed to be in the front?

“I didn’t mean what I meant to say.” — Gwenny

Freudian Slips

 

Angels – God’s Helpers

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Elizabeth Knox

“You fainted and I caught you. It was the first time I’d supported a human. You had such heavy bones. I put myself between you and gravity. Impossible.”

― Elizabeth KnoxThe Vintner’s Luck

Jeffrey R. Holland

“I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.”
― Jeffrey R. Holland

“If you do not believe there is a devil, be sure that there are Angels, not to tempt and destroy, but to guide and aid.”

Gwenny Hoff

Angels